Freaking out during waiting/diagnostic period

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LMS458412
LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
edited July 2019 in Waiting for Test Results

I had a routine mammogram 6 days ago and they found an irregular mass about 2.7 cm in my right breast as well as an enlarged axillary lymph node. I've been feeling the lymph node for several weeks now, on and off, but never felt the mass and haven't had any other symptoms except some random discomfort in both breasts, but more in my right. My GYN rushed me in for an ultrasound. After that, the doctor who reads the mammograms and ultrasounds came in and told me that I have cancer, 100% sure. I freaked out.

Now that I think about it, it seems weird that she would say 100% sure. I keep hoping it's a mistake, even though deep down I've accepted that I'm facing a long road ahead to get back to health. I'm prepared to do anything and everything I can to take care of this. Even so, I'm freaking out right now, not sleeping well, tensing all my muscles so that now my body is sore and I'm imagining all these horrible thoughts in between all my positive affirmations. I'm scared the cancer is spreading through my body at a rapid pace and I'll be too late to do anything. I have a 9 year old and a wonderful husband and I'm so frightened for them, even more so than for myself.

I go today for a biopsy of the mass and the one enlarged lymph node. My MRI was scheduled for yesterday, but my insurance didn't approve it yet, so it's been postponed until Saturday. I just want answers. I want a plan. I'm scared of the answers and the plan, too.

If anyone has reassuring thoughts for me, I could sure use them right now. So glad this community is here. I've been reading a bit and also find strength in all of you, and know I will continue to do so. Thanks.

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited July 2019

    This part is truly the hardest part. You have no idea of what will need to be done for your treatment plan. Could be very simple lumpectomy and radiation, could be more. You will pass through this experience.Five years ago in August, I was in your shoes. Constantly looking at mastectomy photos, calculating my odds. Now I'm feeling better than I did before cancer. I focused on my health, reduced stress, began exercising, lost weight. My advice is to do your research so that you understand what the docs are talking about, but then keep busy. Do the things you like to do. Spend time with people you enjoy spending time with.

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  • Ali_R
    Ali_R Member Posts: 7
    edited July 2019

    Unfortunately I come with no experience just compassion. I agree the 100% statement is teally weird. I do know this, you are in the care of medical personnel that are going to be proactive.

    I had my biopsy yesterday, I am praying you are treated with at least half as much compassion as I experienced. I found the staff very helpful and hopefully they address some of your concerns.

    It is wonderful they were able to reschedule your MRI and get you in on a Saturday of a holiday weekend. I know waiting longer for it sucks but it will give your breast a chance to heal a little more.

    Speaking of healing, my husband made me two gel packs for my biopsied breast - 3 parts water 1 part rubbing alcohol in gallon freezer bags. (Maybe a total of 2 cups liquid in each bag.) I spell this out because folded over, the gallon size covers from the center of my chest to my armpit. He got fancy and put food coloring in it, too! I am wearing a tank with a shelf bralette & tuck the ice pack in over the bralette part and under the tank. It holds it in place perfectly. So that I can offer.

    Know that I am holding you in my thoughts, soon you will have the answers you need. Hang in there.

    Ali


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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Thank you, Ali! I love the gel pack idea. I will share it with my husband and have him make them for me. Anything to make this whole process easier....

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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Thank you, SJacobs146, for the positive, hopeful reply. I have been trying to stay busy. I've done chores, so I can rest completely after the biopsy. We had a fun family day out on Sunday. I've tried to spend more time playing with my son. We are working on a puzzle right now and it distracts me. At these times, I feel the weight on my chest lift, the tightness in my muscles loosens. I have a busy mind, always thinking, planning and analyzing, so I'm wearing myself out when I think about it. Hard not to.

    I'm already changing my lifestyle - eating healthier, walking more, trying to lose weight. I'm ready to do the hard work.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited July 2019

    Hang in there, LMS458412. Indeed the waiting is the worst! Good for you for embracing a healthier lifestyle!

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  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited July 2019

    Hiya LMS458412,

    This part before you have the full info is so hard.

    Even if the radiology doc was right that it is cancer in the breast (and the experienced ones can be very good at predicting), it will be a long wait before you get all the information that lets you understand how it will impact your life: hormone status, actual size, lymph node involvement, other areas of concern, tumor genome, etc.

    The waiting is hard. Try to keep your eye on the big picture. Most breast cancer is very treatable, and chances are that after a period of your life being turned upside down with treatment, you will go back to mostly living like normal, not knowing what will one day kill you, including whether it will be cancer or not.

    BTW most cancer found via routine mammogram is early stage.

    Hang in there and try to make the most, or what you can, of the mean time.

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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Thanks, Salamandra! I just had my biopsy and I feel surprisingly upbeat. It was good to get through it. I'm still feeling like the outcome will be cancer, but I'm trying to remember that there are hundreds of thousands of you out there who have gotten through it and are living a good life on the other side of treatment. I'm trying to hold onto that and not let the negative thoughts creep back in.

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited July 2019

    Okay, you've had the biopsy, now you have to wait again. Go have fun while you wait! Do stuff with your partner, kids, friends, pets, whatever.

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  • OnTarget
    OnTarget Member Posts: 447
    edited July 2019

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this! As everyone has said, the waiting is the hardest part! Hopefully they'll have the results before the weekend!

    Now that the waiting is over for me, I feel so much better. I'm not stressed, I'm happy, and I feel good.

    Weirdly enough, I still consider myself a lucky person. There are so many things in my life that are wonderful that I'm thankful for, and hopefully having cancer will just be a bump in the road for me.

    Thinking good thoughts for you!


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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Thanks AliceBastable and OnTarget. I'll try to do some happy things with my family while I wait. I've also started a journal where I can write about how I'm feeling, but more importantly, write about my blessings. I hope it will keep me focused on all the wonderful things and people in my life. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight with one weight off my shoulders.

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  • ItsHandled444
    ItsHandled444 Member Posts: 56
    edited July 2019

    As everyone says, the waiting and not knowing is the hardest part. Your mind races and you have so many questions and what ifs. My mind started to go to the dark place and decided I am not going there, let's see what we have and what what we need to do. Once you get the diagnosis and a plan you just go with it, I try to focus on the positives, at least they got it early, at least..... This group has been so helpful with recommendations and suggestions.

    Sending good thoughts and hugs your way!

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited July 2019

    LMS458412, it sounds like you've got a great plan in place to keep a mental and emotional balance going forward. It really helps.

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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Thank you all. I'm still in waiting mode. They said biopsy results might be in Monday, which is when we consult with the surgeon. At least whether it's cancer or not (but the US tech and doctor said it is 100% cancer based on mammo and US), but they may not know about the receptors yet. I go from being tense and fearful to being really relaxed and accepting. I'm tired of not knowing, even though it's only been 6 days since I found out my screening mammogram found something. At least I'm sleeping better, about 6 or 7 hours a night.

    On Saturday, I'll be seeing my dad and stepmom for the first time since I told them, and I'm afraid they are going to break down in front of my son, who knows mama is having some tests done, but doesn't know anything else yet. I need them to be strong, at least on the surface. I haven't told my in-laws, and we're seeing them on Sunday, and my husband doesn't know how he's going to deal with that. But, his mom doesn't have a filter anymore and I'm afraid she'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I just want to have a pleasant visit before I have to tell everyone what's going on.

    My MRI got pushed back again. It was supposed to be Saturday, but the insurance company STILL won't approve it, even though I have to pay most/all of it out of pocket since we haven't hit our deductible. I'm trying not to let it frustrate me. My current mantra: It will all work out.

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  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited July 2019

    LMS,

    If you're close with your dad and/or stepmom, text them ahead of time to let them know what you need from them. Tell them 'please no crying'. They will be happy to know how to support you and it will be easier for all of you. If you're not close with them, cancel the meetup.

    Same for your in-laws. Back out if you want, let your husband have the conversation with them and let it go however it goes.

    You don't have to keep going as though everything is normal. Cut yourself some slack. You don't need to be emotionally taking care of others now.


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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    You are very right, Salamandra.

    I am close with my dad and stepmom and I definitely want to see them. I plan to let them know what I expect from them. Also, my husband is going to take our son to do some fun stuff together that I don't like to do (like ride the glass elevator to the top of the hotel), so that I can talk to them privately.

    I'm trying to keep everything as normal as possible. Staying busy with life is what is helping me hold it together.

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited July 2019

    I didn't tell anyone except my husband and grown son until the night before surgery. I just had a lumpectomy, so it wasn't too big of a deal. I had lunch with friends two days later - I wore a "no hugging zone" sign on my left boob. It was probably the easiest surgery I've gone through, and I've had several of all sizes.

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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    My stepmom couldn't make it, but my dad was there and all went well. We had a chance to have some private time to talk and it was very positive. It filled me with such hope and love. I'm feeling much calmer now.

    I do believe I'll be having a mastectomy, though. Based on the size of the tumor (2.7 cm, spiculated), and the likelihood of node involvement (one swollen right now), it might be the better path for me. I'll find out more this week.Not worried about the surgery. I've had my gallbladder removed and gave birth to a big baby without an epidural. I'm ready!!!

    By the way, AliceBastable, you keep on being a bigger bitch than cancer 'cause you rock! Thanks for the moral support.

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited July 2019

    Aw, thanks.

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  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited July 2019

    I'm so glad it went well! Sometimes people can really come through :)

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  • LMS458412
    LMS458412 Member Posts: 301
    edited July 2019

    Well, I guess I'm moving to the Just Diagnosed board. I met with my breast surgeon and part of my biopsy results are back. Positive for cancer in the mass as well as one lymph node. Waiting on results on the receptors. I have an MRI in a few days and a PET scan next week. I guess they think it may have spread elsewhere and want to be sure either way before setting up our plan. I'll be getting a bilateral mastectomy and chemo, and most likely some rads.

    I love my breast surgeon already. She's very upbeat and positive. I'm going to try to be the same way! Thanks all!

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