uncertainty hurts

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oddboood
oddboood Member Posts: 32
edited July 2021 in Waiting for Test Results

It's so hard to figure out what to do with myself as I wait for my biopsy results. I don't know if it is worth hoping because the doctor who first examined the lump on US told me she was certain it was cancer. I live in Germany and they are very direct here. I was on the table for like a minute and she said "Yes, this is breast cancer. I could tell you I'm not sure, but that would be untrue." The doctor who viewed the mammogram and did the biopsy was not much more encouraging.

Now I find myself obsessively interpreting every little thing that is going on in my body as some sort of sign. "Oh! All those hot flashes! Must be the cancer!" or "Oh! that indigestion! Must have spread to my stomach!" I know it's not helpful but the thoughts still come. So I'm trying to just mindfully observe them, realise that they are just thoughts and not real, and just be with what is. After all, nothing in my life has really changed since before I found the lump - it's just my thoughts running amok.

I want to approach this with wisdom and maturity, but I'm not sure how. I welcome thoughts from all of you who have been here before.



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  • edj3
    edj3 Member Posts: 2,076
    edited July 2021

    Yes the uncertainty is quite difficult; unfortunately it's at nearly every stage of the diagnosis and treatment process.

    What worked for me was to stay in the moment, and not get ahead of where I was right that second. I did do some reading, but honestly only on this site as I found the links to the peer reviewed research reassuring--I did not want to see what uneducated fear mongers had to say. I wanted to know what all of this meant. But even then, early on, I didn't spend much time on that.

    Once I had the diagnosis and knew the flavor (so to speak), I did more research.

    We've got a saying here in the US--when you hear hoofbeats, it's usually horses. Can you bring that approach to the concerns you have over the triggers you mention? A hot flash is a hot flash and tied to peri/or full on menopause, indigestion might be the food you ate or perhaps you actually did catch a stomach virus? Still nothing to do with cancer.

    As an aside, I had the pleasure of being stationed in German when I was in the Army; if I could move back there, I would. It's such a lovely country and I enjoyed my time there.

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  • Melbo
    Melbo Member Posts: 346
    edited July 2021

    I don’t think there are really any ways around those feelings — the whole diagnosis process is terrifying. It does get better as you get more information and start a treatment plan. For me the fear and feeling like any twinge or pain was cancer spreading mostly went away as I got closer to the end of treatment (a full year for my type of cancer.)

    Find some sort of mantra and hang onto it. Breast cancer is treatable and many women have a very favorable outcome.

    As an aside — I was supposed to move to Germany last year. We got delayed in April because of Covid and then I got my cancer diagnosis in July, so I had to cancel the move.

    Also, my radiologist was as direct as your doctor in Germany. Although mine said “on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being nothing and 5 being cancer, I rate you a 5.” I thought I was getting a cyst checked out so it was pretty shocking. In the end I was glad though — once I knew I could start educating myself — although that was also terrifying in many ways

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  • MountainMia
    MountainMia Member Posts: 1,307
    edited July 2021

    The radiologist who did my biopsy was nearly that forthright, though I didn't know "for sure" until a day later, when a radiology fellow called (and told me it was DCIS, which was true, but didn't include the IDC which was the important part.)

    At any rate, it sounds like you're doing all the things to try to recognize and accept your thoughts and feelings. They are just that. And the indigestion might be related to your stress at this new and rather frightening situation.

    It sounds like you're familiar with mindfulness techniques. If so you know it can help to focus on your breath, or focus on your feet, etc, something very tangible that you can pay attention to, something non-threatening. Sometimes when I get wound up, I spend time with the toes on my right foot. I name each of them in ABCDE order. Then I go through them again, sometimes changing their names. Sometimes I go through the alphabet with a different scheme. For instance, last night I thought about cities with names starting with each letter of the alphabet. It's kind of silly (especially naming my toes) but it helps distract my brain from fretting about things it can't fix in the moment. Or I count backwards from some very large number, being careful to breathe with the count. Usually I get lost a few numbers in, so I just start over. It helps me.

    Another trick I use for unwelcome thoughts is I tell them I can't stop them from visiting, but I don't need to entertain them. I tell the thoughts they'll need to wait on the porch (outside) and I won't take them a drink or talk with them or let them come in for the bathroom. Again, silly, but it recognizes that the thoughts are there, I can't stop them, but I can choose whether or not to spend a lot of time with them.

    Finally, note my signature line. The weather comes and goes -- the thoughts come and go -- the troubles come and go -- but you are here. You are solid. You'll get through this. You are the mountain.

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  • Goldcity
    Goldcity Member Posts: 52
    edited July 2021

    I've posted this story before, but I deleted it while I was in a snit one day. Shortly after I was diagnosed I was sitting up in bed reading and something crossed my line of vision. It looked like a spider. I knew it wasn't real because it was very large and sort of surreal looking. My first thought was "I'm hallucinating. Cancer has already spread to my brain". I closed my eyes, and slowly opened them. Vision was still there. Then I slowly brought my hand up to see if my hand went through it and then I screamed. It was a a spider that had dropped down from the celling right in front of my eye. My husband still laughs at me, which is fine. I felt very foolish of course and since then I've been better able to talk myself down from those thoughts. I agree with others that say it's almost inevitable for those thoughts to cross your mind with every twinge that now suddenly aware of, but as you start going through your treatment plan and get a little better educated, I believe things get a bit easier.

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited July 2021

    Goldcity, I don't know whether to laugh or scream! You got way too close to making "reality bites" a, well, reality!

    My reactions when I was going through the whole diagnostic process was mainly curiosity. It might have helped that I'd had a different cancer before, and I knew that I'd gotten through that with very little effort on my part. And that helped me when ANOTHER different cancer was found the day before my lumpectomy. And I'm still here! I keep telling people, there's cancer, there's Cancer, and there's CANCER. Maybe I should add CANCER. And CANCER.

    Don't jump from zero to CANCER.


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