Changes to family dynamic after diagnosis

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3bears
3bears Member Posts: 254
edited October 2020 in Share Your Experiences Of Life After A Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Anyone experience a change in the family after being diagnosed? My teens were 14 and 16 when I was diagnosed 4 years ago. Our normally happy family began to have teenage trouble. I now have 2 kids that don't speak and seem to have much anger directed toward us. I feel like maybe it was the breast cancer diagnosis after all that started it all. Maybe they were afraid that I was going to die. I was an excellent mother and I can't figure any other reason for these difficulties . Anyone else

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  • WC3
    WC3 Member Posts: 1,540
    edited October 2020

    3bears:

    I'm not a parent but have you sat down and tried to discuss this with them?

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  • MinusTwo
    MinusTwo Member Posts: 16,634
    edited October 2020

    3bears. I'm sure they were afraid and supposed it's possible that's the source of their 'anger. I'm sure others with teens & young adults will weigh in.

    I just wanted to say 18-21 is when my relationship with my own mother became strained. There were no health issues. She just wanted me to be the same as I used to be - and I was growing up. I no longer wanted to share everything in my life with her and I started forming some of my own opinions on the world. She just couldn't let go. Sadly our relationship continued to deteriorate as I kept pushing harder to move further away. Just a thought.

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  • Trishyla
    Trishyla Member Posts: 1,005
    edited October 2020

    I had a similar experience with my adult son. He was (is) angry at me for being sick. I have always been the strong one, handling the "emotional health" of our family. He couldn't deal with the thought that there was something that hit me so hard. Not only was he afraid of losing me, he couldn't stand to see me weak and hurting.

    Did your kids express any concern that you might not make it, leaving them? That can cause kids to pull away in self protection. Also, if they took on more responsibilities when you were sick, that could cause them to want to continue to be more independent.

    Can you schedule an appointment (virtually or in person) with a family therapist? They can help you get to the bottom of what's going on with your kids.

    Good luck. I hope everything works out for you in the best possible way.

    Trish


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  • FindingOptimism
    FindingOptimism Member Posts: 67
    edited October 2020

    FWIW, I think what you are seeing is very common in that age range. I have a friend who calls it the teenage tunnel. In my case my daughters emerged about age 21 and,at 25, my oldest is now a pleasure. I would not have said that 6 years ago. I do think the diagnosis exacerbates the problem, but there is also the need to find their own space and when this conflicts with you needing them, it can be a combustible mixture

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited October 2020

    You do not recover from believing your mother (or father) is hopelessly stupid until you are sometime between 25-30, even when they don’t have cancer, at which time they magically become wise again. You also tend to believe this of your previously beloved siblings..

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  • LillyIsHere
    LillyIsHere Member Posts: 830
    edited October 2020

    My kids were 15 and just turned 12 when I was diagnosed last year. I told them 3 weeks after my diagnoses and I simplified as much as I could but my youngest was very emotional and scared she will be without a mom. She is 13 now and totally different personality. Both kids are still close to me and I don't think it has anything to do with my diagnoses. Just teenage years are crazy years. My friend calls these age as "temporary insanity" :).

    MinusTwo has a good point and I can see how they want to be independent.

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  • MountainMia
    MountainMia Member Posts: 1,307
    edited October 2020

    Yes, I do think the family dynamic can change a lot. My son was 30 when I was diagnosed in early 2019. He and his new wife were facing a lot of stresses of their own (newly married, about to have a baby, about to move across the country away from her family... ) and did not have energy or room in their hearts for me or my husband and what we were going through. Things seem to be improving now. What I have determined is that the issues are theirs, primarily, and they need to mature and resolve some of their own problems. It has been very hard for my husband and me, but we are trying to be open and compassionate and ready to be part of their lives again, when they are capable.

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  • MinusTwo
    MinusTwo Member Posts: 16,634
    edited October 2020

    Lily - I love that "temporary insanity".

    MountainMia - my son was just over 40 and hadn't lived at home since 18. Because I live alone, he was my rock through surgeries. But we only co-existed well for three-four days, then he went home to another state. The long term result is he really doesn't want to hear much about medical "stuff", but I know he would be here in a heartbeat if I really needed him.

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