Feeling unappreciated

There are home health companies that can do all you're doing. If she abuses them, at least they are getting paid. I would quit your volunteer job, but wish your mom the best. She probably has a lot of fear and anxiety, which she is unfortunately taking out on you.

Hi Kkmay,

You have to take care of yourself first. That's the only way that you'll be able to take care of anybody else, both long term and if a short term emergency comes up.

Dealing with a parent's illness is super hard. Can you get a therapist for yourself?

The first thing I'd say is that if this behavior from your mom is consistent with her character, then don't expect it to change. People don't get nicer when dealing with scary illness. It's on you to figure out what you are able to do for her while keeping your good spirits - taking into account the fact that she will not express appreciation.

Her cancer center might have a social worker. I would get her the contact info. Then have a conversation with her where you explain that you are taking a step back, out of respect both to her (she didn't ask you for this) and to yourself. Explain that she can contact the social worker to help coordinate other support. Be clear about what you are willing to help with (e.g., she can contact you in an emergency that requires a trip to the hospital, or she can contact you to help with groceries, or you can contribute $x to whatever service she selects). Be clear that you love her and explain how you will keep in touch (calling every other day and texting every day, or whatever).

Then actually step back.

That said, if her current behavior isn't consistent with her character from before she got sick, I would be wondering if she is dealing with her own depression and anxiety (that would be pretty typical for a breast cancer patient), and you are getting caught in the crossfire. If so, again, the social worker could be a good resource for starting to connect her to mental health support. You should still step back to the extent you need to, to take care of yourself. But do what you can to get her on antidepressants/therapy, and respond to what she is really saying. E.g., saying, "I didn't ask for that might mean, "I'm not worth this", or "I don't see the point of all this effort for my health because I'm sure I'm going to die anyway," or "I want to be independent again," or, "I have no worth if someone else is taking care of me."

Responses can range from, "I love you and I want to do this even if you didn't ask." "You took care of me plenty, now it's my turn for a bit." "When you're better, you owe me laundry." And looking for ways she can feel useful to you know, or express independence or use. Ask her for help with something she can do for you - even if it's just advice you know you'll never use. Could be organizing photos, researching something online, etc.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

I see both sides. Maybe she is ungrateful or maybe she didn’t ask for all your support and is feeling a loss of control and independence on top of fear and uncertainty. Perhaps, you don’t need to do everything, especially if she is capable. I would limit your efforts to a couple things, like medical appointments or a couple days per week helping around the house. She’ll do what needs to be done and you’ll get some of your life back.

I second what Wrenn said. But not as nicely. 😏 You may have decided to be your mother's caregiver, but did you give her a voice in that decision? Did you ask her if she wanted you to move in and take over so many of her daily tasks and decisions? To give up your life to help her? Maybe she is rebelling against all your control, and frankly, I can't blame her. To me, it sound like you've backed her into a corner and that's why she's lashing out at you. Maybe you need to sit down with her and ask her what she, THE ACTUAL PATIENT, wants, and make notes so you can both stick to what will work. Good luck, and I hope the relationship is repairable.

I was 63 when I was diagnosed and I didn't need anyone living with me. It would have driven me nuts.

Atleast she posted in the Family forum. But it does seem to be all about her and her sacrifices. Cancer patients that really need the help are usually not in very good health could be why she isn't praising her enough.

I think this can be solved by communicating more, whether it's the two of you on your own, or with a facilitator (perhaps the cancer center social worker). Reassess the situation. Both of your needs and wishes may be different now than at the beginning. Mom should say what help she does and dies not want currently, and who she would prefer to do it (daughter or others),and daughter can say what she is up for and what she would rather have delegated. For example, I remember when I was on IV chemo I really appreciated by husband accompanying me. At the same time I had to tell him that while I did sometimes need help in the kitchen, I felt It was my territory and I needed to be allowed to do as much as I was able to there. Back then I needed him to hold my hand for blood draws, whereas now they are so routine that we both agree his need to use that time for his own work or rest is a priority. Recognize that things change, and communicate.

Kkmay some of the confusion might be coming from your profile appearing to say that you have breast cancer so members might assume you know how it feels to have the diagnosis. Maybe you can put a qualifier in your profile to let people know that you don't have cancer and that you are here to let people know that your mother is not following your beliefs regarding the disease.

I think if your statement "I also believe that psychological problems/ stress can trigger chronic illness in human beings." is true then you need to decrease the pressure you are putting on your mother to follow your beliefs. She is dealing with a lot and going at her for things like diet is not helping.

As an anecdote I lived on chocolate milk, mac and cheese, pizza and desserts at my most stressful times. Was nearly 300 lbs (not much less now) am 72 years old, am also triple negative and I am doing fine. I took a bus by myself to chemo and back, my hemoglobin was 88 after mastectomy so I used a walker for a while but I managed on my own. My daughter was available if I wanted help but I needed to keep stress to a minimum.

"I believe that food has a great role in causing/treating cancer. I know a lot of people still don't believe it, but I have read so many clinical trails, research papers, books and medical articles that proved the apposite. I also believe that psychological problems/ stress can trigger chronic illness in human beings. Unfortunately, my mom thinks her cancer is just bad luck, and there is nothing other than traditional medicine to beat it. Although I strongly believe in the power of modern medicine, I think a great diet and a set of well chosen supplements can tremendously improve the treatment response."

Well, perhaps we've found the source of at least some of the conflict.

Your mother is the cancer patient. Therefore it's 100% up to her on how to proceed with regard to diet and supplements. Your thoughts and opinions on the topic are irrelevant unless your mother specifically asks for your input & advice and specifically asks you to decide for her what she should eat and what supplements she should take. If she hasn't asked for this, then yes, as she said, you are wasting your money. I can see why she would be upset. Although it may be true that your choices are better for her, you cannot and should not push your choices and beliefs onto her. Of course, while providing her with the foods that she asks for, you can of course buy and prepare whatever you want for yourself. Over time she might want to try some of what you are having, but again, that's up to her.

As an FYI, for years I've been doing the grocery shopping for my now 94-year-old mother. I buy only what she asks me to buy (down to the brand, if she knows which brand she prefers), and I don't pass judgement on her choices. I may suggest some things, and sometimes she agrees and other times she doesn't. That's fine.

Since your mother asked you to move in and clearly wants you to stay, I would suggest that you communicate with her about what errands and tasks you wants you to help out with. Then do those things, and only those things. Let her know that if she wants additional assistance, she just has to ask. And if she complains about your help with a task that she asked you to help out with, remind her that she asked for your assistance. Find out if she still wants the help in that area and if so, find out if there is another way that she would prefer that the task be done. You are there to help her, and you are in her environment. That is very challenging for you, but remember that you are there because the illness and her treatments have taken from her some of her ability to do for herself. That no doubt is very difficult for her.

Edited for typos only (these days it seems my iPad has a brain - a dysfunctional brain- of it's own).

Excellent response Bella. You nailed it.

Diane

SP I think in my case diet WAS important... Eating a clean diet, I have lost about 20 lbs from my former weight and w supplements a bunch of my minor aches and pains (hip, knee) have disappeared. I was pretty healthy before for a 57 year old, but I feel much healthier now.

I have no known genetic defect, per Foundation One. I breastfed for a total of 6 years. I had a low BMI and good fitness.

I think of it as a freak occurrence that a tumor developed, but I was probably undernourished before and ate too much sugar/carbs/booze and that did not help me. I also had DES exposure as a baby in utero (endocrine disruptor) which is likely to be a factor in my case as it doubles post menopausal cancer rate in exposed women.