Already forgetting I had cancer...

DD, I can't relate, but everyone reacts differently. I come to the boards often after almost 6 yrs and I think that reminds me that it did happen to me and it very well could again. I kind of tend to brush off statistics. Maybe you could reach out to others with your experience, in a supporting way and that will get you going in the direction you want to go. I can see where you feel like you "should have" had a "wake up call", but bc you didn't, does not mean it didn't effect you.

Take care~

Hey dd1973,

I had bad side effects from the tamoxifen, so it didn't let me forget about it. But I relate in other ways.

I didn't really do lifestyle or diet changes. I had a moderately healthy lifestyle before cancer and I still do after. Cancer doesn't have to be a 'life lesson', it can just be an unlucky thing that happens, that we have to deal with it, and keep living the way that suits us. It could be worse next time, there could be no next time, something totally different bad could happen, it could be related to diet/lifestyle in a predictable way or in an unpredictable way (I bicycle commute - if I got seriously injured by a car, that would be the fault of what is in many other ways a healthy lifestyle choice).

I don't think we have any obligation to carry the cancer as some kind of talisman. It works for some people, but that doesn't mean it's for everybody. I think it's great that you're able to just live your life. If getting more exercise or a better diet is something that is important to you, some other way of motivation may work better for you, maybe something that isn't coming from fear of mortality, you know?

People interpret danger or scary stuff or odds of something icky happening differently. Consider yourself lucky that you felt it was easy. I also had it fairly "easy" but I have not forgotten nor do I think I am out of danger or any of the things you feel. Some of us are worriers and others not...again, consider yourself fortunate. That's not a small thing.

Where I took really good care of my body before cancer, I felt all of the "science based" things I was doing failed me, so I went the opposite direction. I'm less neurotic about how I eat, how often I exercise, blah, blah because as many of us have posted...bmi 19, vegetarian, meditate, yoga, blah, blah "caused" me to have cancer (to my way of thinking) so to repeat what did NOT work seems foolish to my brain.

You should really be grateful that you can step outside of this cancer arena and go on living a happy life. May it be long and filled with joy. Your personality may simply process negative things less critically. There are people who get a recurrence and still keep positive. When you say you got off "easy" I think this is where you shine. Where some of us have been able to have the exact dx you have, some of us dwell on it, live in fear of recurrence, have PTSD for doc appointments...sort of a living hell that we cannot get out of. Treasure what you have!

DD,,,I feel the same. though I freaked when I found out about it, then I just went into numb mode. No chemo, no rads. Mastectomy, implants and tamoxifen. No one would know I had anything if I didnt tell them. I told my gyno that I feel like I cant even say I have/had cancer because I did not go through what most, including my sister, have with cancer. Survivors guilt, you said it well. I thought it would have scared me straight, but I still do things that I know can increase the risk or recurrence. Alcohol and my diet lacks too. By nature I am a worrier, maybe i still do worry, but I think, even 2 years later, I'm in shock and figure since I did what I thought was the right things then, I ate pretty well, did not drink much at all, exercised, pro active with keeping up with mammo/sono and still got BC. Maybe I've just said screw it for now...and just going to live.

Edj3, Wally was our 23 year old cat, many moons ago--a sweet gray, small male who thought he was the biggest cat outside. The avatar I have here is (sadly) my dearly departed Bandita. Cancer. Stupid, effing cancer. p.s. you write beautifully. I'm sorry about all the pain. The Buick lifting made me LOL. I needed it.

dd1973,

I think that cancer sucks and people want to find meaning and a silver lining and so you get tropes about how it changed their life for the better, and who knows, for some people, maybe that's really true.

What I think is, cancer won't solve a person's problems, any more than appendicitis or a broken arm or diabetes. We're lucky if it doesn't make our problems too much worse. Yes, we are shaped by our experiences. But 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' and 'suffering builds character' are both kind of... bullshit. We have to shape our experiences back.

Well done for treating the cancer! Whatever you would have done to try to help improve your life before you had cancer - a new sport? back to school? therapy? psychiatrist? move to a new place? - consider it again now. Please do not beat yourself up even a second for not having a magical life transforming epiphany. That's Hallmark movie stuff.

One of the things I have learned after 3 different early stage cancer diagnoses (bc, thyroid and melanoma) is that we control nothing. Things happen- not sure there is always a reason. I think I learned some things during my bc experience and definitely had a greater appreciation for things I had not really noticed before. However, like everyone else here, I have kids, husband, dog, job-- had to just keep moving forward every day. I don't think about cancer all that much (except for next week when I have a colonoscopy AND my annual oncology visit). I think life has these things that are very hard, and then there are some incredibly joyful moments. I am trying very much to always focus on the joyful moments. I also think about in different portions of time ( Live until my oldest graduates from high school, until she graduates from college, same with youngest. Youngest about to start college-so now I just want to see her graduate--- if there can be more after that, then I am delighted!!! I feel great- I think I am health- but I no longer have that innocence about my health--- but I just operate on the assumption that everything is fine until I have information to the contrary. But the mental game is hard (it was so hard during bc) I can remember waking up every morning with a ticker tape in my head that said "cancer, cancer, cancer" but that did subside over time. I hope it does for others as well.

Alice

so nice to meet you!!! you have been through it!!! I agree- even though it is still a panic sometimes, I have found that my reaction has de escalated each time... definitely a little been there done that.... and I am so grateful that each one has been so early-- I guess a benefit of extra surveillance. My kids call me the cancer badass.... I think that refers to you as well!!!