The sandwiched patients...

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saltmarsh
saltmarsh Member Posts: 227
edited December 2021 in Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer

We are the sandwiched group of patients. With responsibilities in two directions. Some of us have kids and/or aging parents, and partners. We aren't kids with cancer, but we are kinda "young" compared to who is expected with breast cancer. Who else is walking this line right now? What have you found are the hardest parts? What about silver linings?

My dad watched my mom die from the same kind of cancer I have. She caught it much later, so hopefully I'll do better than she did. But the look on my dad's face when I told him I had cancer nearly broke me. Trying to homeschool my kid while school is closed, and get my dad and stepmom COVID appointments, and stay on track myself is challenge. And I haven't hit the hard stuff yet, as so many of you have. None of my friends have gone through this. My mom did, but she shut everyone out and didn't share her process. So I wonder what's to come.

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  • illimae
    illimae Member Posts: 5,710
    edited April 2021

    I'm 46 now, diagnosed stage IV from the beginning at 41. I'm in this group but have no children and my parents are doing well on their own, so no issues there. The hardest part has been accepting that I won't have the expected retirement and growing old with my husband. Fortunately, I had great employment benefits and medically retired early. So, now I'm living that life and doing well. It's unlikely that I'll make it to 50 but I am making the best of every day I have.

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  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited April 2021

    dealing with it in 2018 just meant that my standards about many things were lowered. Other than my treatment, most other things only needed a "good enough" standard

    My parents live on their own and didn't need much from me, my kids were old enough to manage. (I had homeschooled my kids btw but they were finished by then) I just coasted for 8 months of treatment and then I got back to life as if the break hadn't happened. It was like a reallly bad sabbatical

    Figure out what's necessary and what's optional, what you have to do and what you can delegate & be ruthless with cutting things that you hate or that drain you. It will be be finished before you know it.

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  • Sadiesservant
    Sadiesservant Member Posts: 1,995
    edited April 2021

    Hi Saltmarsh,

    Interesting topic. I was originally diagnosed at 38 and to be honest, at that point I wasn't pulled in 100 directions like I am today. I don't have children so I was able to focus on my treatment and continued to work full time throughout. As moth indicated, you will get through this period of upheaval but you may need to set boundaries and think about what takes priority.

    Things are a bit different for me now. I'm just shy of 59 and live with my mother who recently turned 90 and is in declining slowly health. Between work, my house (including trying desperately to downsize the various collections/family stuff), my dog and my mom, I'm finding it all a bit of a challenge. In particular, I worry about my mom if, god forbid, I should go first. I know she would never be able to cope. I also find it a bit tricky managing my mother's angst regarding the aches and pains that come with aging. (Sympathy can sometimes be in short supply when your liver is sending you shots to remind you there is a tumor behaving badly.) And like illimae, I do mourn the fact that retirement is unlikely. I'm scaling back now so perhaps I can take a page from her book and experience it a bit early!

    Hope you are able to find some balance Saltmarsh. I know you will find lots of support here on BCO.


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  • Katyblu
    Katyblu Member Posts: 171
    edited December 2021

    I like this topic. I feel too old for the Young with BC category, but too young for a lot of the other discussions. I was first diagnosed at 36 with stage IIIa. NO kids but I am active duty military and I had just returned from a deployment to the Middle East. I was in fantastic shape, at the height of my career, and then suffered the setback of cancer. My husband and I powered through it as best we could. My family is pretty young with my parents in their late 50s and my grandmother in her 70s so I didn't have to worry about them. But shortly after my initial treatment ended my aunt was diagnosed with bile duct cancer at 55 ys old. It is an aggressive cancer in general and unfortunately took my aunt in about 3 years. So my family had to go through that. And then I was diagnosed as stage IV 6 months after my aunt died. So the impact on my family, especially my grandmother, has been tough.

    I'm still on active duty with this diagnosis. I'm hoping to make it to retirement in 2024 but we will see. I have a step-daughter but she just started college in September. The biggest impact has been really on my career. I was hoping to do a lot more and to work towards another promotion, but at this point it's all I can do to make it to work 6 hours a day. And my husband and I have put off a lot of our travel desires until retirement so I kind of feel like we've missed out on that. (Well COVID ruined part of it too as we were going to take my step-daughter to Europe for her HS graduation.)

    I think the best advice I can offer is to not be afraid to ask for help. There is no shame in needing more time or additional hands. At this point right now, you and your health are the most important so live like that. I wish you the best and hope you will lean on us here. The support and understanding I get here make every day a little easier.

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  • sunshinegal
    sunshinegal Member Posts: 209
    edited December 2021

    I'm in this boat. I'm 48 today, with original dx at 36. Today we have a 9yo and 7yo, and my parents are over 80 and in failing health (alzheimers and parkinson's). And I'm the main breadwinner. It's a lot.


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  • BlueGreenBaby
    BlueGreenBaby Member Posts: 32
    edited December 2021

    Just turned 40 this year. Very first mammogram. My parents are pretty young and healthy still so I'm not worried about them. I have a 9 year old son with a lot of energy though. It's tough.

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