Open Letter to Proctor & Gambol:

AN OPEN LETTER TO
>>> MR. JAMES THATCHER,
>>> BRAND MANAGER,
>>> PROCTER & GAMBLE.
>>>
>>> February 6, 2007
>>>
>>> Dear Mr. Thatcher,
>>>
>>> I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20
years, and
>>> I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or
>>> Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa
>>> dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach
>>> in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
>>> revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough
>>> to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell
>>> you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16
>>> in my pants.
>>>
>>> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from
>>> "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the
month" is
>>> starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
>>> violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body
>>> will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call
>>> "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing?
>>>
>>> As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no
doubt seen
>>> quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers'
>>> monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
>>> bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood
>>> swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize
>>> it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend
>>> Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into
>>> a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
>>> Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir,
you of
>>> all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal
>>> maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my
letter.
>>>
>>> Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach
>>> inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and
>>> there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a
Happy
>>> Period."
>>>
>>> Are you ^%$#@$%%# kidding me?
>>>
>>> What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain
really
>>> think happiness*actual smiling, laughing happiness*is possible
during a
>>> menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
>>> pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of
sick
>>> S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day
in
>>> which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahl a and lock
>>> yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
>>> Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life
>>> in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out,
man. If
>>> you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make
>>> more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put
Down
>>> the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just
>>> picking on us?
>>>
>>> Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
>>> immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have
>>> chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
>>> certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your
>>> brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
>>> Always.
>>>
>>> Best,
>>>
>>> Wendi Aarons
>>> Austin, TX





>>> Thought you might appreciate this; from McSweeney's Open Letters
(to
>>> people or things not likely to respond--the whole site is a
scream, if
>>> you have a lot of time on your
>>> hands-- http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/