Need feedback on how to navigate holiday social events

As an immumocompromised person I'm continuing to avoid indoor gatherings with anyone not in my quarantine bubble. Two guests visiting outdoors on a spacious deck with 2m+ distancing is what we have done to date and that's the plan for any holidays, esp as the actice case numbers have risen a bit since phase 2 opening. I am particularly concerned about asymptomatic carriers.

I expect the cooler weather and school opening to further drive case numbers up.
Canadian thanksgiving comes early so our American friends can see how it goes for all of us here

As much as I would like to celebrate Thanksgiving with my children and grandchildren, it probably will not happen this year. My DS usually sponsors Thanksgiving for the entire family with everyone bringing an assigned dish or two and we have designated Christmas days (between his in-laws and us) which most likely won't happen either. I am at higher risk due to age, AI I am taking, plus RA meds which lower my immunity. My grandchildren are in the age groups where they are considered to be possible asymptomatic carriers. So I see them from a distance but miss their hugs and kisses tremendously.

The year I was diagnosed was the last year I could bring myself to go all out with decorating for Christmas which had been my favorite holiday. Now I find December to be anxiety producing due to BC and the death of my Dad years before (from which I had recovered). The BC diagnosis was several days before Christmas, cruelly delivered and I am unable to not relive the traumas I suffered then. Yes, I did seek professional help and it was not helpful. So the best I can do is try to avoid the triggers and I was enjoying the decorations at others homes. We do luminarias in the neighborhood so I do enjoy doing that and taking a ride to see all the participating neighbors homes.

It's sad because I do not know how many years I have left and that is the worm niggling in my brain.

• Grew up in small family and never had kids so holidays were mostly at someone else's house. I just brought food and gifts and showed up. Holidays have always been afterthought or pain in the butt to me anyway. Don't plan on leaving my bubble until COVID is under control. There are so many things that I used to do and can't now due to extreme fatigue and/or COVID (ski, hike, camp, travel, lift weights, host parties for 20). Holiday celebrations are WAY down on my list of things I'm not doing.

I will not leave my "bubble" either. The one BFF that I always celebrated with died 15 years ago. And the one SIL I used to celebrate with is also gone - so no big Christmas gatherings in quite some time. My son always works over the holidays and they live several states away so we rarely get together at holidays. Not to mention that they are vegetarians so no turkeys in sight.

They don't have children and they recently bought a house, so I'll send them gift cards to places that will be useful - like Home Depot & Costco & Total Wine. I agreed with my three nieces and nephews a couple of years ago - no presents. I only send small presents for the kids to open. We all have too much stuff anyway. Otherwise each family gets one edible gift - like oranges or pears or sourdough bread or pecan nuts. I've been spending holidays alone for a long time and that's OK with me. People call that I haven't visited with in awhile & I can dive into a book I've held back. I'm not at all lonely, although I miss the plethora of different foods that large gatherings provide.

Interesting note - one of my best birthdays was when no one could join me. (maybe 40??) I cooked a pork roast (when they used to have fat on them) and had a wonderful time eating right off the entire roast on my plate.

Are any of our lives like we all supposed it would turn out when we were little & dreaming of the future? No, who ever suspected breast cancer?? But life's been rich many different ways.

I’m definitely concerned about the holidays. For some family Lowe have a system where everyone gets tested, then quarantines and then gathers so we minimize possible COVID-19 risk of infection. For any travel, I check my blood work and message my doctors (both oncology and palliative care) to see if I’m ok to see others. Lately my white blood count is fine, just RDW is a little high and platelets are low so they don’t see an issue. They say it’s fine if I can maintain distance.

This brings up my other family members, who aren’t taking the virus seriously and claim they are being careful when I ask so we will visit, but I find out they aren’t wearing masks, distancing, or really believe the health officials about the risks. While I feel bad my children can’t have the holiday celebrations full of tons of family that I had, I can’t take that kind of risk so as long as there’s no vaccine, we will be staying away from them.

While I can be honest with the family that is honest with me and willing to take all precautions, for the others, I just don’t bring up holidays or change the subject. When it gets closer, as with birthdays over the summer, I’ll just tell them I can’t take the risk with my health and offer to set up a video call.

Acceptance is key in all this. In the past, this would have really upset me, especially when it involved my mom (who is part of the second family group I mentioned). Now, I’ve learned to accept them all for who they are, love them anyway, but prioritize myself and my children no matter what. I’m reading this book, Untamed, and she says that it’s more important to make sure you aren’t disappointing yourself than avoid disappointing others at your expense. After 43 years, I’ve finally gotten there (or at least have started to...the holidays will be a great test of putting myself first)

My husband's huge family has had their big annual get-together on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, usually a fish fry, occasionally a barbeque if no-one has gone fishing. It's always a lot of fun, and this will be our first year of not having one in decades. We used to do Thanksgiving at different houses each year, but the family got too large for an indoor-only event. Hubby's siblings & partners have an early Christmas each year, but it probably won't happen this year. It's a shame since we're all getting older, about half in our 70s now.

My family consists of me, Hubby, our grown son, my sister, her two grown kids and their partners and the children of one of them. Eight adults and two or three kids, depending on custody arrangements. Somehow, we haven't been able to get together anytime between Thanksgiving and New Years, although we all live within about ten miles of each other. Apparently it's just too HAAAARRD for them. I haven't seen my sister in two years and the others in about two and a half. The last two years, Hubby, son, and I did a picnic on Thanksgiving, and had a nice, quiet, low-key Christmas at home. We've made our own new traditions.

It will just be me, the hubs and our 3 kids. I'm already planning how to do my shopping and baking so we can do contactless drop offs for local family and friends and mailing of packages to far away family. I have always loved the holiday season and this year I'm going to savor it and enjoy it even though it can't be what I imagined for my first post cancer treatment fall/winter.

I have stage 4 breast cancer metastasized to the bones, it's a terminal diagnosis. As a registered nurse I fully understand the risks associated with COVID, I know statistically if I get infected I'm likely to not survive. However, I have a 2 yr old and a 5yr old and I want them to have as normal a life as possible, and it's especially important to me that we make as many happy memories as possible while I'm here with them. We will likely not travel to visit our family but instead just have my parents stay with us and visit the few friends we have kept within our social circle. We will be sure to participate in outdoor activities, like parades and, if not cancelled, our outdoor Christmas village. It won't be the same as a big family holiday celebration down south but it will be fun, and most importantly it will be safer for us. And thankfully we will be able to video chat with family and friends far away.

I think I have a Thanksgiving plan. There are 7 of us... daughter and son-in-law are in public service jobs so they are constantly exposed to COVID. Grandkids are 6 and 13. We’re going to plan a “first Thanksgiving” outdoor lunch. Since it will be weather dependent, it may not actually be on Thanksgiving Day, but, oh well. (We normally have Thanksgiving dinner, but since it’ll be outside, temps will be warmer at lunch time). I’m thinking large, outdoor, portable tables decorated with pilgrim hats, corn, and maybe hand warmers (we’re in VA, so it may be warm or cold!). Turkey already sliced and any hot vegetables in a thermos or two. (I’ll figure something out). Plan B is Thanksgiving in the garage with the garage door open, chairs spaced appropriately, a portable heater, and balancing your plate on your lap.

Christmas is harder. DH and I will skip the daughter’s large, combined family Christmas Eve party. We usually go to their house on Christmas morning to see what Santa left and to have breakfast. I love that but will probably miss it. Christmas dinner (usually at our house) may be a garage event also with the door open. May be the first time ever I “decorate” the garage a bit. I just don’t know...

I hope the people celebrating with just "immediate family" know for sure that those people have had no covid exposure in the last couple of weeks. The recommendations for lowest risk now are to celebrate with your immediate household, or only the people you already live with. Here is the link to the CDC:

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-li...

My husband and I will be home for Thanksgiving. Our adult daughter, who has already had covid, will join us. Even though she presumably won't be contagious, we will keep our distance. The restrictions are tiring and seem never-ending, but they will end soonest and with the fewest casualties if people would just "sacrifice" their own desires for a bit longer. No need to turn Thanksgiving or Christmas into "it was only my immediate family" superspreader events.

I have been out of treatment for several yrs, but the anxiety of the COVID has taken it's toll for sure. I told my DD I will be a Reclusive, hoarding germo-phobe before it's all over! Lol. I live alone and I am not a social butterfly by any means. I do miss my outings and lunches, shopping trips with my few close friends. The worst for me is not being able to have my grandkids spend the night, hang out, etc. I have 6 and I miss them dearly. I have been in self-isolation for the past 10 days so I can spend TG with my DS, DIL and their 2 kids. They work from home and home-school, they curbside shop and don't have friends over. My DD and her family live a bit further away, but SIL sees patients all day and oldest GS is in person school. The younger kids play with neighbors often. I hate that I can't be with them also, as, normally we would all get together at one place. I have no idea what C-mas will be like. I will probably isolate again and go to my sons'. Maybe take gifts to my DD's and have them open them in the garage while I sit in my car. I don't know, but I am thankful that the end is in sight and hopefully this is a one time thing this yr. I hope you all can make the best of things and have hope for the future.

Kristen, sorry you are going through this, esp right now. I can only say that you need to take it one day, sometimes one minute at a time. Know that you will get to the other side, but nobody can do it for you. You are stronger than you think. Some days will be easier than others. I took long walks, read and journaled. It might be a good time to take up a new creative activity! It's nice that you have a furry friend to hold on to!:) Pretty soon it will be in your rearview mirror and you will be able to reciprocate! ((HUGS))

Kristen, yes, the surgery, chemo, radiation are all exhausting, and that doesn't even include the mental/emotional stresses of going through this process. Add in basic work stress and 2020 and you have the right combo for being more emotional. All that means is that you (your body and brain) are going through a lot and only have enough energy and other resources to deal with parts of it. Right now the physical part takes priority. There is no shame in that, and it's completely normal. I read something yesterday about the difference between resilience and flexibility. Resilience is being able to come back from something stressful, which is important for sure. Flexibility is being able to respond in the moment to the stressor. It is a moment by moment thing, and if you aren't flexible (being able to stretch) you won't be able to snap back with resilience. So just take it moment by moment. Do what you can NOW to feel better NOW.

I'm a bit low today, as my Thanksgiving last year was with son, DIL, and their baby boy, halfway across the country. DIL does not like me, which neither husband nor I understand. We thought our visit at their home went well. By a few days later, we were told I had basically ruined everything, and that I was a miserable guest. (I had just had reduction surgery a few days before, after spending the prior few months with lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation. So I guess I wasn't energetic, positive, and cheery enough.) Our relationship with both of them has been poor to marginally better since then. So today I am remembering a year ago, and how everything turned to mud. I am glad we will not see them this year, but I am sad that things are so bad between us. Holidays, the most wonderful time of the year...

Mountain Mia—thank you so much for your very kind reply. You and keep the faith have helped me feel so much better for being so emotional. I am sorry you’re having a tough time. Family stress is so difficult especially at the holidays. I can tell by following these forums over the past few months what a big heart you have. You deserve so much better. I know you have a lot of deep relationships here, but if you ever need a place to vent, I’m here for you, too. I’ll be around tomorrow if you need somebody to remind you how fabulous you are. Thanks for being there for me today