My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Hello to all on a Sunday morning.

Mel- Sorry for your insomnia last night. Hope you finally got a few zzz's.

Moth- So sorry for what your MO said. Seeing it in writing is so surreal. Still seems unreal to me that I have a terminal illness.

Dutchiris- Hoping you are feeling some better today. But you need to get the new pain issues checked out- maybe they can bump up the scans.

Not much here. Picked up WalMart purchases yesterday and did laundry. Nothing to do today. Our State is still in lockdown-- till May 30 -- with new cases and deaths each day. But yesterday was sunny and in the 80's so people out and about (reported to me by one of those people). I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. I stay in, and will continue to do so when things open back up. The virus is still out there and I fear getting it. Also, I don't feel like running around doing things. I walk like a tin man and I am tired a lot. I don't feel like I have things in common with my friends anymore. We are walking two different paths. Another of our sisters- Pajm- is gone. 2 back to back. Makes it real, you know.

I am not walking outside today though it is sunny. Decided to have a relaxing day inside making my pennies off my earning sites and want to finish my book so I can read another. May do the treadmill over a couple of hours with walking to a song and taking a minute off. Still keeps my body active without killing me and probably more laundry. I had dye leak all over white cloths and nothing worked until I soaked overnight with bargain branded oxi clean. They look nice again. Also will be looking for a new show to watch as well. Not sure what yet. Tomorrow is May the 4th which to a Star Wars nerd like me is big so saving movie day for tomorrow. Should be a fun thing for me too do, order some movie popcorn and just enjoy myself as I do not go out to many things even when not in quarantine.

Hi Mel. I am staying home, and will continue to do so, but not happily. Yes, when I want/need to do something, I want to be able to go do it. But missing activity too-- church services, volunteering, etc. House is quiet and boring. It is weird--- my mind races wanting to do something, but my body rebels with aches and fatigue. I was working full time up until last summer, so just now one year. So in last year went from full time employment, to retirement and doing some things still, to doing nothing now. My mind still wants to be active. Feeling depressed. Try to call friends or text them, but they are all busy with their own lives and families. Maybe I should do some online shopping to occupy the days, but on a limited income-- SSD. Sigh....

Mara- I did order 2 pairs of jeans and 2 tops this spring. But have to watch funds. My health insurance is horribly expensive too.

The funds are why I’m starting Xmas shopping in March. I have to spread it out. I do have my DH. Luckily he makes a good living. But he’s frugal and it’s rubbed off on me. I have all the ladies done on my list except one. For Christmas. Even just grocery shopping I have to watch every penny. I like our finances separated, I need to feel control over my life somehow. Makes me feel Some sense of independence. Everything is a challenge for sure. My only haven is sleeping. But I keep having this reoccurring dream about a cruise ship (which I hate) sooo weird. We went for a ride outside. It’s magnificent, we didn’t get out of the car. Crazy no social distancing going on there. It was 80 here today. Just lovely.

Mel, gotta love those recurring dreams. Mine are always the same just before I wake up. In the dream my whole family including my younger brother are running a restaurant. Usually I wake up shouting at people (out loud) about something they've done. My younger brother is usually the one I am shouting at for taking money from the cash register. One time my niece got in trouble for not being nice to customers. I can only reason that my brain is just dealing with issues whilst I am asleep and clearing out toxins. I imagine if someone lived with me, it could get very annoying. Another dream I have had is about a highschool boyfriend that I had a hard time letting go of. Usually in that dream, I get to react to things better than I did in real life and realize he was not the be all and the end all. I don't usually shout in that dream.

booboo - for pain, have you tried gabapentin? I had deep taxol pain in my bones and muscles and gabapentin has helped me

As for nighttime and insomnia, I only sleep because of zopiclone (full dose on steroid days otherwise 1/2) and gabapentin

Mel- I have issues with clothes too. I never liked clothes shopping. I NEEDED some new clothes due to weight gain with the meds. But things don't fit right. Boob prosthesis is noticeable--rides up, so breasts are uneven and doesn't look like the natural breast because of no fat on top or under arm. Very insecure of myself above the waist. Then I bought a new pair of tennis shoes. Always wear the same size in sneakers. Current ones are couple of years old so well worn in. New shoes fit too tight--even though same size. Noticed my ankles are more swollen. Combo of swelling and I think the untreated rheumatoid arthritis making the ankle bones bigger. So shoes look funny with my swollen ankles poking out the sides of the shoes. I hate how my body looks now. I never was a beauty, but I look older and full of scars. Weight gain, boob issue, and short chubby legs with fat ankles. Fun, fun.

Candy~ I am always in sweat pants. Then it blends in better. And I hate the heat because of tank tops. I also canttolerate heat heat anymore. I need lake and a breeze and I'm happy. Dressing me is like a job. I always feel so clunky and lopsided. I used to love my little wardrobe. Could wear anything. Not anymore. ☹️

MJH~atta girl. It sounds like such a lovely day for you to have. I kinda feel like there is some

Dysfunction inn my house as well. My son is clueless and I know it wears on my DH's last nerve. I can't disagree with the points he makes. But it's my son. It torn between tough love and my dh being correct. I want my son. To do more around. The house. He doesn't. He should. It's annoying. Why is it the boys? My dd has her own place now it's always clean and nice. Why are boys slower to achieve this knowledge? I want scallops! You make me smile I love. Seeing your name here. Serious OG checking in here ladies. Hugs to you sweet sister. 🌻🌹 ((Happens to me when I sneeze or cough

Karen~ no trolling here, I don't know what post you meant. I'm always glad to see you here.

Morning all.

I have never heard the term "Karen" to describe a woman. Must not be a Southern Illinois term. I am sure we have slang words, but cannot think of an example just now.

MJHJAN- Glad you had a good day. Those are rare for me, but I love when I have one.

So, I need some ideas on things I can do while isolated. Let me explain. I have a guy friend--I have mentioned him before. We text a lot. He will text every morning as he is going to work. Why? I don't know. Kinda wish he would stop. Anywho… He will ask what my plans are for the day. After retiring, I would text " Today I am going to the church for a few hours as secretary" OR " Today I am going to ___ committee meeting" OR " Today my sister is coming over and we are going out to eat lunch". So now I cannot say any of that. But I have a good excuse---the shut down, the virus. But.... when things open back up I am going to need to be careful still. I will probably not do those things due to not wanting to catch the virus out in public. So, for example, today I texted " I am going to make out some bills, that is it". What can I do to occupy my mind when I need to self isolate and when I feel crummy physically? I don't garden. I cannot stand the heat of summer--being out in the yard. I need something inside that can occupy me. I have thought about Ancestry.com. Looking up my ancestors. Not physically demanding. But mind using. I know there is a fee---my fund issues. We have a genealogy department at my local library and that would be free, but, yet again, they are closed now and when they open it will be a public place to spread the virus. I am going stir crazy with the long endless days of nothing to do. And I don't see an end. I think the virus will slow in the summer, but I think we will still hear of cases in our area. And I don't want to be one of those.

Thanks for the ear. Love you all.

candy you can get started with free sources. I am kind of obsessed with researching my family tree. If you have any names to begin with, you can google the name and their city and see what old archived newspaper info comes up. Lots of old newspapers' archives now digitized.

(Due to a death notice and a notice of sale, I discovered that I had an ancestor in NYC who owned land on the corner of 57th st and 5th ave.... In 1860. Which got sold when he died. Bad move!!)

As far as what I try to find to do. I start small. I try to exercise most days, mostly walking at this point. I like to walk to a song, take a minute rest and walk again. Change the speeds to, go 3.5 mph for a song and then rest and water, then slow for a song. I just cannot stand walking a long time as it is boring. Doing it this way occupies my mind more. I usually go for half an hour of this after meals. I don't go out a great deal because I would simply spend mindless money. I am OK staying in the bulk of the week. I would like to go to the dollar store, but all I would do is come home with laundry supplies. I already have enough laundry supplies to keep a large family going for a month, let alone me. I LOVE oxygen bleaches like oxyclean since everything comes out beautiful, even dried up dye transfer but I have an 11 L container full.

The other thing that keeps me occupied is making my money online. I don't make a lot but it really is nice to do so I can spend more on groceries or takeout. I also enjoy exploring all the things I can give mexican flavour to. Today, I took a scoop of Mc D's poutine, half of a harvey's burger, beans, bran shredded cheese. Microwaved for 2 mins to melt the cheese. Then I took it, sliced it up and put a small amount of queso and a small amount of tortilla chips for an extra crunch. It was delicious.

I try to find something I can solve or do better every day because it gives me something to do and learn. I am still listening to audio books because they are enjoyable. I now call older brother and SIL each week and my phone friend Shirley on weekdays. Keeps me connected to the outside world. These are small things, but easiest for me to cope and not have a lot of bad days either.

Candy, something sometime will spark you. Also, don't be embarrassed to say you are at home, anybody who knows you, knows your health status.

I had a nice nap with the cats, had planned for an outdoor walk, but got tired instead. Listened to my body and dozed lightly. Was very nice and cool with my AC on.

Mara- A nap with the cats sounds like my type of woman. I love resting with my fur baby. So peaceful. And he loves it too- purrs.

Karen- Good ideas but I say I am domestically challenged--cannot sew or cook. My sister is a wonderful cook, always trying new recipes for her family. She too thinks I should take this time to learn to cook. But I live alone and just don't have the desire to cook, esp just for one person-me.

I like to come here just to voice my thoughts. Ok here is one from today.... My nephew- sisters son- came by today. He is 18 years old, just starting his adult life. Healthy. Smart. He said he had a box of masks he got somewhere and was going to keep them as a souvenir of the 2020 Pandemic. He said maybe after many years they might be worth a lot. Hahaha. I got to thinking about what he said. I can see where he is coming from. I too would be thinking that way if I was him. He will have this time to share with his children one day. He will have the memories of the Quarantine, the businesses being shut down, the Stay at Home Orders, the Social Distancing. I pray he has a long life and can look back on this time with a smile. Then I think of myself-- the fear, the loneliness. And I think I would like to have that box of masks to USE to protect myself from the virus or just from the regular colds/flu with the low counts from the cancer treatment.

Wow, how different the Pandemic can be viewed by 2 people.