Diagnosed on Xmas-questions

Gradyep so sorry you received such news for Christmas. Or at anytime for that matter. The good news is that you have found the mass and begun the steps to manage the problem. Biopsy pathology gives you a piece of the puzzle, surgical pathology gives you the complete picture. It looks like so far, your tumor is small and grade one that is very encouraging. I am also glad that you are getting results so quickly, the waiting is difficult. As for not having been seen on the previous year's imaging, that isn't uncommon. I was imaged from the age of 30, and my mass hid probably for 4-5 years before we found it. Sneaky stuff and imaging just doesn't catch everything.

I cannot give advise on how and when to tell your daughters what you are facing - I just wanted to acknowledge your post and offer you support and hugs. This is the hardest time when you are just beginning to get all the information about the issue and you don't have a treatment plan in place yet.

Grady, I am so sorry you’re here, but know that you will get a lot of support from the ladies in this board. It’s an amazing place. I don’t have kids, but bear with me on this. My dad and I are very close. We talk every day, he’s in his 70s and my mom died less than a year before my diagnosis. My BS is a wonderful woman and she helped me find the right time and way to tell him. And that was once we had a complete diagnosis and plan. It was easier for me, and it gave me some time to prepare myself to tell him and also allowed a lot of the focus to be on what my plan was. I know comparing a dad to your daughters is not the same thing. But, I wanted to share in hopes that it might help you. Yes, it was difficult acting normal while I was waiting, but I do not regret that decision for a moment.

I am so sorry you are going through this. And having this news at the holidays must be even harder. Where you are right now and the waiting is a really tough place to be. Please keep us updated and I’m here if you ever need a friendly ear or support

gradyep, in 2017 with my 1st dx, my kids were in college but living with us. They never didn't know. They knew about my appts and call backs and biopsies and I told them as soon as i got the official dx.

I told everyone else very early too. I've been on the other side and received very delayed info and I found it quite hurtful that they had pretended everything was fine for months before telling us anything.

Just to add to what others have said, pathology reports are reliable, mammography is not.

The reason mammograms are not usually recommended for younger women is because most young women (about 75%) have dense breasts, and mammograms don't always 'see' things that might be hiding in dense breast tissue. Usually ultrasounds are recommended instead of mammograms for younger women, although ultrasounds can miss things too - they aren't very good at 'seeing' calcifications, which often is a sign of DCIS or a very early stage invasive cancer. MRIs are best for those with dense breasts. You are lucky that you were sent for the MRI.

Pathology reports are accurate, but for those who have needle biopsies, they only report on what was found in the small amount of tissue that was pullled up by the needle. So something different could be found in the final pathology. In some cases tumors are mixed grade, or might edge closely between grades making it more of a subjective call. So while your final diagnosis is most likely to remain grade 1, it is possible that your surgical pathology could find some grade 2 cells mixed in there. My tumor was assessed to be grade 2 but in reading the details, it just barely crept over the line from grade 1. I also had DCIS that was a mostly grade 3 but there was a bit of grade 2 mixed in.

What's most important to the treatment plan is hormone receptors, particularly ER and HER2. Hopefully the surgeon has that information by the time you see him on the 28th.

Can't offer much advice about when to tell your daughters except to say that you need to take their personalities into account. I don't think it's a one-size fits all answer on how to handle teens. My inclination would be to not tell them until you have a better idea about the diagnosis and possible treatment plan, but if they would be upset or angry knowing that you kept this from them for a period of time, and/or appreciative of being treated like adults and informed early, that could play into your decision.

I basically told people immediately. I had scheduled several events at our house to help with the waiting for biopsy results. Those results came sooner than expected. Got them on Wednesday, saw PCP on Thursday(cancelled neighborhood ladies luncheon and resigned from genealogy society board), saw BS on Friday (cancelled church group brunch), was planning on surgery (I was one of those who said now that I know it is there I want it out) the following Thursday but when the scheduler called on Monday they had just had a cancellation for Tuesday (cancelled neighborhood annual Soup Night) so surgery was 6 days after receiving diagnosis. Couldn't very well leave the kids out of that loop! Also have had moth's experience of being left out of the loop and wasn't happy about it (father had surgery for bladder cancer and forbade anyone from calling me). Personally, I would prefer to know as opposed to being kept in the dark.

With teens in the home, you may need to set some guidelines for acceptable behavior, i.e. sympathy is OK but don't overdo it, I'll let you know what help need when I need it, etc. Could be a great time for the teens to learn to cook and do laundry if they don't already know how.

All that said, you truly need to do what works best for you.((((hugs))))

Grady - I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but know that you are among a wonderful, generous group who will offer you all of the support you'd like through this journey.

My boys were 19 and 21 when I was diagnosed. I told them right away, telling them that I was doing so because I wanted them to feel confident that I would be 100% honest with them at all times. I told them that as far as I knew I was going to be ok, but if anything changed I would tell them. This way they knew not to worry too much, unless I told them otherwise. Both of them were returning to college shortly after they found out & I didn't want them worrying & wondering what was *really* going on at home.

I, too, have been on the other side of this. My mother was diagnosed with BC twice. She felt like she was protecting my sister and I, only telling us on a need-to-know basis. This was 25+ years ago & still today when we ask my mom how she is doing, we never really believe that she's being truthful. My experience with her definitely influenced my behavior with my own kids.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to let your children know. I hope my experience is helpful in some way.

Hugs.

Hi Gradyep.

It's been 12 years since I was diagnosed but my journey was very similar although I was older at 52. Family history of BC and yearly mammograms since about 35 with alternate 6 month manual checks with doctor. Mine was found after doctor suggested a baseline MRI after a normal 6 month mammogram. Doctor saw how upset I was and his response was “This is exactly why we have been checking you over the years - so we could catch it early". Sounds like the same for you. I had 2 tumors found in one breast- Stage 1, Grade 2, largest was .8 cm with no node involvement. Had a 2nd opinion and was told it could have taken a couple years for mine to show up on mammogram, so thankful for MRI! I believe MRI was just able to detect smaller tumors. Was BRCA negative but I opted for BMX since I had family history. After BMX, I had my ovaries prophylactically removed and DIEP reconstruction in 2 separate surgeries. My kids were 16 and 12 at the time. I waited until I had more information from the surgeon regarding expected prognosis before I told them about cancer and BMX. I emphasized the positive - that most individuals in my cancer situation had surgery with a 95% chance of no cancer within 5 years. That seemed to make them feel better although I could tell my 16 year old was still very worried. I figured if things changed after surgery, I could talk more with them. I'm blessed to be here 12 years later.


After all this rambling, I can only speak from my experience

- Sounds like the MRI just picked up your tumor earlier than a mammogram would, not that it's fast growing.

- I would trust that your pathology is pretty close for now. Mine was at this point in my journey but we all know how difficult it is to not go to the “what ifs"

- My suggestion is to talk with the surgeon before telling your kids if you can. If his opinion is as optimistic as it sounds like it may be, that will help both you and your kids deal with it better.

Sending positive thoughts, prayers and hugs your way.

Glad the conversation with your kids went well. Hope your meeting with the surgeon is positive too, so you can get a plan and move forward

Gradyep

I am in your shoes right now. Just had my biopsy this morning, and it is extremely high chance it is not b9 (the radiologist gave it birads score of 5), and there total 4 masses with total about 3.6 cm. The only thing comforting is that the radiologist emphasizes more than once when looking at my ultrasound and mammogram is that auxiliary nodes seem clear, but I know that will wait to see.

I have not officially diagnosed yet, but I knew the outcome would not be in my favor. Don’t know if they will give me the news before or after the new year.

As of family, I have 3 girls in high school and college ages. My husband is the only one in family knew about this. We have decided to wait until we know for sure the result and plan forward; to protect them, and to have a clearer picture if they have questions. I know my husband is right, he has been a rock for me so far, but I am afraid he yet to prepare for the reality that might come. One of my closest friend already picked up something troubling me, but I stopped short to let her know since this is the holidays time. I am also hiding it from my siblings and parents because we aren’t gathering due to covid. I know they might feel hurt when it is time to tell them. But I just can’t do that now without a plan or something to ease the news.

I am sharing your pain, on verge of crying to read your thread.

I keep telling myself to be strong, not for myself, but for the people I love most. I want my girls to see her mom strong, but I don’t know if that is the right thing to do to them. I keep reminding myself that many, many people have been in this path before, I should not feel pity for myself given I am not struggling financially (by no mean, we are not rich, but we are stable with jobs).

I see that I am blabbing now. Please forgive me if I intrude in your thread with my struggle, fee. I just want to hug you and have a hug back, sharing the pain and ease both our minds.

I want to second what moth said with everything in me: you don't have to be strong or brave. You just have to show up.

You can do this, Gradyep and tnnsd! I know I speak for all of us saying we wish you hadn't had to join us, but you will find wisdom, friendship and comfort here. ❤️

I agree with moth and Beesy on the being strong aspect of things... I've had family members and others terminal with various cancers... I could not stand hearing others talk about "how strong" they were b/c it put an unrealistic expectation on them about how they "could" or "should" be and left them very few people to go to where they could be vulnerable. I know people mean well though it's not a good thing.... I think when people tell people about bad medical news is a personal choice though I'm generally in favor of telling one or two really close trusted people and telling others once there is more info. or I think it can be overwhelming....