Struggling with telling friends & family

55cellos - I can only speak to what I chose to do but for what it's worth: Last year when I was diagnosed after 43 years of weirdo mammograms/MRIs (I'm high risk) and multiple biopsies with abnormal but not cancerous results, I was insulted that my body had finally given in to cancer. Irrational, yes. Plus I had been really health conscious for years and knew I'd get the "What? How did you get cancer? You do everything right?" questions. Also I'd had full genetic testing (32-gene panel; negative for everything including My cancer).

I'm known for being honest and straightforward but I'm also private. So what I did was to call our daughter and then send an email to a very small limited carefully chosen circle of very close trusted friends and family members - less than 10 in all - and SWORE them to secrecy until I gave the go-ahead. I also made it CLEAR that I wanted no recommendations or suggestions or breast cancer stories unless I asked for them - and I only asked one person for advice and that was a close relative who had Triple Negative a few years ago. I told them that if they started to tell me one of those "Well, my sister's breast cancer..." stories, I would stop them in mid-sentence. I needed to make my decisions in my way. The other thing I told friend was "NO SAD FACES AND PROLONGED HUGS when you see me." I live in one of those towns where everyone picks up on everything and I didn't want to start something!

My aim: I needed privacy and safety in which I could investigate, learn, and choose my cancer team and treatment plan. Once I had all that in place, THEN I would start letting the word out, not with an announcement (I hate that) but with a few private emails to other family members and mentions in conversations with friends as appropriate. Not "Guess what...I have cancer!" But rather, "I won't be available for that date because I'll be having cancer treatment..." then continue from there as needed.

The other thing I did was not to try to inform everyone in the family - I just let key people know that they could let other relatives know.

It paid off - I had friends to talk with; I wasn't bombarded with useless advice and questions and I had the confidence and empowerment and privacy I needed with which to make my decisions.

I hope you are doing well and are feeling confident as you move forward. Keep us all posted.

For the BRCA testing, your gene (spit) sample is the most important component. You fill in what you know about your family but they know you're not going to have all of that info, so I wouldn't sweat that part too much.

I'm 43, very fit, childfree by choice, hard-charging & I knew it was going to come as a shock that I had cancer. I opted to tell my very closest, closest peeps in person (husband, parents, brother). I then crafted an email with enough info to be informative but not overwhelming, first acknowledging that getting that kind of info via an email wasn't ideal but that I wanted my close peeps to know what was going on without having to repeat it a ton of times. I blind cc'd everyone on the email so no one could mistakenly reply all. I have continued with the email updates as my treatment has progressed & the folks on the emails are hugely appreciative of the updates.

I'm a straight-shooting, pragmatic, full-disclosure gal so I told my peeps it was not a secret but that a world wide broadcast was not something I wanted. Luckily all of my closer friends & fam know me well & I've only gotten the "so sorry" sad shit from people who don't know me very well. My peeps have taken what they know of me & they've responded with a get-after-it, conquer-this kind of reaction. More than a few have said they feel a little sorry for the cancer, lol. Which better be gone by now, btw, since my surgery was 3 days ago.

It's your body and your diagnosis and you can choose to handle it however YOU want. There really isn't a wrong way, in my opinion. Do what feels right for you.

My approach was very similar to happyperidot. There was no secret but I wanted to tell those closest to me first. I have tons of first cousins and wanted them to know for family health history purposes more than anything. So I told their mom's (my aunts, after my significant other, kids and my mom).

I found out I have BC this past May 20th. I only told my mother, her husband, a close friend, a priest and my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend not to tell anyone, he promised, then told 3 people. I almost broke up with him over it. I’m a super private person. I don’t want people looking at my chest and wondering how bad they look after treatment.

I told everybody in one FB announcement the day before surgery. I kept it light and semi-humorous. I think I told my only sister a few days before in response to her text asking me to help her haul some stuff out of our mother's house. I guess I'm lucky - I didn't have to talk to anyone in person.

I only told my immediate family and a couple of close friends. Who then decided to tell others. That really bothered me. It was my news to share, not theirs. One of the main reasons I chose not to share it with the world is that I hate the sad looks, their stories of their sis-in-law who just died of BC, or their mom who thought she'd beat cancer, but it came back, etc., etc. Too many invasive questions like, "What stage are you?" and my favorite (not!) "Cancer always comes back." When a friend told me that, I said, "That's not the kind of thing that makes me feel better." Then she tried to backpedal and said, "Well, it will come back IF you don't eat the right foods and don't exercise."

Even my own sweet mother will sometimes ask, "So how are you REALLY?" This makes me feel like I must look awful, like I'm on death's door or something. I know Mom means well, but I still hate it when she asks that.

After reading what I just wrote, I realize that black cloud is back.