My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Moth! You can wear a dress that you got into 30 years ago?!?!  We can never be friends. 

Thanks SeeQ. I have an MO appointment today. She’ll pick the next drug. I’m hoping to get more info. on what’s happening in the liver.

Morning all. 8am here.

I posted yesterday (14 hours ago) but then shut down the computer, turned on the TV (Frazier-- show from the 90's), and then went to bed early. Of course, I had a toss/turn night with the pain, so not much rest.

moth- You go girl with the lab appointment time. Cancer should give us some "perks" sometime. The bread sounds awesome!!!! Would love to have some right now. My mom baked the best bread when I was growing up. I did not learn to cook.

Karen- Pocket duty as you find out about the swelling.

Boo- Pocket duty for you for your appt and what your MO has to say. Check in later. I will be looking for your post.

Not much here today. Frosty morning. Temp says 19 degrees. To warm to 40 today.

Mel, you're gonna be Mellow Mel with the valium! Good job. Glad they're helping you.

I'm getting ready to go to the private clinic for my immunotherapy.

Mel- I hope you find some relief.

I like my Palliative Care team too. I have only had 2 appointments with them so far, and both were virtual. But I am glad I have them in my corner. I am my own worst enemy. I told them pain was my QOL issue. They wanted me to try muscle relaxers (I got the script filled, but have not took a dose yet). Then they suggested Cymbalta for the pain issues. I am thinking NO. So I know that I have to be willing to do what they suggest. That is my problem. I think of the potential side effects, that I don't want to be a zombie. I think "another pill". So, I don't know.

Cowgal- My PCP recommended gabapentin a while ago. I just do not know. Gabapentin, Cymbalta, so many side effects of everything. Seizures, suicide ideations, have to stop slowly, hallucinations. Is it worth it? I just want something I would take as needed at night to make the pain go away so I can sleep. Not drugged, seeing spiders all day. Some have said when they took Cymbalta they had no emotions-- could not cry. I do not want that. I want to feel, to be me. I just want the pain to be less. Sigh... I will continue Tylenol. It lessens the pain, some and sometimes.

Candy - I completely understand. I wish I did not have to take any meds. I absolutely hate opiods because of the horrible side effects. I think the gabapentin kind of tired me out when I first started on it. I still work full time and afternoons were pretty tough. Now, I think I am pretty much back to my normal tiredness from taking all these anti-cancer drugs. Baclofen is the muscle relaxer that I take only as needed and it is 5 mg. I also take Tylenol and put some lidocaine on my back at night if I am hurting pretty bad. The heating pad is my buddy in the evening when I can sit in the recliner. I hope you can find some relief that will work for you.

Mel,

So proud of you for making that appt. and getting there. I hope this is the ticket to a better everything.

Cowgal, I appreciate the suggestion and would agree except for one big problem in my relationship with my parents, which is that I don’t like them as people. Unfortunately, they are self centered, materialistic passive aggressive narcissists who seem to enjoy dominating and belittling others, family included. After my diagnosis years ago, I decided that I owe them nothing, especially as I essentially raised myself. Their feeling are irrelevant. They actually said “the wrong kid got cancer” (referring to my older brother, who hasn’t done much with his life), I mean, who says things like that?!

Anyway, enough of my rant. Hope is didn’t bring the room down, lol

Boo- Well the devil you know... right? Hoping this time around the med will be kind to you, and slow the cancer down. Wish they could do a biopsy though.

Thanks ladies. It’s really ok now though. As a child, it was sometimes sad, as a teen it was disappointing and as an adult before cancer, there was a feeling of being expected to be nice to protect their feelings but after cancer my outlook changed and my priority is myself and the family I picked. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness, none of us are. We certainly don’t need the added pressure.

Speaking of happiness, I’m making French bread pizza tonight and I’m not even slightly concerned about the calories, that is pure joy, lol

Mae~ you know my Step Monster and dad estrangement so I Understand very much. You just become hard and start to forget it. At least I did until four months before he died. Then I was needed. That's when i mattered to her. He and I resolved everything and I am happy that I got the time with him and being the one that most times was the sole person that took care of him. Although he was in a home for hospice. I picked him up myself and put him into the chair to go outside for his smoke. He wanted me to do it. No one else. I made his drinks . He said I should have been a nurse. We would laugh at that. That's the. Last thing I could do. I was doing those things because he was my father. Only. I wouldn't do that for anyone. I washed all his clothing and showed up when I had the best excuse out of everyone. My cancer. But I pushed myself and took care of hiM. I loved him and he loved me. Sometimes when you're gone from each other so long. It stops mattering as much each year that goes by

Mel, I'm glad your palliative care team had some ideas for you. As Mara said, even if it can just help you sleep at night, that should make you feel so much better.

Booboo, I think that would drive me crazy if my MO was not transparent in his thought process. I hope the Abraxane solves the maybe-it's-a-liver-met issue.

Mae, It's good that you have your chosen family - sometimes we relate to them better than blood relatives. I'm on good terms with my family, but we're really spread out (both in years and miles), so having chosen family helps fill the gaps in personal connections.

Speaking of family, I get to see my boy sometime in the next several days. I haven't seen him since Christmas 2019, since was deployed most of last year. I got my dx a few weeks before he left, and couldn't see him because of COVID issues - which really stressed me out. He's going to swing by for a super quick visit while moving to a new duty station. I'm so excited!

Waving hi to everybody else!

Mel - really hope the rx brings some relief. Being sleep deprived causes even more problems.

Mae - I, too, wish I could have your sharp wit and tongue. I always think of a good reply well after it was needed

Too right Mae!
We can’t pick our relatives...I too have some issues there and also have some who are good people. We can choose our friends though and I’ve lost some and found some through this process. I think our lives are a bit more ‘concentrated’ than most and some find that hard to deal with. There’s also a bit of responsibility on my part, not to make my friends feel as if it’s a chore to deal with me, so I’m as normal as possible most of the time. But if they ask how I am, I tell them in basic terms and then we move on because I need their normality too!