How do you deal with the “is it worth all of this” question?

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finallyoverit
finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
edited September 2021 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

I admit, I’m not in a good place. Medically I’m doing fine, all is stable. Mentally I’m not. I’m in constant pain and deal with neuropathy 24x7. I am single, no kids, and a very strained, if not nonexistent relationship with family. Why am I continuing to deal with this? Why bother? I’m struggling to answer it for myself.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2021

    finallyoverit, I’m sorry you are mentally in this spot right now. I am sorry that you are dealing with pain and neuropathy. I don’t have any words of wisdom although I wish I did. Are you connected with any type of palliative care? Please know that you are in my thoughts. I wish there was more I could do to be of help.

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  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited September 2021

    I don't really know what to say but I wanted to let you know I've read it and I'm hearing you.

    I'm sorry it's so tough right now. I think we do all need some reason to get out of bed each morning.

    I'm wondering if you have access to psychology care? Or mabye if you'd like to join the Monday bco zoom mets meeting? (which I missed today but will try to come next week).

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  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited September 2021

    finallyoverit how are you feeling today? 🤗

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  • Chicagoan
    Chicagoan Member Posts: 728
    edited September 2021

    Hi finallyoverit,

    I am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with constant pain and neuropathy. If you are stable, that doesn't sound right-especially the pain, so I second the advice of others to seek out palliative care or just check in with your MO to try and get at the source of the pain and do something to alleviate it.

    I too am single with no children. I have had lung damage and lots of bone mets but have been stable for quite a while and don't have pain which I think makes a big difference. Living with MBC has actually been a really good time in my life. I stopped working and once my cancer was a bit under control, I could finally live for myself. The resource that I have found most helpful is this book, "Cancer As a Turning Point" by Lawrence LeShan. There are all these exercises to work at how to reclaim and reshape your life after a cancer diagnosis. My cancer obviously isn't going away but my life is honestly good and happy now because I have made a lot of changes. I learned how to take better of myself, to be in better relationships, delve into new interests and just enjoy life.

    The reason I bother is that I now feel like I am worth bothering over. I try to enjoy life as much as possible, even under these circumstances. I wish you all the best.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited September 2021

    Thank you everyone for the responses. The pain is coming from the neuropathy which is in my entire leg. Because it is hard to stand on a leg that is numb, I lean, which puts pressure on my back. And just for fun, I have plantar fasciitis in the same neuropathic leg. 😕

    Today I’m still feeling kinda blah. I am still trying to figure out what the point in living in constant pain is. I don’t have a choice of not working. I will likely be working until I go on hospice, whenever that will be.

    I do have friends but they all have their own lives and families. With no close family to speak of, I can’t help but wonder, what’s the damn point?

    Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll check it out.

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  • Nkb
    Nkb Member Posts: 1,436
    edited September 2021

    Finallyoverit- I am distressed to hear about the pain and hope there will be a remedy for that - I agree palliative care could be a good resource.

    sometimes friends have a hard time dealing with a friend with cancer- they don't know what to do, or say, they get triggered by It etc- sometimes family is better, but, not always. Therapy works for some people- what I think may be helpful right now is finding a new friend- perhaps through this website who lives close to you who also has cancer- to meet with or to talk to or even privately email. I have found so much less baggage with cancer friends-

    I find myself reassuring friends, saying I'm fine etc- with friends with cancer I can just state what's going on without them freaking out. I haven't told anyone new that I have cancer for 8 or 9 years- I didn't find that it served me well and I guess I have a "privacy issue". If you read Susan Sontag's "illness as a metaphor". I think you start to see all the societal baggage that people with cancer have to deal with.

    You don't need to do anything profound to have meaning in your life, if you can find your happy place, reading, sewing, other crafts whatever it is- do that. it is really freeing to know that it doesn't matter what you choose as long as you are happy doing it.

    I am hoping the pain can be mitigated very soon

    Hugs

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2021

    I plan to check out the book recommendation, too, as well as the Susan Sontag piece.

    Thinking of you, finallyoverit!


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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2021

    finallyoverit,

    I am sorry that you are in constant pain and struggling. I hope you do find some help with pallative care at your cancer center as others have suggested. I also feel like my friends "in real life" really can't relate to any of my cancer stuff, even if they mean well. I do find a lot of comfort on bc.org to share the highs and the lows. I don't know where you live, but I think Nkb's suggestion of finding a local friend to chat and perhaps meet in person could be really helpful. I have to think if you could get the pain and neuropathy somewhat in control, you would feel better. Please know you are not alone. I plan on reading the book suggested by Chicagoan. I am also working fulltime (but admittedly don't have the pain/neuropathy issue that you currently are dealing with). I definitely have days of feeling overwhelmed or down by my dx but have started listening to music that I loved decades ago and watching less news when I start to feel down. It helps my mood. Sending you love!

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  • Anotherone
    Anotherone Member Posts: 633
    edited September 2021

    I think people struggle to communicate with us for the same reason I felt I was struggling to write this message. They know we want and need engagement from them but at the same time whatever they say feel may sound ungrateful hollow and offensive because they know they can not talk to us on the same footing - what can I , person who does not have constant pain and lives normal life - can say to someone in a so different position ? Any advice or cheer up is ironic. It would be as if a prince was trying to offer an advice to a pauper - how could he have an arrogance to think he knows anything about how it is to be a pauper. They want to be useful and there is no way for them to. They feel a failure for not being able to help us. So they quickly nod, accepting a failure and disappear- what use it is to stand and watch someone drown if you can not save them ...

    They may as well that you do not want to be around them , with all faculties intact. Because they understand they can be a constant reminder to us what we have lost. They know it may not be the case in majority of interaction but a good chance at some point amongst many interactions they will be in a role of a reminder makes them recoil in dread. They have all those contradictory emotions at the same time , they don't like the idea of them " not being good people" as they are ashamed of those feelings - and only those who have done wrong are ashamed in their heads.

    "They" are "us". We are exactly like them. We are them when roles are swapped.

    I am sorry you are in this place finallyoverit.

    Please accept my hug.

    Is there anything that you used to have joy in and you still can do and enjoy now ? If there is then is there a way to incorporate it in your life now with some alterations and adjustments ? If there were none then if you can read and listen may be peruse audio and paper books about life , philosophy etc - something may change , you are not powerless. If there are manythings and you can do none then the above does not apply and I hope I have not annoyed you too much with the above ..


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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited September 2021

    Thank you everyone for your kind words, hugs, love, and encouragement. I truly do appreciate them all. I am hanging in there. I’ve chalked this up as just a crappy week. I am hopeful the feeling will pass and I’ll feel more like myself soon. For now, I’m just going to let myself feel what I want to feel. I’m frustrated and in pain, but I’m hanging in there.

    Thank you all for all of your responses. I appreciate them and all of you

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