Please tell me this gets better

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OnlyGirlof5
OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
edited February 2021 in Sex & Relationship Matters

Happy, healthy and active sex life before this nightmare began. All of the sudden, the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I just turned 50 and got the diagnosis. "Welcome to your 50s! These are the best years of your life. And, by the way, you have breast cancer."

I KNEW there would be bumps. I feared he would find the scars unattractive. He's been wonderful supporting me through all of this. He has taken such good care of me post surgery. Handled the disgusting drain. Attends all the appointments. I didn't want him to even see the scar, in fear it would freak him out. But he's been great.He assures me he's okay with it. However, scars, scars and more scars. Now I fear it has been too much.

I couldn't wait until we got the clear. Remember, I said we had an active sex life? I found myself nervous when we decided it was time. I expected some discomfort and awkwardness due to this missing part. I left a shirt on to hide the scar. We turned off all the lights because I was so self-conscious. It was awkward and clumsy but my body responded immediately. Things were fine and "upright" as long as we weren't facing each other. As soon as we tried our go-to position, instant deflation. We tried several more times in varying positions and the same result when returning to facing each other. Finally I just gave up. He finished and I wound up in tears.

I KNOW it's not his fault but it cut me to the core, I know he loves me, but his physical reaction is kind of hard to ignore. As much as I need sex, I can't handle this response knowing it's because of what I look like now.

Please tell me this gets better!

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  • prepmom
    prepmom Member Posts: 31
    edited March 2020

    I was also diagnosed at 50 in August. Instead of wearing a shirt could you maybe wear a sexy bralette?? I have a couple - one by coobie that I particularly like. Wearing it makes me less self conscious & seems to do the trick. I apologize if I am oversimplifying your situation. This is so hard!!! Even though I know I’m very lucky in the scheme of things, sometimes I just hate the new normal

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2020

    Hi OnlyGirlof5 and welcome to Breastcancer.org,

    We're so sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but we're really glad you've found us. As you can already see, our incredible Community is a wonderful source of advice, information, and support -- we're all here for you! Others will surely be by soon to weigh in with their thoughts and experiences, but we wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You're sure to get some great advice soon from others who have been there, too.

    Sending big hugs your way and hoping to hear more from you soon!

    --The Mods

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  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 5,758
    edited March 2020

    I was 49 when diagnosed. Our kids were already out of the house. Married a long time.

    After healed up and everything I can say life is different but still good in the bedroom with my husband. Lots of changes with meds post surgery and being put into instant menapause right away. But we manage just fine now.

    I was self conscious at first but he had to help me at first anyway with drains and stuff already saw me all mutilated anyway.

    It will get better. Try to be patient and just make sure he knows you love him and still want him to be by you.

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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited March 2020

    Thanks, Prepmom. I guess I could try that. I have not had reconstruction yet, so my left side is pretty flat and very ugly. I got the all clear and was scheduled to have all of my fills over the next 6 weeks with reconstruction potentially 3 months later. Hooray, we are starting the "fixing" process! Then all my appointments were cancelled because of the coronavirus :(. So I am left with this ugly, flattish, mashed up breast that is concave because of extra skin that had to be removed during surgery. It looks awful. The first fill was supposed to even it out somewhat, and I was hoping that would help the appearance a bit. Waiting for months to have the visual somewhat normal seems like an eternity. I am just hoping it won't take that long for him to overcome this "deflation" issue when looking at me :(

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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited March 2020

    Thank you for the encouragement BCinColorado. We've been married 32 years and have overcome many things. I am confident we will eventually overcome this hurdle. He was very sweet after and reminded me we had to take baby steps. I know he's right. I just want to feel normal again!

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  • Nana2-8
    Nana2-8 Member Posts: 66
    edited March 2020

    OnlyGirlof5 - I can hear the love you have for each other coming thru on your posts. Glad you reached out. As you said, you both have weathered other hurdles...and you will with this as well. As trying as this is for both of you right now, it is important that you 'keep trying', and keep talking, and keep intimate. Could you possibly be internalizing your own self-image and thus maybe 'tensing up' when you face each other? Can you, for the time being, complete without facing each other? And I second the suggestion to possibly wearing one of current (and flattering/sexy) braletts? I can verify, tho I did not have a mastectomy (and therefore cannot truly relate) my lumpectomy made for a pretty ugly scene. It surely took awhile before I felt comfortable being nude in front of him. And I was 69 then! However, I'm here to tell you....we managed that hurdle, as well. Now, I am facing mangling the opposite breast, and hope and pray we face that hurdle in the same way. Most of all....relish the love you have for one another.

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  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 5,758
    edited March 2020

    I had one side mx and chose not to "reduce and lift" my non-cancer side so I would still look like my real self. I did not want the additional surgery site but I'm actually glad I made that decision. I am extremely "lop-sided" but it is what it is. I had my mx in 2010 and finished exchange later that year after tissue expander done so we have lived with it for awhile. We are now 59 and 60 and married since 1982.

    Just remember he does love you and you love him. Being alive and together is what is important. The rest will come.

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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited March 2020

    Hello Nana2-8, I guess I didn't think of my internalization causing me to "tense-up." It felt normal but when positions changed and we found ourselves facing each other, he just deflated. Then it was the elephant in the room. He did mention before that we would need to be creative because he didn't want to hurt me. I imagine that possibility in his head must have played a big part. Because of my own self-consciousness, I just assumed it was my appearance. These past few months have been such a whirlwind. I haven't taken much time to think about how this has affected him. He has just repeatedly told me over these past few months not to worry about him, but to worry about myself. Because he has been such a rock to me through this, I failed to realize he may be scared himself. Thank you for the perspective.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited March 2020

    Be open minded. Things don’t have to improve immediately. Really, there’s no need to rush. Your sex life has a different normal than before. How you feel about yourself and your body is certainly going to affect your sex life. You are still coming to terms with how your body has changed. It has not even been half a year since your diagnosis. Much has changed for you since December. You are a warrior princess who’s been through battle. Honor yourself and what your body has recently dealt with. You are in a new phase of life so take time to adjust to things.


    I can certainly understand wearing a shirt but that can be a sexy thing. I’ve worn different shirts, lightweight jackets and romantic looking sweaters. And I never even had a mastectomy. I just prefer a little cover up sometime, it makes me feel confident.

    Do tell your husband you don’t want to reveal your scar. He will respect that and there’s no reason you need to show him. None at all. It’s your body. Practice self care. Learn to love it and allow yourself to be upset with it all at the same time. You’ve been through A LOT. I wonder if you are minimizing what you’ve been through. Take care of yourself. Your husband is a good man and you two can figure things out as you go along.
    Best wishes.
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  • Spookiesmom
    Spookiesmom Member Posts: 9,568
    edited March 2020

    There is a thread called I want my mojo back here, do a search for it. I’m sure the ladies there could help both of you.

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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited March 2020

    DivineMrsM - I think you hit the nail on the head: I am minimizing what I went through. I have always taken solace as being the person others can rely on and get things done. Everyone around me tells me how I am the strongest person they know. Internally I feel nothing of the sort. I feel beat up both emotionally and physically.

    I did have a frank talk with my husband. We both were able to be honest, and I feel that helped us get over the first bump. We both love each other very much so I am confident we will get through it.

    For now, I will take your advice and let myself process this. You are right. I have been through a LOT. I need to give my self more space.

    Thank you for the encouragement.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited March 2020

    OnlyGirl, you feel beat up both emotionally and physically because you were/are. Give yourself the gift of time to heal. Yes, put you first.

    You may feel it’s your responsibility to “get over” this “breast cancer thing”so everyone else’s life (and yours) can be “back to normal”. But some of the focus must be on you, what you went through and the changes its brought about and should not be shoved under a rug because it’s “not pretty” or “too scary” or makes others uncomfortable.

    We all need to reassess our lives from time to time to see what's working, what's not working and to make adjustments. Now would be one of those times for you. Learn to use your “no" muscle by turning down activities where others want you in charge. Allow yourself the freedom to only take on things you really love. It's like pruning your life to give it more quality and not quantity.


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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited March 2020

    You are so right, DivineMrsM. I have tried to "get over this" and get it behind me as quickly as possible. I've not allowed myself to process this because I do not want it to define me.

    It is tough to wrap my head around. I have always used humor as a way of coping with difficult situations. I figured it was better to laugh than to cry. I am coming to realize that sometimes I just need to cry, and give myself permission to get angry. I just need to find the right way to be angry and what to aim my anger at. Sometimes that gets mixed up too.

    Thank you again for your encouragement. You must have been through this before

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited March 2020

    Yes, OnlyGirl, I've minimized what's going on with myself many times and am learning to allow myself the time and space to take care of me. I was diagnosed in my early 50s, now in my early 60s with a 30+ year marriage, so we share similarities. Reliable? Omg, that was me! Strong, dependable? Me again! Miss Multi-tasker. I look back now and think, wow, I was doing too much.

    I can understand you do not want bc to define you, and it doesn't have to. I think if you give yourself time now to deal with it, you will move beyond it over time. It will always remain an episode in your life but it doesn't have to become who you are.

    Hey, laughter, crying, anger—-embrace all the emotions. All the feels, as they say. Take time to sort them all out, There's great societal pressure for women to put a big honking pretty pink smile on and say, “I'm okay!" and we're sure not supposed to feel anger. You are at a time in your life where you can challenge the way others think you should behave and be more true to yourself.

    There's also the societal pressure for women to look a certain way (perfect). Too many women (and I think men, too, we just don't hear about it often) are critical of their body image. You may have reached a point where you came to accept and love and felt comfortable in your body as a mature woman and then, bam! bc comes along altering the physical you. You are faced with new challenges you didn't expect. Over time you will adjust. You still have a really great life ahead of you.


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  • OnlyGirlof5
    OnlyGirlof5 Member Posts: 78
    edited January 2021

    Update. Thank goodness for ED meds! Not long after my last post, he went online an ordered the little blue pill. It works and is the only thing that has kept us going in the bedroom. He is embarrassed this is happening and keeps saying it's because he's
    older. Not a chance. We had ZERO problems with this prior to my surgery. The doctor agreed with me when he finally went in to see him at the end of fall. He reassured this was not only normal, but expected given the circumstances. His doctor strongly encouraged him to see a therapist to help him work through the feelings he was having. That is likely not to happen, as even going to the doctor was hard for him.

    Although the meds allow us to be intimate, it comes with the loss of spontaneity as we have to "plan." Foreplay is completely gone, and it comes across very mechanical. It's not the connection we used to have. I miss that so much! We have little to no physical contact outside of the "deed." He won't talk to me about it. He just says he needs more time. Sometimes I just feel like I am a release to him, not his lover. It is breaking my heart. Despite my own feelings of insecurity, I put on a brave face and assure him it's ok. But it's not. This is SO hard! I want my normal back, and unfortunately, I don't think this will ever happen.

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  • Guera_NM
    Guera_NM Member Posts: 17
    edited February 2021

    I completely understand and relate to you. I had a unilateral mastectomy almost 6 years ago. To this day, I have intercourse with a top on. My BC was 98% estrogen driven, so I opted for a full hysterectomy to shut down my estrogen. Ever since, sex is extremely uncomfortable and painful They say because a menopausal woman is dried up. That's not true. Vaginal tissue changes happened. I use 4% Lidocaine ointment for penetration to ease the discomfort. Estrogen gels are out of the question for me because of my ER+ BC. I was told by a sexual health expert to use sex toys to loosen up, no pun intended, she was referring to dildos. Nope! Never used one in my life (vibrators only occasionally), and would feel foolish doing that. The doctor suggested pornography, but I can only handle 5 minutes of XXX women screaming, spitting and squirting. It's geared for the male audience. So I've reached the crossroads. At 53, I need to rediscover my sexuality. It's important, but so far since BC and my hysterectomy, it's a great challenge. I need Dr. Ruth. I was not frigid before breast cancer.

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