Not Feeling “Blessed”

Divine, I am thinking about you. Many of us have gone through waves (or perhaps remain in waves or permanent states of not feeling so “blessed"). Honestly, I am always suspect of anyone who so conspicuously flaunts how fabulous is their life/family/relationship/job/social life, etc. If it were indeed fabulous, they would likely be out enjoying it rather than trying to paint the perfect yet phony picture of their lives on social media. Many people seek to establish the life they want in Facebook and other sites which is very different than the life they have! Why would anyone post on Facebook how great their husband is when they could walk over to the next room and say it to his face?? Weird. It is all a big scam!

Are you on Medicare now? If so, it’s open enrollment time till Dec 7. Check into the Advantage HMO plans. You may be pleasantly surprised. I’ve had it for the past 6 years. 0$ copay for PCP, $10 for specialist. My lymph node surgery in April that kicked me into stage 4 was $50. And no outrageous monthly premium out of pocket Forget about worrying about plan F or Dfor whatever it’s included

I’m currently on ibrance/letrozole. My co pay on it would be over $600 a month, my insurance picks up the rest. My MOs office got my patient assistance from the drug mfg. It’s NOT income related. I pay nothing for it.

Yes it’s a HMO, and I do have to deal with referrals. I’ve been happy with everything about them all through this cancer trip. They only thing they have denied was a sleeve and glove for the LE.

Divine, you didn’t do anything wrong. I doubt the universe cares. But people care.

Here is my snarky (unspoken) response to that person who says, “I’m so blessed!” How nice for you. I’m so cursed. Obviously God loves you more.

I think sometimes “I’m so blessed” is just a sanctified way of bragging about all the great things that person does, and all the great opportunities they have because they are so amazing, etc. Whoa, cynical, I know.

I hear you. Financial toxicity. Physical toxicity. Loss upon loss. So when yet another misfortune befalls my family, we say, oh of course that happened to us, because we’re cursed. Perhaps we will get T-shirts that say so.

Actually the blessed/cursed thing just points out how odd it is to look for a reason in all this.

Don’t think I am constantly in a state of anger. In one hand I hold my rage at the unfairness and the grief over the losses past, present, and future. In the other I hold my moments of happiness, beauty, and love, and a recognition of the good things in my life. Yes, a person can hold all these things at the same time. I had to explain this to some support group people today when they tried to cut me off from sharing my true feelings and make me only grateful and positive.

Oh Divine, I'm so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. Sending a big gentle hug for you and a shoulder to lean on.

Most people don't realize that dirty little secret of Medicare for the under-65 set, and I was just talking about it on another thread. Federal law does not require companies to sell Medigap to people under 65. Some states require that "at least one policy" be sold but it doesn't appear that it has to be Plan G, which is the one that covers the outrageous co-pays for my IV chemo every 3 weeks. And even in states that do require companies to sell a policy to people under 65, they are allowed to charge whatever they want (it's a given that our medical expenses are going to be outrageous), and they can make you wait 6 months before benefits kick in (the look-back period). I won't collect the SSDI benefits I'm entitled to after paying into the system my entire life even though I could really use it since I'm no longer working because I refuse to be forced onto Medicare. It would bankrupt us faster than my over-priced private insurance will. At least with my private insurance, once I reach the Out-Of-Pocket Max in March/April (with help from the mfg's co-pay assistance program), I have no co-pays for the rest of the year and can breathe a little easier.

Those of us who are under 65 are in a no-win situation with Medicare. There are no easy answers.

I think the "I'm so blessed" crowd is really struggling with insecurity and seeking validation and that's why they are constantly seeking attention. I post about gratitude once in a while, but only to remind myself that there are still good things in my life and it doesn't all suck, and I would never say I am blessed! I really don't understand the mindset of having to share every moment of one's life as it happens, I'd rather enjoy the moment and focus my attention on the people I'm with, not strangers on the internet. When someone needs constant validation from strangers on the internet about how great their life is, I think they must be very lonely and insecure. But maybe I just don't understand the younger generation.

Divine Mrs. M. - I always look for your posts and have been so encouraged by them for the past years. I’m so sorry that you have gone through such a difficult year. I agree with Pajim that progression changes can be so difficult and you’ve had a double blow recently. I remember when I first went on a Medicare drug plan and saw the copayments for targeted therapies. I felt shocked and sick. Incredulous actually. I had those momentary thoughts wondering if it was worth it. And the answer is YES! You are worth it.

I know you said you do not qualify for any patient assistance programs. If you haven’t already, please call the Verzenio help line directly. When I was taking Verzenio, I thought I did not qualify either based on income and information I read on their website. The representative told me that they have a completely different guideline for oncology drugs and he helped me connect. It did not appear anywhere that I could seeon their website. I ended up receiving my Verzenio at no charge directly from Lily. I hope they can assist you.

Mrs Divine - Thank you for authenticity and not being afraid to share your truths! I have always loved your shares and posts from day one. You were one of the first people to respond to me when I found bco and you helped me calm my mind in so many ways. So thank you for this.

I also getting annoyed by the woowoo crystal magic new age overusage of “words of positivity.” So much of the time, it is coming from a person who is trying to convince themselves that everything is good and okay. But instead of digging deeply into their pain, they are using an overly-used coverup to conceal the sorrows which are part of being a human being.

I once had a wonderful therapist who would talk with me about the Buddhist idea of “idiot compassion.”

To be a spiritual warrior, one must have a broken heart; without a broken heart and the sense of tenderness and vulnerability that is in one's self and all others, your warriorship is untrustworthy. -- Chögyam Trungpa

A good article on this topic that you may or may not appreciate (and where I stole the abov quote from): https://charterforcompassion.org/spirituality/idiot-compassion-and-the-power-of-sorrow

Dorimak- If you are switching to Medicare, you may want to recheck the info you were given. All of my oral targeted therapies (Ibrance, Verzenio, etc) fall under my Part D drug plan. And as Divine says, we still owe the copays (although there are several patient assistant programs that can help, even retroactively).

The only oral med that I’m aware of that falls under Part B is xeloda , which is oral chemotherapy It has something to do with the fact that they could give the drug via IV in a hospital. That’s how they were covered whenever i was on them, so i think the info they gave you isn’t accurate. Just thinking trying to prevent any kind of surprise. Good luck.

Dorimak - I used two patien assistant foundations for co-pays and they only considered income, not savings.

DivineMrsM, you may not be feeling "blessed" but some people would kill to have a husband like yours. I can understand your concerns about trash bag women.

I'm really glad you're feeling better. We go back a long way here on BCO and I've always appreciated your posts. Regarding Medicare and insurance issues: what craziness! Combine that with the crappiness of BC, no wonder people get depressed.

Hope Thanksgiving will be a pleasant distraction for all.

Nkb, that's not a terrible idea! You can reduce your adjusted gross income in a few different ways. This post https://www.thebalance.com/tax-planning-basics-3193487 says:

"As of 2019, adjustments to income include but aren't limited to:

• Contributions you made to a traditional IRA
• Student loan interest paid
• Alimony paid—at least through 2018
• Classroom-related expenses paid by educators
• Some business expenses paid by performing artists, certain government officials, and reservists
• Contributions to health savings accounts
• Moving expenses for certain members of the Armed Forces
• A portion of the self-employment tax, as well as self-employed health insurance"

For 2019 the max to contribute to a traditional IRA is $7,000 if you are over 50. Here is the IRS post on the limits.

https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/traditional-and-roth-iras

Something to consider, anyway.

one other (morning coffee) thought about “not feeling blessed...”

I have learned from years of therapy and inner soul searching that it is OK to feel multiple emotions at the same time. It is normal to feel both angry and sadness together. Sadness and happiness together...gratitude and envy...not being blessed and this is one helluva f-ed up way to live while at the same I should be grateful for life and what I have.

It can feel incredibly conflicting to feel these emotions at the same time or within a close range of time from one another. Like, maybe we aren’t being true to the one most overpowering feeling, or giving that feeling less validation, or doubting its worth and truth, by having other emotions arriving at the same time.

But it is all so normal and totally okay.

Mrs Divine I am not sure if this is part of why you wrote your original post - but I think about these kinds of things a lot.

I love the practice of mindful meditation/awareness when it comes to these kinds of things...that I can say to myself: I am aware that I am feeling angry right now...or...I am aware that I want to both laugh and cry...or...I am aware of a deep grief due to my medical diagnosis and at the same time aware that I feel a sense that I should be feeling more grateful and happy, even though I am unaware of those feelings of gratitude at this time.

This awareness practice helps me to take a few steps back from the reaction/reactivity mode of emotions, yet give each and every one of them the respect and validation they deserve. All these feelings are totally valid!

Easier said than done of course...I write this not to explain to everyone else but as a reminder for myself!

Love,

Philly

This is an interesting and honest discussion. Divine M, I especially liked your comments about coexisting but contrasting feelings and thoughts. To me that seems normal. All one way seems unusual. Most of the time I am "glass half full" and grateful. Sometimes, though, I am weary--just so tired,and think that if I were to ever start crying, I might not be able to stop.