People trying to help is going to drive me nuts. Can you relate?

Dixie02: You are being smothered with care and concern and for an independent introvert, this must be so uncomfortable. But this time it is about you and what you need. A simple line like, “Thank you so much for your concern and kindness, I may decline the offer right now, but will be certain to let you know how you can help in the future.” Depending on how things go, you may welcome a cleaning crew in the future and then you can ask. And don’t worry about the state of your house! They are not there to judge you. Let them clean your bathroom and they will likely love your dogs. Now is time to stop worrying about others and communicate clearly your needs. Saying no is not rude. Allowing others to decide your needs for you and then you resenting them, that is rude. Take care of yourself and be proud to do so.

I hate to give a predictable answer, but I had absolutely no help. I had to take a taxi from the hospital. I completely understand your feelings. But it was hard being "independent" too. I think the best thing to do is to be proactive and give people things to do that you DO want, specifically, and otherwise just say "no thanks." It won't come off as rude as you are thinking. Humor helps too as in "No thanks, I would have to clean for the cleaning people."

Hi!

I did chemo, surgery, radiation, and a year of targeted therapy. A friend of mine set up a "Lots-a-Helping Hands" page for me. She posted requests for things I REALLY NEEDED, not things other people thought I needed. Some of these errands were real life-savers, like the people who volunteered to pick up my daughter from games and sports practices. Some people brought me dinner on Wednesdays, which was my chemo day and a day when my husband worked late. I will be eternally grateful to this friend, but remember, she posted what was most important to me.

It's nice that people are trying to help out, and yes, it's hard to swallow that pride and accept help from others. You might make of list of things that really would be helpful to you. I had my house cleaned weekly while I got chemo, and I don't regret it, even though my house is a dump. (I mean that -- I have twins with autism and they've done a number on our furniture, walls, and have even broken a few windows.) If you can't think of anything helpful, just smile and say, "No, thank you."

Dixie02, I was so low-key and humorous about telling people (I did a one-time FB announcement the night before surgery), that I didn't really get any offers of help. Be careful what you wish for! When I had to have a nastier surgery a few months later, I got one offer. By then people thought I was Superwoman, I guess. Or I need better relatives and friends. 😁

I had a few people at my work who seemed a little insistent about suggesting they would do things for me that I thought I had made clear I did not need. Sometimes you feel like you've tried to politely decline the offers, and the people just aren't getting it. If you have a closer friend at work that you can be completely honest with, and you don't want to continue to politely decline because it isn't working, tell that friend to send the message. That's what I did. I did not want people I worked with showing up at the hospital during or after my surgery, and I also did not want people coming to my house. Then my husband would have had to be polite and nice to MY work colleagues. That wasn't fair to him. They are nice people, and he likes them, but it would have been an extra strain in an already stressful time.

Food is very helpful. The women I worked with ordered frozen meals from a local business that makes wonderful food, and had those delivered. We could cook and eat them when we liked. It was perfect. (Of course- right? -because it is what my husband and I actually wanted and needed). It gave them the knowledge and good feeling of having helped, and gave me the peace of mind that they wouldn't be showing up and seeing me, and my house, not at its best.

If there's one time that you can be rude, it's now. Play that cancer card as much as you need to, do not worry about being rude, just say, Nope.

It would probably help to have 1 friend or family member run interference for you (like with a helping hands page etc) and then you can just refer people to it but if you don't want even that, it's ok to just say No. And IF they don't accept your No, then move on to channeling your inner Helen Mirren

don't let anyone tell you how to live your life, how to act through your treatment and what to do --- which means you can also joyfully ignore all of us here as well

& hang in there. It gets easier. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hi Dixie,

I totally understand! I was recently DX and this is one of the many things I am struggling with so bad . I still haven’t told most of the family I am supposed to tell yet and it’s in part due to things like this that I know will happen. I’m such a private person. I guess what I’m really realizing is that I am really having a hard time accepting my DX 😢.

I wish I had some good advice for you . I know most people are so well meaning and really want to help and care so much but everyone is different on how they receive and want help. I also know dropping polite hints almost never works when people are determined. I’ll let you know if I think of some good ideas and will be paying attention to this thread for ideas (already see quite a few good ones I’m pondering). Thanks for posting and sending healing hugs 🤗 your way ❤️

I hear you Dixie In thinking about people visiting me at the hospital and/or home freaks me out . For me one of the scary things is I do know I’ll need some help but I don’t know what that would be yet . If i let certain people help that want to help I know it will make it all the more stressful and hard . A lot of my family can’t stop talking about other people’s stories about illness (and everything else) and even before my cancer has given my extreme anxiety. Also they love to give advice!I only want certain people seeing in such vulnerable state .thats just the way I am

When a dear friend was dealing with her (not-breast) cancer, occasionally I would text and ask if she'd like some of what I was making anyway. "I'm making pulled pork. Would your family be able to use some of that this weekend?" or "I made a quick bread. Can I bring you half?" She was good about saying "no!" But now and then she said "yes," and I knew that she meant it. The last time I saw her (the very last time) she asked me to bring her strawberry ice cream. I hope she enjoyed every spoonful.

I totally get what you're saying as I'm the same way. Super introvert. I have struggled mentally since my diagnosis and I don't really want to be around people or go anywhere. Lots of people have offered help, I just told them thanks, I'd let them know if anything comes up. And so far nothing has.

I have a husband and 2 teenage daughters at home, so I'm hoping not to have to ask for help with anything, that's just who I am. I did ask pretty much my only close friend to come to my wig fitting appointment with me and I'm glad I did. But I haven't seen my work friends since the middle of August. They message me every few days to see how I'm doing but I've told them I don't want to see people yet and they've accepted that. I don't want them to see me sick and an emotional basketcase. I even had one lady I used to work with phone and leave me a message about she'd like to bring me a coffee, or come play cards with me during chemo. Um, no thank you. She was the office bully and gossip and I didn't like her when we worked together, I'm sure not going to become buddies with her now.

People are usually just trying to be helpful, but it's only helpful if it's something you need/want.

Oh yeah, TRUTH, about "playing the cancer card." I mean, good lord,you've got CANCER. If you wanna use it as an excuse for everything from getting out of chores, to getting deferrals on your credit card payments..go for it. I found it was the one silver lining in a dark, dark cloud.

The best thing I got out of it was benefits from an organization we have here called "Unite for Her." I got a membership with a farm CSA..free massages..free gym membership..it was awesome. I was also able to do free personal training through Lance Armstrong's Livestrong program, which came w a 3-mo YMCA membership. They also gave me a discount on a monthly membership afterwards.

Might as well look up every free thing you can..I even was able to get help paying off utilities through a local charity, which helped while I was recovering from my surgery.

Here’s a slightly different twist on it. DH had been fairly good about taking care of me and the house. DD is a teacher with two young kids and busy. I asked both several times to give Spookie a bath. I didn’t have the energy and they both put me off. She really needed one.

So I took her to groomer. And fell in love with her foster moyen poodle. Two days later, he was ours. He’s daddy’s boy now, but if he’d given her the bath like I asked..........

Be careful what you ask for.

Dixie- I'm totally in line with how you feel. I don't even think its pride. It's the feeling of being under a microscope. I hate sympathy and TLC. I know it sounds weird to some, but it makes me squirm. I don't want a hug and I don't want to see someone else's tears. I want a glass of wine and a bs session on the porch that has NOTHING to do with cancer. Make me laugh and tell me to put on my big girl pants if I'm down too long. That's how some of us thrive.

I kept telling my family no thank you to offers of food and help and visits. At one point my father called my husband and said - You cant say no. I was so mad... at any rate, I found a wingman. My sister took over. Laid the ground rules, became my communicator. She was my rock. That may not work at work, but if you had a work friend who could do that for you... that might be nice too.

Hi Dixie,

You may or may not need help. The only time I had help was for my surgery as it was in another city and I needed to be taken home. During chemo (and prior treatment for an infection), I drove myself to every appointment. Same with radiation, even though I had to travel daily by ferry for 6 weeks. During this time, I was able to take care of my two special needs pets (one of whom needed sub-Q fluids twice a day) and myself.

It was a tough time for sure, but I'm a private person and independent to a fault. Maybe it's not the best or easiest way to be, but it's who I am. I also seem to be emotionally stronger when I'm alone and don't have to worry about others being upset. Maybe I'm weird (okay I know I'm weird!)

Wishing you the best, however you handle things.

Lou

P.S. Forgot to answer your original question. When people offered, I thanked them kindly and said I prefer to do things myself when I'm able; if I'm not able, I'll let them know. Or something to that effect.

Love TB90's response.