Wife Left Me After Diagnosis of Stage 1 Breast Cancer

I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. I can tell you must still love your wife and want to support her not only financially but also emotionally. I know at the beginning of things (sounds like just diagnosed) there are so many emotions going on and worries. It is possible she is worried and cannot express how she may feel less attractive after surgeries and not the same person you married. She also must feel financially insecure right now as well and maybe money is something she feels she can control. I do not know how long you have been married or if you have children at home or not but I know both of those can also make a difference in her feelings. A support group may be of help to both of you. The local cancer center maybe able to direct you to a free group. It sounds like you both need a place to vent your feelings in a space that feels "safe" to say how scared you both must be feeling right now. Best wishes to you both and may you find your way back together.

She is probably very emotional right now. Even though she is a pharmacist and has medical knowledge that way it is very different being a cancer patient.

We had been married maybe a little longer than you were when I was diagnosed. We had already been through health crisis with my husband (also an EE) who was ill for a few years and needed a transplant. When I was diagnosed we had already faced the reality of losing someone so we saw it a hurdle to get past at that point. I know most EE people are pretty introverted and I imagine pharmacists who have stressful jobs as well may be as well. Expressing emotions may not come easily to either of you.

The fact you have a teenage daughter makes it even harder at home for both of you deal with right now. Our kids were grown with one in college and one married when I was diagnosed and going through my first surgeries.

The hormonal aspect is tremendous. With most medical issues the doctors tell you do "take this" or "do that" and with cancer there are so many decisions and it is really your choice what to do. No matter what your body is never the same. Surgery scars. Weight changes because of medications. You do not see life the same way at all.

Since you have a child at home who needs you both try to focus on your daughter who is probably terrified right now and needs both parents. Hopefully your wife can do that as well.

Sometimes stress makes us not ourselves, and sometimes stress reveals who we truly are. I would say you are learning about her through this process, though it sounds like you've had hints before.

chiming in ...DH is also an EE. And engineers breed engineers.... one of our sons is an engineer and another son works in Tech...so I've spent a lot of time around engineers and tech folks. Not going to generalize about their personalities or foibles. Can only speak from my own experience.DH and sons are very organized in their thinking. Unfortunately, life isn't that organized. So, I can understand how painful this must be for you because she isn't following the imaginary life script. Sprinkle your lives together with some major illnesses and it can make your lives together stronger or, sadly,break. I have no idea how you should be approaching this matter. With that said, I hope you and your child will get counseling. Please contact your child's school if you haven't already. As much as it is a shock to you, I am sure it is an even greater shock to your child. And, with that said, most kids are stronger than you think. Considering all of the illnesses that I have been through and so has the DH, it always surprises me that our three kids turned out ok.

final point, dear friend of mine is now with a lovely man whose former wife survived a breast cancer diagnosis twenty years ago. She also walked out on him and used their two children as bargaining chips. One daughter doesn't speak to the father. Get this...claims he wasn't there for the mother. Second daughter tries to have a relationship with the dad and always feels like she is walking on egg shells with the mother. Dear friend is also divorced. Also had lots of heartache in her marriage and sadly lost one of her three children. When I see the couple together, it makes me feel so happy. They have carved out a happylife together and her sons and one of his daughters are thrilled for them.

Sooo...think of the possibilities...you may get back together and your relationship may grow stronger. Or, a new chapter with some other happy ending may be waiting for you...

I wish you, your child and your wife well...

Neanderthal....

I was that person....I was the one that left my partner of 25 years after my diagnosis.

So here goes....knowing nothing of you and your wife, I can only tell you what happened for me.

Our relationship wasn't great, but I fought for it and fought through it. He had been telling me for two years he wasn't happy. I bent over backwards try to find the elusive thing that would make him happy, less stressed. For about 6-12 months prior to my diagnosis, he had been looking for homes in the country so "we" could get away from traffic and city life. He never asked me my opinion about it, he just started looking.

About two weeks after my diagnosis, I told him I wanted to sell the house and separate. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but I knew I couldn't fight both fights at once. I am sure he really wanted to step up and be my protector or hero or whatever, but really...If he couldn't do it when life was easy, what would possibly make me think he could sustain that mode for the 9-12 months of treatment I was going to go through. In the 25 years we were together, he never had to the grocery store - he hadn't made a meal in 20 years - didn't do a whole lot of the child rearing. He cleaned and did his own laundry, but mostly because he didn't like the way I did it. He might have managed for a couple of months to put on a happy face and not be resentful, but after that....probably not. Not only that, who was I to keep him from his "dream home" while he waited for me. He tried to back pedal when I said I was done, but it just didn't feel very safe.

Looking back on some of the stuff that happened over what turned out to be 18 months of treatment....He would have failed miserably at being supportive the whole time. I would have been resentful. It would have been a disaster.

I didn't want to talk, because he wasn't listening.

I was lucky - I managed through my treatments(s) fairly well.

Do I miss our house? - Sure. Do I miss my old life? - Sure. Do I miss him? - sure. Do I still love him? - sure. Does he love me? - I think so, but I can't speak for him. Would I do it again?....yea - probably.

We see each other now and are working on our relationship. Some days I think it's a great idea, some days I remember why we aren't together anymore.

Show up for your wife if and when she asks you to. Be there for your daughter because she needs you,

Judijo - your story is so real and summarizes how ultimately we all go through this fight alone because no one, bless their hearts, can really understand what we go through everyday. Only fellow sisters. Thank you for sharing

Dude. I think you sort of missed the point everyone's been sharing.

Regardless, best of luck to you and to your wife as she goes through this treatment.

I agree with edj3. Let's face it, your screen name is a clue of some possible obtuseness you are at least partly aware of.

Look, *she* has cancer. For the next 6-12 months she wants to hunker down to fight and heal, and not to tote you and your obtuseness around on top of the 1000 pound bag of cancer. You are DOING what you accuse her of in response to HER crisis. You who claim to be so great did not hesitate to DOUBLE her crisis and act vindictively. It is not about you, yet you made it that way. If she were a horribly selfish withdrawer, you'd have known that long before cancer, and been out of there long ago.

Sometimes the best help you can give a person is provide gentle space and sure belief, looking for cracks of light or ways to be of service.

In my experience, some perfectly decent and well meaning men despite trying to "help" are in fact *burdens,* especially in any crisis, because of their inability to intuit the needs of the other person/the situation (mild, not malignant, narcissism). Or they are too emotionally fragile inside themselves and get tense ... cannot even feign, let alone be the rock solid, back ground helper that a cancer patient needs. There is fundamental not-getting-it that is exhausting and very depressing.... to have to explain and re-explain one's needs to a person who lacks the neural pathways to hear you or even fathom it, and thus does not take in what is meant even if they are trying.

My sister was a DISASTER as a visitor.... I needed brow-cooling, food, and a lot of sleep; I needed someone to take charge in a quiet way and not be needy themselves and let me be the princess and the pea and not have to think. She wanted me to tell her everything and author everything (which was the obverse of my need). She was sooo not intuitive to my need.

My sister and I are very close and I know she loves me-- this is simply not her skill set. She has no kids. She does not know how to come and go from a sick room, softly leaving beverages and keeping track of pill times, or be in the next room reading a book. She wanted to be told so that she could do it and she did not understand how hard it was for me to think, plan the menu, etc.

That does not mean she does not love me, but it means I did better without her caring for me. Perhaps this is how your wife feels.

Neanderthal -

You missed the point of my story entirely - I suspect she isn't talking because your aren't listening. I suspect you haven't listened for a while.

From your responses, it sounds like she may be making a good choice. Maybe not forever, but at least for now.

Right now - your attitude seems to indicate that you wouldn't / couldn't be supportive. Indications from your posts are that you would fail miserably and she would have to deal with disappointment as well as the disease. There is a treatment plan for the disease, but there's nothing that's going to cure the disappointment.

Lest you think that once treatment is done things go back to the way they were before, it's not over when the treatment is over. The fear is there...The fear if will it come back and she will leave her child too early, before she is ready. Every mammogram or 6 month check up it's low grade anxiety for the week leading up to it. Every time you have a new ache or pain, it's wondering if this is a symptom of a reoccurance. Even when it's good news, it's doesn't feel that way for a long time. It lurks in the back of your mind.....like a phantom.

It's not her job to make sure you feel good about yourself and how you are handling this. it's not her job to massage your ego. If you want to handle it well - if you want to be supportive, then do so. The ladies have told you how. You just can't hear it....get it....DO YOU HEAR US NOW?

PS: you seemed awfully concerned with how she spends income over and above the household bills. What's that all about?

me thinks we’re being trolled....

Yep trolled.

No one has attacked you. Not a single poster.

Again, best of luck to your wife should she ever stumble across this forum--I hope her treatment plan goes well and she has the best possible outcome.