Never having a family.

WC3,

Vent away! Cancer sucks for everyone, but it really did a number on you. For that, I am truly sorry. I know you said you didn't want to adopt, but have you ever thought of becoming a foster parent? Sometimes that leads to adoption; sometimes it doesn't. But, I know that in my state (OK), we have a shortage of foster homes, especially since the opioid epidemic got under way. ((Hugs)) to you. I wish you the best.

WC, I can relate to your situation. I became infertile with my first cancer dx and treatment in my late 20's. It was the most devastating loss in my life and it took a long time to finally complete the grieving process. I decided to become a very involved aunt w my nieces and nephews and this was rewarding when they were small but it is even more rewarding now they are adults w their own families and I am treated like an extra grandma. They also often come to me to discuss things they don't want to worry their parents with. I also was very devoted to my profession and had the luxury of developing a very lucrative business that would have been impossible with children (certainly not a trade I would have made otherwise). I have a stepson I adore and only wish I had met his dad while son was still a child. Ultimately, I grieved and decided to be happy and grateful for the children in my life. As lousy as it was to go through, I knew there would little else that would ever be that painful.....and at 68, it's still at the top of the list but does not haunt me. I don’t feel “unfulfilled” and friends who have adult children with “challenges” (drugs, alcohol, still at home @40 etc) have envied my situation.

I am so, so sorry for your situation. Take good care of yourself and know that you will get through this.

I feel like I could have written your post myself. I was just diagnosed, a couple of weeks before I turned 42. I had been thinking that maybe I would have a last-minute baby miracle but cancer has dashed any such hopes. Like you, I've missed out on the husband, the house, the kids, the career. Most people don't know the right things to say to you. It must be too hard to sit with you in your pain. Just know that there are other women out here like you, and we do get it.

Hugs to you.

Vent away! There are a lot of us in this boat. When I was first diagnosed, I went through fertility preservation and harvested a ridiculous number of eggs. Fast forward a few years, I received a stage iv diagnosis. At that point, I made the extremely difficult decision to have them destroyed. It was not a decision I made lightly or one that was easy. It was a serious punch in the gut. I’ve always wanted a family of my own, but now, that dream is just one more thing cancer stole from me. Know that you are not alkne

w...please feel free to vent...your brutal honesty could have knocked me over with a feather. You have me thinking about a Pedro Almodovar film that I recently rewatched, All About My Mother. I had seen it years ago but decided to see it again having watched his most recent film, Pain and Glory. After watching Pain and Glory, I viewed a Special Features interview with him. During the interview he touched on All About My Mother. He spoke about his homosexuality and how he knew at a young age he would never have children. He then decided to try to understand motherhood. One of the bridging topics of both films has to do with the complex nature of motherhood. In Pain and Glory, we get a glimpse of the painful relationship Almodovar had with his own mother. Soooo....where am I going with all of this....what Almodovar discovered is motherhood was not about being a mother. It was about mothering. Similar to what the philosopher Erich Fromm wrote about in his book, The Art of Loving, Love, he said shouldn't be described as a noun. It should be a verb, to love. Love, he believed required action. This philosophy is what Almodovar uses in his films. He shows us all the different ways mothering occurs. I am the mother to three children, but I have two extended family members that I mother. So I mother five individuals. It's a lot of work. Taking that to the next level, one might say that the family should also be perceived as a verb. It requires work too. A lot. Which brings me to....what is a mother and a family? I guess Fromm and Almovodar would say it is things that we cobble together and work on. Thinking back to the community where I grew up, there were many Holocaust survivors. Having lost many loved ones, so many of the survivors had to cobble together new families. They had survived and needed to learn how to thrive. So much work....

so you too have lost so much, but like others before you, you have so much work ahead....perhaps you need to redefine the definitions of mother and family. And then, realizing they are verbs, you can take action...you never know where, then, you can go....

i do wish you peace and strength on your journey...