Not Telling Family

Lexica, Telling your children can be very difficult on a good day...respect her wishes. She will tell them what she wants them to know when she is ready. She told you in confidence and you should respect that trust. Sometimes you just need the "right time" to tell those you love. For me, telling my adult children was probably the most difficult part of my DX. There was a sense of guilt that I felt responsible for causing them pain and worry. It's not reality, but it is part of the process. Give her time. The best thing you can do for her right now is listen to her and offer help and guidance if she asks. Best wishes~

I didn't tell my young adult children til I had a firm diagnosis and a treatment plan, so I was able to answer many of their questions about what would happen next. Not telling her sons now is different than not telling them at all. Have patience and as others have said, she is fortunate to have you in whom to confide.

Here is my story-it might shed some light on waiting to tell people and the right patients have to tell them when they are ready.

My mother insisted on being in the surgery waiting room when I had my excisional biopsy. We ( hubby and I )asked her not to come, but she insisted. Since she could drive, we really couldn't stop her. The stupid surgeon (he is a good surgeon, but made a poor choice) came out to the waiting room and told both my husband and mom that the lump was indeed b.c., and my mother called my sister, my brother, everyone she knew, probably. The surgeon told ME when I was essentially still half asleep from the anesthesia, without my husband there (another poor choice).

Anyway, since my brother knew, HE told his teen-age daughters, who called my own daughter and told HER right away. I wasn't even out of the hospital when all this happened. All without checking first with me. My daughter was traveling for her work, and she was alone at some airport when she got the news.

I wanted to wait until she came home, and I could tell her in person and reassure her, because I knew I could. Instead, I was robbed of that right, and my daughter was alone and freaked out and terrified. I was angry.

Claire in AZ

The thing is, most people you tell, in confidence, will agree to keep your confidence but actually think it's ok if they tell just one or two people, as long as they swear them to secrecy. Then those two people each go tell two more and swear them to secrecy. And so on. That is why I told only three people who needed to know and I made it very clear that it was not ok to tell anyone else. This was to protect my kid so I could tell what and when I chose. I missed out on some support that way but my kid was my priority. I allowed my DH to tell someone he wanted to get support from. Sure enough, that person told someone else even though DH had said not to.

Alice, that's funny about the crazy-face emoji! Thanks for the laugh. I'm sorry you had to deal with the drama of your sister. I still have to tell my sister... She's going to be really upset, but she's not whack-a-doodle, fortunately. There is one lady at our church who will probably go into hysterics when she finds out. When she heard that another woman in our church had breast cancer, she burst into tears and started saying, "Oh this is terrible! How can this be happening? This isn't fair!" I told her "Joann, you need to be strong for her. Hysterics aren't going to help her." The other woman has been NED for about 5-6 years now.

I spoke with my dad, the physician, last night. He just had a Mohs surgery on his ear to remove a cancer. He was very impressed with the procedure. He signed in, then waited in his car until they came and got him. They did the procedure, then had him wait in his car while they checked the results. They came back out and said they didn't get clean margins, so they brought him back in an took a little more. Got clean margins that time, so they sent him home. Sounds like all is good.

It's really hard not telling him anything at all at this point, but after Wednesday, the 22nd, I should know enough to give him the full diagnosis and the treatment plan.

Strength and blessings to all my sisters out there - even the bat-sh*t crazy ones! Actually, maybe being bat-sh*t crazy isn't so bad. I had neighbor text me yesterday saying she had gone to the local grocery store, and there were 3 people not wearing masks. I told her that all we have to do is go to the store and act really weird (AKA bat-sh*t crazy) and people will avoid us! "STAY AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY LADY IN THE TOOTHPASTE AISLE!"