Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Hi all! Rita I like your idea of the treat a day! Cindy - just an idea, but when my grandaughter's bottom is sore, we use zinc ointment - it's non-toxic and it seems to help her right away. I woke up at midnight as usual - the furnace had come on and I was hot. I decided to give in and take an Ativan and I slept until 6:30 which is awsome for me. I really worry about the Ativan because my mother had a "history" with them - but maybe I have no choice for the duration. I've really started to dread the hours between midnight and 6 AM, which makes me more anxious and unable to sleep. I don't want to become dependant on Ativan, but I have no need of them during the day - just the "witching hours"!
Well it's official - this has been the coldest Feb. in Alberta since 1994! I'm not imagining it. Everyone is yearning for spring.
I hear you about the "surreal" experience. I haven't seen the oncologist since Dec. - once for my intake appt. He spent a fair bit of time with me and answered my questions. Then I went in unannouced one afternoon freaking out about a "knot" in my inner arm. He saw me - didn't know what it was either and was going to have it excised. Thankfully it went away a week later on its own. I don't see him again until 3 weeks after my last treatment. I guess this is because I am a "garden variety" early stage case and am tolerating treatment "reasonably well" (his words on the disability claim). So, I'm not a big deal, but it's a big deal to me! What's really hard to wrap my head around is that I WASN'T SICK! I didn't even have a palpable lump - this is from a screening mammogram. And "they've" done nothing but make me feel sick since. The statistics I was given is that there is a 20% chance I don't need any further treatment after the surgery and that chemo/hormone therapy reduces my risk by 75% So for an absolute 15% risk reduction, I will put up with chemo and take Tamoxifen. But nobody knows for sure which will help the most, whether they will help at all, or whether I need either. I'm finding that chemo is not as horrible as some people believe - generally those who went through it/knew someone who went through several years ago, or who had an especially rough time, or who have watched too many movies. On the other hand, it's serious serious medicine and no walk in the park. Some of the side effects are little things, but they add up and are relentless. And mostly, I don't FEEL like myself, especially the first 10 days. It's hard to describe - it's a toxic, zoned-out, depressed feeling and I believe it is chemically induced. These are powerful substances coursing through my veins and visiting every cell in my body.
So I choose to believe that the Dr/nurses know what they are doing. If there was a 20% chance my house would burn down, I'd pay a lot more for insurance than I do - and I pay quite abit for a very remote chance of needing it.
There is a lot of emotional baggage in the word "cancer" that doesn't seem to be there with many other conditions. Maybe this will lessen as there are more and more survivors and we speak up more and more. One lady who has been very helpful to me is an acquantance from high school. She works in our downtown library and I noticed she had been gone for awhile - this was a couple of years ago. I mentioned that and she said that she had had breast cancer. She was so matter-of-fact about it and so open that I didn't hesitate to call her 2 days after my diagnosis. I hope I can be that person for someone else.
Enough rambling - I feel that I can eat today, and maybe even sleep tonight! That makes it a good day. Hope you all have a good day too.

Good morning ladies, I think part of the reason the whole bc experience seems so surreal is that for most of us, it happens so suddenly. They find a lump and whoosh, you're in surgery and then next thing you know you're getting injections and your hair falls out. There is simply not enough time to mentally process everything...and we are constantly coming up against other people's pre-conceived notions as to how they think we should be feeling or acting. Even just last week the hub and I were sitting down to dinner and it hit me, and I said, You know I just can't believe I have breast cancer and getting chemotherapy...as I took an anti-nausea pill and adjusted my "house-hat." It just doesn't compute. What I relate to least are the "pity-looks" and for some reason, people from my church are the worst for that. Do they think it makes them look sympathetic? Holy? I don't know but it makes me want to smile brightly and tell a knock-knock joke or something. These are never the people who actually call or send cards, either. Not to judge them, but someone ought to run a seminar on things NOT to do with cancer patients. So, a pox on the pity-look! That's my rant. - Skye

Here is it:

A/C end date March 22.

Good Morning All,
You are saying exactly what I have been feeling. This does come on so fast, no time to process it completely before you have to decide on mast vs lump., which and how much chemo, who to tell, whether to power thru at work or take a leave, and the side effects of chemo are both obvious and isidious. I find myself so depressed, find it so hard to concentrate or to even talk sometimes. The hair loss is so huge, even though it seems superficial. And the pitying looks, false phone calls, I call them the buzzard calls. It's hard to deal with all this in such a short time. I was thinking this week that in 3 months I went from diagnosis, thru surgery, midway thru a/c, bald ... we have 9 months of pregnancy to adjust our thinking to a new child, and maybe a week to figure all this out before we are in a whirlwind of huge decisions. And then we expect so darn much from ourselves; still work, be good wives, don't whine ... it's a lot.

Next Wed is my 3rd ac. On Friday we fly to Monterey for an annual get together with inlaws, ten of us. Always so much fun. It's a jazz festival in a nice hotel, a chance to have three days together to catch up, walk down to the local pub, have a blast. This year I am dreading it. My mouth sores are so bad I can barely eat, am not drinking, will be wiped out. But if I don't go, my husband will either go and feel guilty or stay home and hate that, the whole family will be circling like buzzards; it just seems easier to go. But I sure hope I can power thru it. I found the 2nd ac much tougher to bounce back from than the first.

On the other hand, it is a postcard perfect Sat with sun and no wind, birds chirping, couldn't be more beautiful. And I am alive to enjoy it.

Melia

Hello all:

Had my MRI yesterday, went in there all dressed up, with wig on, only to realize I'd never make the 1/2 hour to an hour inside that machine with my wig on, and not being able to itch.

So here's this MRI tech guy named Sal, and I said to him, Sal, hope your not embarassed, but prior to getting me all set up, I'm going to have to whip off my wig. Presto....here's me...Bald, beautiful, one-breasted goddess that I am. He laughed, and so did I. It felt really good to laugh about it, I think it was my first time.

Anyways, I now have a week to wait on the results----fret, fret, fret. Spots on my liver, one they think is a cyst, the other they are not sure.

Onto my week that I actually feel good...this FEC is just awful!!! I agree with Shorti & Jan. Then on March 2 I get my next Toxic Kool-aid.

Hope everyone is doing good. Thanks MizSissy for putting together the list. We should have a reunion around the first part of July...everyone could come up to Calgary for the Stampede....YAHOO....now how does that sound!!!

Have a great day everyone.

Cheers...Joni

Mizsissy, Your dinner bust should be in a book called Classic Chemo Experiences. Total empathy here! But you can still drink wine? For some reason I just can't choke it down now. And I used to have a glass of merlot with dinner every night. I do think your onc was inappropriate to smile like that when he told you. But it would have been worse if he made the pity face.My surgeon seemed much more upset when he broke the news, too.
Joni, I had spots on liver which turned out to be cysts, and they do bother me but the thing to take is milk thistle, relieves them after a few days. Speaking of that, is anyone else taking alternative supplements? Besides the milk thistle, I'm taking extra Vit. D and omegas, astragalus, nettles (tea), and Kyo-green. The nurse keeps careful track of them with my other meds. I also drink some red clover tea but must be careful being on Warfarin as both are blood thinners. - Skye

Hi Skye, I might have metioned this before but I am taking a daily multiple vitamin, and enough extra vitamin D and calcium to equal 1,000 mg daily. I also take 1,000 mg Omega 3. This was recommended by the nutritionist I saw at Dana Farber and has the blessing of my oncologist for during and after treatment.

The nutritionist sited a recent study linking vitamin D to decrease in bc and recurrence. The calcium is for bones of course, and the omega 3 for heart health. I have a hard time choking down all the extra pills now but I suppose it's worth it. The omega 3 is better if you keep in the fridge--you don't get as much "repeat" which considering it's fish oil, you do not want ever, especially during chemo. Blech!
Amera

Sheesh guys…spend one afternoon away, and I have HOURS of reading! Wow.

Mizsissy…I am so sorry to hear that your romantic evening was a bust. You guys really seemed to roll with the changes as they came, it is just too bad that you didn’t get a break somewhere along the line!

I know what you mean about the big family gatherings Melia…I have had more than my share of buzzard calls as well, and they make me want to pull my hair out (so to speak). I have an aunt who has blown off every birthday party I have had for my kids for 9 years (that is ALL of them, by the way), never calls me and never visits. As soon as my diagnosis was made public, she started calling me to ask me how I am feeling and make sure that I know how willing she is to take care of my kids while I am indisposed.

Honestly, I would be more likely to flag down a passing car. Her false concern makes me want to vomit.

I do not envy you having to “tell your story” a million times to well meaning relatives, either. I have often thought of printing up some cards to hand out to people when they ask me “how it is going” . The sad thing is that most people really DO care, but they forget that they are not the only ones who ask the same questions, and it gets very depressing to tell the same story over and over…especially when you DO feel like crud, and it is going to be MONTHS before you feel any better…it is not comforting to rehash the details, even for the benefit of a truly compassionate person. I guess the reality of it is to just keep smiling and say “fine” a lot. I am sure you can power through it….if you can sustain cancer, you can sustain a few buzzards. Maybe you should take a page out of Mizsissy’s book and take a “happy pill” before you go

Rebecca,
The buzzard calls are something that has really been bothering me from the time I was diagnosed. I just didn't have a name for people coming out of the woodwork. My feeling is that if they didn't care about me when I was healthy, why are they now calling and calling and won't leave me alone. Another thing is that my dh told everyone he knows every detail of my bc experience, so now every time I go for another treatment, the phone doesn't stop ringing. I think sometimes people feel guilty. Don't get me wrong, it is nice to have people to care about me, but only the ones that are always around, not the buzzards. Enuf said.
Mizsissy,
I totally understand the whole romantic dinner thing. It was really nice that you tried. There will always be other nights.
Amera,
Do I have to ask the onc before I go on extra Vitamin D? I had melanoma 5 years ago, so I don't go in the sun at all. I would think that the onc would tell me to take vitamin D, since I get no sunshine.
I also think that people really stare too, just as Skye says.
I was watching tv with my daughter last night, and all of the sudden I started crying and said that I forgot I didn't have hair or a boob for a second and got really spooked. Everything really does happen so fast.
Joni,
The MRI experience sounds like something that would happen to me. I carry an extra bandanna in my purse for that very reason.
Lynn,
I hope that your bone pain goes away soon.
Everyone have a nice night. ilene

This place allows me to say things that I can't seem to say to family and friends. Here it is safe to put into words things that scare my loved ones.

I get compliments on my 'good attitude' and humorous approach to this experience and unnecessary reminders of how important my attitude is to my healing process. I rarely let family and friends see the frustration and worry that I feel. They can't handle it too well. Maybe we need to work on that together and learn better communication??

My coworkers seem to be able to help me. I'm sure it helps that I work in a medical environment. I can ask the other nurses for advice or information. I can be a little more open with them about some things.

Funny interaction this week:
My coworker/supervisor and I were talking. I told her I didn't know if I would go through this chemo experience again if I get another diagnosis. She gently reminded me that I'm not looking through a clear lens right now, I can't make the choice now for what might happen, I couldn't say what the medical situation might be, my personal situation might be so different that I'd fight with everything to go on. "You might have grandbabies or be in a relationship then, Cindy"

"Oh yeah, who wants this bald, one boobed woman?"

"Ummm, a bald, one-balled man?"

I appreciate that she just let that fly without a thought. That sometimes it's okay to be goofy/raunchy about my life.

We laughed and laughed as she told me about a man who at one time was a 'frequent flyer' at the area hospitals - he was a medication seeker. He would complain about pain in his scrotum. The radiology techs (her daughter is a radiology tech) would get a page for services for an ultrasound. The man had an undescended testicle and the page would read "US for uniballer" and they all knew who was in the ER.


Anyway, this place is a safe haven for me to say "oh yeah, this sucks". But tonight what sucks more is the expected 8 inches of snow that is expected to fall overnight.

Amera and Ilene...I have been trying to get a straight answer about what supplements to take and NOT to take to no avail. I have heard everything from Vitamin C is great for the whole thing...get an IV to Vitamin C is only ok in small amounts to no Tumeric or Folic Acid. I even had one person tell me to take shark cartilage (expensive, but worth it she said...yuck, no thanks). At this point I am so confused that I am just taking a multivitamin and an extra calcium supplement to make up the difference....and I am not even taking THOSE right now for fear of interfering with my antibiotic. Once the chemo is over, I will likely re-assess...but there are so many things that will FOREVER be off limits that it is daunting even then! What is a poor health-concious girl to do?????

Cindy - love the uniballer story! My cancer center says a multivitamin is OK. I take an extra calcium and D as well -D mainly because we get NO real sun here until April - I wouldn't bother in the summer. What do you girls think about vino? I used to enjoy a glass with dinner each night, but expect to limit myself to 1 or 2 a month after chemo is over. Boo hoo. The cancer was ER/PR positive and I don't want to feed it - or am I confused?

Hi ladies...

Remember how I said last week that cancer was the worst thing that had happened to me. I spoke too soon. My mother passed away this afternoon and I didn't even have enough notice to get there before she died. We were on our way in the sleet and snow but didn't make it up there before we got the call that she was gone. I really regret that I didn't get a chance to talk to her even though she probably wouldn't have heard me and still can't believe that I will never be able to talk to my mother again. I spent yesterday with her in the nursing home. She had a bad day...was very depressed, distant, and teary and I was terribly upset all the way home.

It is so funny. I came home, made the calls that needed to be made, broke down and cried, and then got on here where I've found comfort for several weeks now. I will get up bright and early tomorrow and head north to be with my step-dad and to help with any arrangements that can be made on a Sunday. Hopefully we will be able to manipulate the roads and get there.

Thanks girls for listening. I was just sitting here by myself and needed an "ear." My son is in northern Minnesota and will get here as soon as possible. To top it off, the good ol' chemo nosebleeds are happening one right after the other. Just a subtle reminder even in this time of grief that I'm still on my "surreal journey" too.

Was it Mother Teresa who said that God never gives us more than we can handle and sometimes she wished he didn't have so much faith in her abilities?????

Rita

Oh dear Rita,

What a terrible loss for you now...I am so sorry to hear this. My mother has been so important to me all through this, it is almost like I was her little girl again, I know this is difficult.

Be glad that you spent her last day with her and neither of you knew then what was to happen. I know it is little comfort to know that she was old and her time was inevitable, but it is inevitable for all of us. BC is just an early reminder of that, but we all must face death sooner or later. No one is spared.

Just think of her as passing on to the other side, a new life, more carefree...and never really far from you. She's still listening.

Mizsissy

Rita, I'm so sorry.

Prayers coming from Iowa for strength for you to get through 'the business' of the next days and then more strength to adjust to another portion of your new normal.

((((Rita))))

Cindy