the constant battle after 4 years

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Chloe3278
Chloe3278 Member Posts: 31
edited February 2021 in Life After Breast Cancer

Hi there,

Not sure if anyone remembers me on here. I got diagnosed at age 19 and under-went a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expanders and then breast reconstruction. I've had problems ever since. This journey has been much harder than i thought. I feel blessed and lucky that i only had DCIS, however the affect this disease has had on my life is immense. I had to take a year off uni, work, and i moved back in with my parents. My mental health suffered greatly, and is still impacted through all of this. I still cry when i see my scars, and i am extremely self-conscious with dating. I have been lying to everyone and telling them i just had a breast augmentation because that seems like its more 'accepted.' I HATE friends, family and professionals giving me their two cents. Not a single radiologist, doctor, dentist etc has ever skimmed through my diagnosis. They all need me to tell them my 'story' and how 'rare' it is for me to go through all of this at such a young age. Im sick of explaining myself over and over again. I've recently been admitted to hospital because my implants have been infected and i need to remove them and go through the whole tissue expander process again. I feel broken. I feel lucky but so unlucky at the same time. This disease effects every single day of my life. I can never get a break. I am waiting for a sigh of relief but i never get it. I feel so scared, hopeless, but also selfish for feeling like this when theres others out there fighting for their life. Im 23 now and i've gone through things a 40 year old would go through. Im trying my hardest to accept this disease into my life but i still havent accepted it. Can someone please share similar experiences or words of advice? I feel so lost, and i sometimes wish i would have to go through all of this after i find a partner, have my career, have kids. I feel like my life isnt progressing and its ended before its even started.

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited January 2021

    chloe....what a beautiful name. And what a beautiful young woman you must be to write the most heartfelt blistering words. I have always said that those who feel the most, love the most, and at times hurt the most.

    When I was in my early twenties, I didn’t know it then, but what awaited me was two life saving surgeries and multiple other surgeries BEFORE my experience with breast cancer in my early 50s. Now in my 60s, I am still having surgeries. Life is good.


    here’s all I got to say. Looking back, I have had moments like you are having now, and have asked myself as the late, great pundit writer, Irma Bombeck has asked, If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?

    At some point in our lives, most of us ask that question....some ask themselves earlier and some later....the lucky few, don’t wonder at all....

    But, for those of us who really feel deeply like you, I can tell you from deep within my heart, we are all blessed with resiliency. It is inside of you waiting to surprise you.


    ask your team for help. Tell them what you told us. Surely they can help you.

    I wish you well..

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2021

    ((((((Chloe3278))))) You are clearly a very special person. We are so sorry that you find yourself here at such a young age. We do have a number of young people here, and we do hope to hear from others. We're here for you

  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited January 2021

    Hiya,

    At your age, I wasn't dealing with illness, but with other things that almost no one my age was dealing with, without parental support. It was alienating and lonely and scary. It took up almost twenty years of my life. I'm 41 now.

    I look back, and it is what it is. We don't get to choose our battles, we just have to do our best with what life hands us. Nothing is promised to us, and there's no guarantee that either you or I will ever get back what was lost. I tried to live in a way that I could be proud of, even when I could not be happy with it. I made use of support from therapists and psychiatrists. I made it through and my life is easier now than it used to be. My envy for my friends who had and have what I lack is much diminished. Part of that was realizing that I don't want their lives, I want a better version of my life. And part was because I did build a strong sense of self and pride, and in the end that's really all a person has.

    "All that you have is your soul"


  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited February 2021

    Chloe, I'm sorry you're so young having to deal with breast cancer.

    I can understand your frustration with others wanting to give you their two cents worth of advice. One reason is because you are young. I'm not sure how you've been raised, but society places pressure on females to be submissive and kind. You may think you have to listen to others because that's what “nice" girls do. With practice, you can become more assertive with them. Come up with a few prepared responses to those who want to give you advice. It's okay to simply say, "I know you mean well, but it's not something I feel like talking about at this time. But thanks for your concern."

    Tho I'm decades older than you, I got unsolicited advice also. Once, a relative wanted me to listen to 7 one-hour videos of some self-proclaimed cancer curing guru. Huh? I had to learned to tell people that I'm quite involved in my treatment, have an excellent oncologist, and am very aware of all the information available to me online. Because face it, lots of people giving advice have the “Google doctor degree."

    I've had to be more direct to a couple of my sisters who wanted to focus only on the breast cancer topic. I told them I have other things going on in my life and their constant talk of bc gave me anxiety.

    Also, sit down and give some thought to what you want to tell medical professionals who want you to rehash details. You can lead off with being honest and telling them that it gets exhausting going over and over your medical history and that you don't need reminded how rare it is for someone your age to be diagnosed with bc. Of course, this can all be said in a respectful way, but also in a way to get your point across.

    Believe it or not, you are still so, so young. You WILL get through this. Do not feel guilty about your feelings. Own them. Embrace them. What you are going through matters to you, as it should, and you do not have to feel guilty about it at all. (This is another social conditioning thing females experience, that we should be more concerned for others than ourselves, no matter what we're going through.)

    It helps to keep a journal. No one will read it, so write how you feel. And even tho you're dealing with medical issues, try to do something new every week that you've never done before. It can be taking a drive on a road you've never been, buying something, say an article of clothing you've never bought before, trying a new recipe or new kind of takeout food. You can really get creative with this. Once the pandemic lifts, there'll be lots more opportunities to try new things.

    I don't know if you think talking to a therapist would help. I never had a lot of success with that, but some people do. So at least consider it. If you’re a reader, there’s an excellent book (not about bc), it's a best seller, called “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone" written by a therapist and it's entertaining and insightful all at the same time.

    Your life won't be the same as before bc. But you are growing into an even better version of you. It's okay if right now it seems like you're only taking baby steps, and heaven knows, with the pandemic, many of us feel we've been marching in place for months and months. The dating thing will fall into place, your nervousness about it is normal. Take care of you for now. For the record, I didn't marry until I was 31 and had a baby at age 34, and am still married many years later. For me, my 20s were the more difficult years of my life—and I wasn't even dealing with bc—-as I tried to figure things out. It didn't feel like it then, but in hindsight, all that soul-searching was a needed time as I learned about life.

    I certainly wish you the very best and send you lots of virtual hugs!

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