My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Hello Ladies~ long week already and it’s just barely Tuesday. Sometimes life just sucks out loud, you can’t make everyone happy, people and their moods. Everyone has their ways of doing things and others may not like the way people do their things. Somethings just crash together. I’m so sick of trying to have a peaceful existence for whatever time I have left. I need quiet and peaceful feelings and thoughts. Anxiety lives within me daily. Fear of the unknown lives in me daily, anger, lives within me daily, I feel like sometimes because we have cancer we should just suck up the way things are because we have no choice being so sick. Many battles went un fought because I just don’t have the energy to battle anymore. I’m tired and I just want people to live their lives and leave me alone. Just let me do what I want don’t bother me. I just want to be able to be my new normal, I’m realizing my new normal isn’t a very happy one. I’m never happy anymore. I never smile. Nothing to smile about. There is. Always something to figure out or someone messing something so very simple up for no reason. I do not know how people get along in life always needing their asses wiped. So sick of a lot of things. Myself included. I need to be better at doing things. I’m so damn tired all the time , even with the adderall. The 125 mgs is hard I will definitely admit. The day I was diagnosed was the day I stopped living. Ever since it’s been sadness and anxiety. Fear, anger, resentment. That’s what everyday is filled with. It used to be DH could bring me out. That’s even a challenge, he’s dragging down exhausted and tired as well. How long can people live this way?

Hi All. Just found this forum and I will lurk awhile. I have no one else to complain to so it is good to see the honesty here. My DH, DD and her DD live with me so I try hard to smile and stay positive, but it sometimes just hurts. Thanks.

Mel, your words are realistic and I hear your anguish.

I tried to express to my Palliative Care psychologist those same feelings. Unless you are Stage IV and on these hard treatments, not sure folks really understand the daily death threat sitting on your shoulder. It was suggested that when the dark thoughts start, to visualuze a big STOP sign and concentrate until this mental pain eases. It works only to distract me.

What are others doing for coping skills?

Mel,

I am sorry you are having such a bad week. Maybe what you are looking for is closer than you think. Have you ever explored your spiritual side? We all have one. I think God is trying to get your attention. If you would like to hear my story, give me a call or PM. Hang in there. Better days are ahead my friend.

Mel- You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your post was so real.

IntoLight- I have met you on other threads. Welcome here. We call this "Mel's Living Room". A place to plop down on the couch, grab a pillow, maybe a glass of wine (if you are so inclined, I would have hot cocoa), and rant, cry, or just talk. Boy, do I wish this Living Room were a real place to go. But, we truly "get it" here. And no judgement.

Sandi- My coping skills... I don't know. It is a struggle every day, sometimes every hour. I have found I am a person that needs schedule and purpose in my life. With Covid and cancer, that is hard to find. Even with being cooped up in my house all the time, I try to have a schedule to my days. Up each day at same time, to bed at same time. Bill paying, laundry, cleaning house. A schedule. Yes, the "daily death threat sitting on your shoulder". Will this be the last..... Holidays, Fall, etc. Counting down the days to my next scan, 21. I cannot even escape the thoughts at night. The dreams about my old life, old job, etc. Sometimes I wake up and just cry. I pray a lot-- just go around the house (I live alone) and talk with God. Like He is there in my house with me and I just say over and over "Help Me". I do look around at my surroundings and then thank God for all that I have. Thankfulness. Just trying to continue to be thankful.

Oh Moth. I am so sorry. Yes, I think crying counts as a coping skill.

I was just logging on to voice my own gripes. And then I read Moth's post. Then I think I could have it worse.

Today is sunny and cold (high in the 30's). Feels like winter. Quiet here, as always. My phone friends are at work on a Tuesday. Not much to do. Then I got to thinking about my scans and MO appt on the 21st. We will then see if the 4 liver mets have grown. If it will be called progression this time. My heart starts to race and stomach twirls. So I quickly think about something else. Then the mind goes to the thought of maybe the next treatment line will be worse (like Moth's experience). Heart race, stomach twirls. Gotta think about something else again.

So I come here to see how you all are doing.

I am thinking about all who are struggling right now. I struggle with thoughts but they come and go. I want you to know I’m thinking of you and sending a virtual hug to anyone who needs it.

Moth, crying is most definitely a coping skill. When it is not non stop crying 24/7, a good cry does release some of our pent up stress and emotion. I cry a lot when super fatigued. You definitely have too many things happening in your body and need a break and getting that certificate was an extra punch in the gut you did not need. I am so sorry this all is happening at once to you. I wish I could help you more but a great big virtual hug is coming to you.

I have not yet gone out in the snow but debating getting lunch and cleaned up and walking to the nearest grocery store before even more snow descends on us. I don't really want to rehearse tomorrow before my infusion. I plan to walk since I also have a doctor's appt this time. Yay, I get weighed. I know I will have gained weight due to all the peanut butter this time. No amount of walking I do can burn that many calories off. What I have done between sittings is getting my phone, playing a song from youtube and marching on my stepbench that I keep between living room and kitchen. Easier way than much else I feel like. I looked at the treadmill and really did not want to do it so this was my compromise. One song then done. I still like the stepbench because I have not tripped over the slight rise in floor since and since I always use the right leg to step up, it is much stronger than before.

Sorry to see many of you struggling.

Abraxane was tough on me too and I had to have to dose reduced but it was tough on the cancer too, so I’m hoping it’s worth it for you.

We’re back in Houston to do more, hopefully final packing and cleaning in the house and my quarterly scans and appointments over the next two weeks. In the meantime, no issues, just slow improvement on the vocal cords still.

On the bright side, I had a gift from a good friend waiting on my doorstep when we arrived last night.

cheers!

That is awesome Mae. Looks quite enjoyable.

I had a decent day today. Was more productive on surveys, laundry and walking. I did not go out for milk. I will have to walk to the hospital tomorrow, but I have boots that will work just fine. By tomorrow there should be more plowed anyway. I will also take a pair of cleats if I feel it is slippery. I did walk to different songs on the spot on my stepbench. It is quieter and probably gave at least 30 to 40 mins throughout the day. I also tweaked my peanut butter usage to actually using a tablespoon measure instead of huge spoonfuls. Trying to simply shrink portions versus completely cutting off things I like to eat.

lol sandi

So, lots of us are struggling... me too I’m afraid 😟. On Faslodex only and Pleural effusion getting worse ( apparently it should improve with time, or need drained... been there before). Pain and discomfort is the thing and my nurse team are trying to help. Unfortunately can’t do anything which is ibuprofen/ naproxen based as on a blood thinner, codeine makes me nauseous and if all hell let loose I’m allergic to morphine ( had an actual epileptic fit when they jabbed me after a wee op years ago).

Had a wee cry today as the pain not great and always in the back of your mind is this the cancer running riot?

Anyhooo... was thinking about pain and how it can be controlled, even short term. I’ve had acupuncture before for a shoulder problem (calcific tendinitis- agony), so might look at that for the effusion - anyone else? Also will ask about medical marijuana ( not a hope.. this is Scotland) but would love to see the reaction!

Pain and all the stuff in our heads is much harder to deal with... we need to work through it the best way we can...

Karen, I had calcific tendinitis twice, once at 40 and once at 50. Worst thing ever. Luckily, cortisone took care of it both times for me. I know that struggle. I tried acupuncture for back pain after a car accident. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. I’m glad it helped for your tendinitis. It can’t hurt to try. Hugs.

it’s always something for us to hoop jump through. Bad enough were sick. 😡

moth - sending a big cyberhug your way. Too many things weighing you down when you already don't feel good. Hopefully the caring you find here helps soothe the sadness. I hope you don't mind me saying, for some reason you remind me of when my daughter calls me, just needing a little "Mama love" see call it. She's a strong woman, but we all need a little unconditional TLC sometimes. I think we find that here.

Oh my, you ladies are are so strong, and you support each other so staunchly. The cancer scares me for when this first line of treatment fails, but I see your strength and will and perseverance and I am encouraged. To some that may seem cliche, but it is from the heart.

Mae, that is a good friend!

Mara and Candy, I like the way you talk about redirecting your thoughts when they head into the pits. Sometimes, I can just ask myself, What good will it do me to give in to this [despair]? Other times, it's harder to fight off.

Grannax - kick cancer's butt tomorrow!

Sending good thoughts and peace to everyone in Mel's living room.