I wish I knew how long...

Dishsoap,

We're so very sorry for all that you are all going through. The transition can be such a bittersweet time. We're sure she is grateful for all you're doing for her to prepare, and that you're right there with her. We know it's not easy for anyone involved and we're sending wishes for a peaceful passing when she's ready.

Big hugs to you,

--The Mods

Dishoap, here is my wife's current condition which seem similar to your mothers. Aside from the brain mets my wife has bone mets only. My wife's Oncologist has not even mentioned hospice to my wife, perhaps because her chemo, eribulin (Halavin), has worked so well for her. From what I've read her tiredness and mental disorientation will pass after a few months.

After 4 violent seizures, brain surgery to remove the cancerous part of her dura then 11 days of WBR she's a mental and physical mess. She has very little short term memory and acts, in many ways, like a small child. Also, she's totally exhausted. She seems to be locked into doing obsessive compulsive things such as going to the bathroom every 5 minutes or suddenly wandering around the house pushing her walker muttering to herself looking for something. From what I've read they say this will all pass, It's been a while and I see no improvement. I'm worn out and very disheartened.

The Radiologist was quite frank with us; with radiation only she would just have month's to live. However, with a chemo that works and holds the bone mets in check who knows how long. Radiologist said with brain mets the patient would slip into a coma; either a chemical induced or one would occur naturally. Basically the brain tells the body what to do, to breath, etc. The brain would cease to function with the body and the patient would die peacefully in their sleep. I'm not sure what happens with liver mets though.

God be with you that you get through this. Remember your father will be very lonely. Not so much after the funeral but later when everything begins to settle down. I often see older men sitting alone in a restaurant nursing a cup of coffee along and not wanting to go back to a dark and lonely home.

Have your Dad get an antique car to restore, something fun. Or suggest some hobby he's shown a past interest in. You don't want him, night after night, sitting alone on the sofa watching TV.

Oh Dishsoap, I just found and read yourthread through. I am very sorry and sad at this news. Sincere condolences to you and your family.

Sending you strength and love. X

Sending love to you and your family.

Dear Dishsoap,

We are so very sorry for the loss of your mom. Thank you for sharing a little bit of her story and yours with our community. It seems that you still will have a full plate as you grieve for your mom and worry about your dad in the weeks to come. We hope that you will find support in the love and care of family and friends. We are thinking of you.

The Mods

Mike,

I know by your posts in recent days that you are in a rough place right now. I think on this site we so often focus on how the patient is doing, that we forget to check up on how the caregiver is doing.

I have been both a patient and a caregiver. My sister and I cared for our bedridden mother for eight months before she died. I think in so many ways it's tougher to be the one to care for someone you love so much. I tell people it was the most horrible and the most wonderful thing I've ever had to do.

I've been where you are now. The one piece of advice I would give you is to take some time away, just for you. Pay attention to you, and how you're doing. You matter, too.

I can't do much for you, Mike, except to send love and support for what you're doing. As hard as it is, somewhere inside she knows what you're doing for her. And even more importantly, you know. When that time comes, and you are alone, that knowledge will comfort and sustain you.

Be well, Mike.

Trish