When do you tell your children

B71 - Such an individual decision as each family is different. I have a 13-year old daughter and 16-year old son. We chose to let them (in addition to our parents, siblings and closest friends) know what was happening along the way. My breast surgeon confirmed after the mamo/US that she suspected breast cancer, and during my biopsy she felt even stronger that it would be cancerous. She said cancerous cells tend to sink while noncancerous cells tend to float - and that mine sunk. I think my family was better able to absorb the final diagnosis by hearing about it along the way. But that certainly may not be true for all. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I told my adult children right away - when I found the lump & then they were also aware where I was with testing and biopsies etc. Personally I would tell them what is happening but so much depends on your relationships. In our family, it would have been weird to keep things like that secret. I told my family - we don't know yet for sure but it doesn't look good.
With young kids I'd wait until I had actual answers and a sense of a treatment plan but adults are IMO able to handle the uncertainly of testing and waiting for a diagnosis and a plan.

best wishes. I hope the birads is wrong and it all turns out to be "remember mom's scare in 2020? what a year...."

B71, sorry you had to join us but glad you found us. I told my adult children after the biopsy but before pathology was back. I was honest with where I was in the process. I was prepared when the confirmation call came in a few days later.

I had my 3 - 20 something's kids stop by the house and told them together. Promised I would fill them in as things moved along. Got a few more texts and calls than usual of course .

I understand wanting to spare them but heartache is unfortunately part of life. I wanted to keep the lines of communication open. I hoped my openness would help them feel that they could be truthful with me should unforseen events happen in there lives. There really is no right answer.

I hope others don't think this is an odd statement . Although its not easy to share with anyone I really feel telling young children and teens would provide unique challenges and be a such more delicate situation.

Hang in there. We are here to listen!

I didn't tell my adult son until I had the final diagnosis. Then I had to tell him because he needed to plan to come to town to take me to surgery & stay for a couple days afterwards.

I only told two other people until after everything was long over. I didn't want people calling all the time to see how I was doing if I'd managed to find a lucky minute when I wasn't thinking about breast cancer. And I didn't want people bring food that I wasn't interested in eating. I worked out well for me.

I didn't tell anyone anything until I had my biopsy scheduled and then I only told my husband. When I finally got the results back then I told my adult sons, my mother and other family members. I just didn't want everybody else worrying about this until I knew there was something to worry about. After I got my results then I had much more information to give them as well as a plan for the path forward. At that point I was calmer as well and was very matter of fact about what I had and what we going to do about it. Like AliceBastable said, no drama. I don't do drama lol! So it was very matter of fact for us and everyone handled it very well.

I still have not told our two adult children (who live in other states) about my 2019 de novo, stage 4 breast cancer. I currently have no evidence of disease, so I see no reason to alarm or worry them about nothing.

I am a no drama mama. When the time comes, I will let them know (probably later than sooner).

Genetic tests were negative, so there's no need to inform them about any worrisome inherited genes.

My mother in law was "dying" for the last 20 years of her life. Every Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthday was her "last". It was morbid, dreary, and draining for the entire family. She lived to be 92!

GlobalGal

I will likely be regarded as the odd one out because I didn't even tell my husband until I had a diagnosis. My tumor was palpable but not seen on mammogram and the following ultrasound was not obviously indicating cancer. Even at the time of biopsy the radiologist was not certain what we were looking at was breast cancer. I had a 20-year history of biopsies and cyst aspirations and didn't feel the need to concern him unless it was necessary. For many of those previous procedures I went alone because he was active duty military and not available to accompany me, and I was totally fine with that. He has always been super supportive, and I had a number of previous surgeries pre-dating my diagnosis, and he fell into lockstep right away as we planned next steps. I am not an overly emotional person, and neither is he - we were just pragmatic about our approach. I told my college age daughter the same day I told my husband because she lived at home, told my away at college son once I had the first consult with the breast and plastic surgeons. I had concerns about distracting both children while they were in college, but they did fine. My daughter had more exposure to the day-to-day, and while she was there for surgeries, I did not let her come to the oncologist, that environment would have been too much for her. My son did visit toward the end of chemo and came to one infusion, but he is a firefighter/paramedic so I knew he would be ok with what he experienced - although it is always different when it is your parent. I have had interesting reactions to my choices, but I think you know your family best and what will work for you, and for them. I definitely wanted to have some informational ducks in a row before I told my children so I could answer their questions. We have no local family and my parents and only sibling have all passed away, and I told extended non-local family and friends over time as opportunities presented themselves.