MBC - anxiety and difficulty following treatment plans

I have been on a cancer Journey since finding a lump after a clear mammogram. May of 2011 - 9 years.

My difficulty with breast cancer has to do with anxiety, depression, fear and a strong avoidance of long term adherence to suggested treatments.

I knew something had come back and was unable to do anything for 6 months until I couldn't walk. I kept believing that the bumps on my breast would be slow growing and that my pain in my back was from nerve pain. Not so. a tumor on the spine broke the vertebrae and impinged on the spinal cord. An MRI and my doctor convinced me I had to have the surgery to repair the spine after removing the tumor. I can now walk again. The cancer is in the bones, lungs, breasts.

From the beginning I found a surgeon who did intra-operative radiation therapy and yet when the mass was larger than expected I did not do chemotherapy and radiation as my research showed it was so damaging to the immune system.

Two years later. When there was one lymph node with cancer and I needed an axillary dissection I did that surgery but the chemotherapy session was so bad that I attempted suicide. I was overwhelmed with costs and ongoing treatments. The doctors stopped the treatments.

Four years after diagnosis. My nipple inverted and my breast hurt. I opted for a second lumpectomy but there was cancer in the skin and I had a mastectomy one month later. I did not want chemotherapy again and went into an emotional tailspin of depression and anxiety. I tried suicide again in my car.

I had been put on Letrozole a second time. After a while I went off that and stopped going for monthly labs and check ups. I was convinced to have radiation at this point.

I had a reconstruction that did not go well at all. This was 6 years after diagnosis.

9 years after diagnosis I had the surgery. I am not dealing with it very well. This time though I am with a palliative care doctor and a new oncologist. I am taking iBrance and Letrozole. So far it is 2 months into the treatments and I have an antidepressant in two parts.

This is a cautionary tale. My journey is not ideal at all. I am still here and hoping that I can manage the anxiety and depression long term now. I am told that the emotional medicine doesn't replace good coping skills. I sit a lot. I have some needlework and classical music today.