My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Hello ladies. ~Runor. Making an appearance I feel happy about that. Thank you for all your words and thoughts. I just want peace. I don't want to feel like I owe someone something because they help me or “take"care of me. I didn't ask for this to happen. He's not even. Making a big stink about it. Yet. But I feel It brewing. One thing could set it off, like my sons room. Then DH tells me how he feels (which are allowed to be felt , because some are very valid to him. ). Sometimes how he feels I have no answers for. I am left alone like a deer caught in the headlights. Wondering which way to run like the squirrel on the street begging for safety. I can't fix these things. I would if I could. I don't know how my hormones are going to be from now on. I went slamming into menopause no warnings given ,Whamo. That alone will change how you look at yourself and sex drive. Non existent. Maybe for some who didn't go through massive chemo and still takes a strong doseage of it most days. This is who I am now. I don't want battles. I don't want to feel like a stranger in my own home. I want to wake up and do whatever I am able. For that day. And no matter what that may be. It's ok. Someone said , you want them there. But not to really expect anything from you because you're spent cancer drains you of everything good. You're left an emotional wreckage sometimes. At some point during this hellacious walk we have to take. Physical scars, ptsd. Others that know youre sick. But you've been sick so Long that they are kinda used to it. But you aren't. Never. The only time I feel Happy is when I see my pillow coming at me knowing I have 8 hours of nothing. Alone with no one wanting anything from me.

Mel, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Don't have advice, just my empathy.

Just dropping in with a hug for Mel. I hope you can find a way to have some peace.

Morning all. 8am Monday here.

My notes say:

Booboo has MO appt this week. Mara has CT today. Karen (Liver Thread) has scan this week. May have missed some.

Today I am getting out to Walmart curb side pick up groceries. Not really excited about the "outing". So much Covid. Called a friend yesterday-- she has it now. Along with her brother (just had pacemaker inserted before Covid) and her sister (has active lung cancer and doing radiation). My friend has congestion, fever, cough. But ok for now. I am so afraid of it.

Take care everyone.

I cannot Disagree with that at all Mae. That is very valid. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

Waiting for my CT, really hungry too. Woke up too late to eat. Brought 3 peanut butter granola bars for after and a gigantic water. The walk to the hospital woke me up and was nice.

Mel, still thinking of you.

moth- Sorry I missed ya. Pocket duty for you. Yum, homemade bread. With lots of butter.

Those peanut butter bars sound good Mel, funny you should mention those, the minute I was out of CT, I downed two peanut butter granola bars and half my water. Turns out that my CT person said that if I don't get oral contrast, they don't object to me having a small snack before, I don't have to go 4 hours without food. That advice is given for people who get the oral contrast.

Everything went fairly smooth, bit of a wait on both ends at the cancer clinic for the chest port access and the CT but not bad. May not get results officially until Feb 3rd which is my next doctor appointment unless something changes. It was a cold walk to and from the cancer clinic and a little drowsy since I took Zofran for the injected contrast. I don't get to worried about a long time for results because they would not wait 3 weeks to give bad news. Now I am ravenous so going to start eating some real food.

Thank you all for the pocket duty, returning the favour for whoever needs it, hugs for those struggling as well. I would love to be able to actually hug people who need it.

Probably will go out for another walk or too. Even though it is cold, it was refreshing. Much nicer than indoor walking. Nothing else on the agenda today, older brother took me out shopping yesterday for my groceries.

Pocket duty for anyone who needs it.

My brother had a left-side mastectomy today. Won't have the stage until pathology comes back in a few weeks. We know it's not Stage IV, thankfully. I talked to him Friday, and he was in good spirits. He said it's been a whirlwind. He was lucky because he found out in November and already had his surgery today. They had had a cancellation and got him in. He heard from my other brother with renal cell carcinoma that he's on oxygen 24/7. I've written him a few times letting him know I'm thinking of him.

Mel, gentle hugs from me today.

Mara, I love peanut butter. I'll be in your pocket for results.

Reporting for pocket duty too.

Sondra, cherry pie sounds great, go for it!

So, I had my follow up echocardiogram today. It’s the first one since my EF dropped from 58% to 45% causing a treatment break and low dose heart meds. I thought it looked pretty good on the screen and I just got a call that it’s not only above 50%, which means I can continue treatment, it was 60%, which is normal range.

Heck yeah, can I get a whoop! whoop!

WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!! Go get yourself an ice cream sundae or whatever you crave! Such great news Mae!

Woohoo Mae !!!!!!!! Celebrate !!!!!!!

Moth how did your appt go? And did the bread turn out good LOL

Hi candy - my appt went well! MO is happy with how I'm doing. Only hiccup was that I was supposed to do labs on Wed but she decided she wanted them today. Normally I go fairly early to beat the crowds. This time of course, after the appt with her midmorning, the lab was full. So I drove to another facility just a bit away, thinking their lab would be emptier - nope. Not only that, they told me this was last day for walk ins; after this, appointments only. Ok, whatever, I take my number and sit to wait. Given how we're moving I figure on at least a 1hour wait. And then I had brilliant idea to look at the appointment app, just to check it out and see if it syncs with the other health portal. It was 1215 and it offered me an appointment for 1220! So I took it, and sailed to the front of the line. I felt like a total cheater but .... hey, I have cancer. I wasn't even wearing a cap today so I figure my bald head gives me VIP treatment too lol.

Aaaaaand, my labs are good. WBCs are lowish but they *always* are. I'm just a wbc wimp. And neutrophils are fine for chemo on Thurs. And this liver mets girl has perfect liver function tests! They're as good as they've ever been. Still waiting for CA15-3 results to post. Those sometimes take 24h & there was a time when I told myself I would not look at those (because, hello anxiety..) but who are we kidding.... I will look.

The bread is awesome. We've almost demolished the loaf. I go through these phases of just being in love with my bread machine. I actually want to get back to making bread by hand too. I want to get a sourdough starter going as well. Mmmmmmm, gluten......

Moth, that dancing is hilarious and wild, lol. Big congrats to you too on a good appt.

Thanks for the whoot!, ladies

Mae you got a woot woot from Tampa.

Moth I love bread too. Your results are great too. Love your dancing lady.

Mara glad you got through your CAT scan and home safely.

Mel I'm here to listen and encourage you to find outside help, as suggested by Booboo, or anything else you want to do.

Karenfizedbo I hope things get sorted soon. If we don't focus on cancer; then it's Covid lockdown. Sleep well.

SondraF I want to go to a vacation or somewhere relaxing with some sense of normalcy.

KBL happy to hear your brother got his surgery scheduled sooner and that things are looking up. Great that you can send messages to your other brother, sometimes that's so comforting when you're ill.

Candy wow sorry to hear about your friends and the Covid.

Booboo hope things are getting sorted out.

Kittkat thanks for sharing the beautiful photo of your shore.

BevJen I know exactly what you mean. It's like the only thing that can logically happen; eventually bad news.

We did set the tent up in the living room as it were. It was easy but since DH isn't a camper we needed a trial run. I have pitched tents before with the kids but he wasn't there so... I guess I just wanted to get in that tent before I couldn't... It was fun and funny doing it. My cat hid all day lol.

Waving hello to everyone. Take care

Tanya