Worried about future

That is tough.... I have also felt robbed at times. I am a little older than you (37 now) was 35 when I had my DCIS/bilateral mastectomy and it was hard, I feel like my prime was cut short and I got catapulted into middle age. In the fall I started taking some classes and I am definitely one of the older students in the program but not the oldest. Seeing kids born in 1996, 1999 with their whole adult lives head of them and thinking they are going to have a nice long career in this field, it feels like they still have a future and I don't. Most meaningful things in life do take a bit of time, I wish I got started sooner. With recurrence scares I keep thinking my life will be cut short. I wish I had moved a bit faster. It's hard to plan or think of a course of action if you now have no concept of how much time you have left. Prior to all of this I never expected a long life but I felt like assuming I'd make it to 60 was a safe assumption. Not so sure now.

It is particularly alienating when other people your age are accomplishing things and hitting milestones like marriage, buying a house, having kids, and you are dealing with your treatment. I've had a hard time lately comparing myself to others, to the majority of people I know or see around that haven't had any major healthy issues and are running around enjoying life, oblivious. Most of your peers won't have a frame of reference for it, other than their moms or someone else's mom. Stage III does sound serious or daunting, at least compared to 0, 1, and 2. People will tell you to take it one day at a time or not to worry, but it's hard. I haven't figured that one out yet. Friends of mine said they stay away from googling things, I can't resist. I deal with problems by throwing myself at them and it's hard to distract myself when something is hanging over my head. Some people (who have never had anything happen to them) try to tell me that everything has a silver lining, haven't found it yet for breast cancer. But maybe the upside is when we are middle age, parents are dying and at the age when most people first face their mortality or know they are in the autumn/winter of their lives, we will be like "eh, whatever... I already dealt with all that and thought about death a ton in my 30s! no time for that now"

I think having a sense of humor about all of this also helps. But I have no idea how you get one. I've become more dead serious since all of this. One of my friends in Stage II treatment at the moment does find absurdity and laugh about some of this, I can appreciate hearing her chuckle when she tells me things but I don't have it in me to be like that at the moment. Hang in there.

It is so hard to go through experiences so out of step with your peers, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this so young.

For me, it wasn't so much breast cancer but other prior experiences that gave me feelings that I think I can empathize with yours. I go through a stable of different coping mechanisms/things I tell myself. Sometimes one thing helps, sometimes another.

I definitely recommend taking advantage of any mental health support you have available. A therapist who can give you a place to check in with and vent your feelings can make a big difference. If you're in a large enough city, I bet you can find a therapist with some focus on young people dealing with chronic/serious illness, who could bring some really good experience to helping you and maybe also help you find some community or feel less different.

For what it's worth, I'll say that feelings really do come and go. I had a (good) therapist once share with me that actually people are really bad at predicting how we'll feel in the future, and that a lot of unnecessary pain comes from making unhelpful and inaccurate predictions. I think it's really important to honor all your feelings in the moment, however negative, and also try not to project your current feelings forward.

Sending hugs.