Is anyone else an atheist with BC besides me?

So after all the angst over the last week since my biopsy, I went in to see my onco and they still don't have the results. At least she will call me when she gets them and not make me come in again. So the waiting game continues. Sigh. 

Lauren I am so sorry. I agree, be aggressive. Think about adding complimentary therapies that have good stats behind them too.

(((hugs)))

Thanks everybody. A day full of suckage to be sure, but tomorrow I gotta get back to it and enjoy my last few weeks of non-drugged normalcy. 

Ugh. 

It's been 7 years since I've been in the cancer/healthcare whirlwind. It's coming back to me how stressful it is to wait for appointments, treatment, surgery, etc. I feel like I can feel it growing and spreading. The Dr. ordered a stat PET scan and the nurse said if I don't hear from scheduling by Friday to call them back. I should have the SCAN by Friday, not make the appointment. I can't have the surgery until the PET is done or start treatment, so I'm really quite annoyed at this point. 

I know it's par for the course, but I already waited 3 weeks for the biopsy, knowing it was probably cancer, and now to wait at least another two... I'm probably overreacting and they'll call today to schedule, but that email just really set me off. I think maybe some of the shock of yesterday is wearing off and reality is setting in today...not sure I like it. I won't wait for Friday, that's for damn sure. If I don't hear by tomorrow noon, someone is getting a call. I hate to be 'that' patient, but I will do what I need to do. 

There will be plenty of things to get worked up over between now and my last day, so best to learn how to handle it now or be in a perpetual state of annoyance. I have to keep repeating, "It is what it is...move on," to myself over and over. 

I hope it's okay to talk about the cancer in this thread. I don't really see it mentioned all that much (that's good!) but I don't really feel all that comfortable in the other threads. It's only been a day, so it's top of mind at the moment. 

Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it's not so much a medical experience as a fear journey. We have to be each other's support and companions for that journey, because we never know which one of us will be front and center next.

Thanks everybody.

Yes, Lisa, I am very, very anxious to get going. This beast is just growing at will right now and it's making me crazy. Fear journey is a great way to describe it, Alice. 

It still doesn't feel 100% real, like maybe someone made a mistake, but I know that's not true. I handled my Stage III a helluva lot better than I'm handling IV. Apples and oranges, I know, but I also have more to lose now that I did then. I've never been happier than I've been in the last few years. The first time I met my oncologist, last September, I started crying saying I knew it was going to come back because I was so happy. I don't think that's why, of course, what I meant was I'm more afraid now than ever that it will come back. And here it is. 

I don't have the 'death isn't an option' fighting spirit I need to do the best I can for my mind and body. I'm still in denial and resisting it, I guess, but fried chicken and hot fudge ain't gonna cut it. I have to say yes to this fight instead of struggling against it (like I so cavalierly advised others on this board to do before I knew for sure.) I'm just hoping the still yet to be scheduled PET scan doesn't bring reality crashing down around my ears in a 'you lit up like a Christmas tree' kind of way. 

I'm rambling. Don't feel obligated to comment - I know you're listening and supporting. Thank you. 

I should go watch some impeachment news to cheer me up. I want to live long enough to see that mf'er die in jail. 

Thanks, Pooh - I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. How horrible, I can't imagine. 

Thanks Wanderweg - I'm doing better today. I was able to focus on work, so that's good. 

I woke up to a text from my sister's sister-in-law telling me she and her whole family are praying for me. She is the nicest, most sincere, genuine person, so I took it in the spirit in which it was given and promptly burst into tears. My sister lost her husband about 4.5 years ago, I'm the only real family she has left. I don't want to leave her, she's already lost so much. It is a comfort that her in-laws are keeping her close, but it's not the same. So aside from starting out the day a crying mess... 

I still don't have the PET scan scheduled - apparently not approved yet. I will call the onc tomorrow and see if she can call and get this thing moving.  I haven't heard if the Faslodex shot I'm supposed to get on Monday has been approved yet either. I'm only dying here, so you know, no fucking rush. Maddening. And depressing. And scary.

Anyway, I am semi-enjoying the impeachment circus, but I feel like the slimy scuzball will get away with all of it including 2020. Just a mood, I hope. 

Lauren have a look at Proton Radiation. It has way less "wash" onto tissues you do not want radiated. The beams do not pass through the body but stop and release their energy right into the tumor. They do it for head& neck and other tricky/ inoperable tumors. I did proton rads because of a left sided BC I was worried about my heart. It is not as known-about but the evidence on it is very good. I loved my center, and they worked with the price to make sure I could afford it and they also took on the "fight w insurance" - limiting my responsibility to my max out of pocket under my plan which I knew I'd hit anyway....

My brother went to Loma Linda, CA to have proton radiation for prostate cancer. That was one of the original locations. He swears by it but the treatment isn't available everywhere. Mayo, MD Anderson, and more coming.

And so the theocracy era begins. https://www.vox.com/2019/9/26/20873873/supreme-court-gut-roe-v-wade-next-week-abortion

I have written and deleted at least three expletive-filled, brutally honest and opinionated posts, sure to offend 80% of the US population (#sorrynotsorry). I'd love to let 'er rip, but I'm not sure how that would fly with the mods. Are f-bombs allowed? Is the term "imaginary sky daddy" allowed? Is "dead carpenter cult leader" allowed? I'm new so I'm not sure how angry we're allowed to get in this thread. Suffice it to say I'm beside myself right now and I'm holding out zero hope for the courts mentioned to do the right thing. 

At least it's a diversion from my own situation but I'm sad for the country. 

Carry on. 

Well, Lauren, let's test it: The rapidly escalating trend toward a theocracy/oligarchy in this country is fucked up.

There - we'll see if it flies.

Abortion is wrong because only women can have one. One cannot be forced against one's will to give blood even to save a life. One cannot be forced to give up a kidney even if a child may die. There are laws preventing the harvesting of organs from the dead unless the person gave permission prior to death. When it comes to bodily autonomy, women have less rights that the dead.

Yes and yes. We're more than incubators, thank you very much.