Sharing my double mastectomy jouirney

April 4th- will be the anniversary of what I consider a turning point in my life. The day of my double mastectomy surgery. I’m grateful to those who shared their experience with me and helped me do the right thing even though absolutely everyone around me were against my decision. I feel someone may find my story helpful.

I’ve decided to have double mastectomy due to strong family history and the presence of hyperplasia cells in both breasts. I was trying to find others who had done the same procedures and luckily found 4 people. Interesting point : all 4 had worked with the same doctors. I switched practice in 1 week. The surgeon stopped cancer surgery but when he heard that I switched, accepted to do one last one

There was no indication that I need to remove the nipples so there was no plan to remove them.

The month before surgery was the hardest of my life. The feeling of loss and grief, as if I am losing a love one- I was holding my own breasts feeling that I won’t be able to feel the touch again for the rest of my life. Sometimes I pinched myself, crying as I thought I won’t be able to feel the pain again. To this date- I still cry when I remember those nights. Saying goodbye to my own body. Holding them like a child and crying. I was asking my husband to hold them all night so I can remember the feeling of his touch.

My plastic surgeon wouldn’t tell me how much scars I may have as he was not the one who was performing the mastectomy. The way my breast surgeon explained to me : a big cut across- to this date:I still don’t know why he thought he has to do it that way. Crying got worse- now I was imagining myself with two new breasts that has been cut like two big melons.

My plastic surgeon was concerned about the reconstruction - my nipples were not parallel to begin with- he was telling me that he can’t move the location of nipples as they may die. So I was getting two unparallel nipples plus two breasts with different shapes that were cut like a melon.

The week before surgery, I was told that I will get two cuts under the breasts where the scar will be invisible!!!!!!!! Biggest problem was gone.

When I woke up after 6 hours of surgery : the pain was way more than what I was expected. But from the moment I opened my eyes, I wasn’t experiencing the feeling of lost anymore. It was gone ... all the horrible feelings and my breasts- both were gone. They were replaced with a new hope. Let’s see how we can get these two unparallel breasts to look the same.

I felt strong- in charge- I did it- my chance of cancer from 68% went down to 2%. I accomplished something big. I was, I am and I will be proud of myself.

Reconstruction journey was something else- now I was told that they have to remove the nipples because the hyperplasia cells were too close to the nipples. But they only needed to remove one! I no longer had any connection to these two empty bowls! I told them that cut both nipples off. They are nothing but dangerous skin to me. Now the goal was to figure out how to fix 3 inches difference between the two nipples. Decision was hard- nurse asked me to prioritize what is important for me in order. Parallel nipples - same size breasts - same shape breasts. Once I could give them the list, we all were on the same page.

I went for 2nd surgery 4 months later to remove expanders and place implants, cut the nipples and rebuild them. I came to this forum for advise on the shape and got the answer. Round-smooth. There was not much fat in my chest and the chance of rippling was high. I asked plastic surgeon to do the fat graft at the same time of the second surgery. My plastic surgeon refused due to too much pain. And boy I’m grateful he did not perform it

Second surgery was more painful than the first one. I remember waking up feeling there is a dagger in the middle of my chest and someone is turning it while pushing it in. That pain stayed with my for few months. No one had a better answer than it is just nerve growing back.

Unfortunately one breast had ripples. The fat graft was performed 2-3 months later. Oh boy- the discomfort was not a joke! It was painful. More than breast surgery itself. I was not big to begin with. Getting off the bed was easy: I just had to act like a melted IceCream and let my body fall off the bed till my feet reach the floor. Liposuction is hell painful. I think I rather have ripples than doing fat graft again.

I’m 3 months after lypo. I still have some ripples. Not as bad- but I have them on one breast.

It’s a year after:

The pain of lypo is gone, the pain from all breast surgeries are gone- my chance of breast cancer is gone as well. I’m much stronger person. My body is much more beautiful than what God gave me. I had a very rough year, but it was nothing compare to what a cancer patient will go through. I know because my mother was a 4 times survivor and I witnessed her pain growing up. my sister was diagnosed jan 2018- and now she is cancer free. Cancer is pure hell.

What I learned from my journey : we are not in control of anything- but we just have to move forward. I used to be able to sleep like a baby, never drank in my life as I did not need alchohol to be happy. That is no longer the case- I can’t shut my brain off, I drink on weekend and I can’t sleep well. But.... I’m happy. I remember I was in pain, but did not leave scars. just like I remember I was in labor for 8 hours when I was giving birth to my only child- but the pain did not scar me.... the only feeling that stayed with me was the joy of huging my child for the first time. The pain goes away- joy will stay.

My journey was hard, I was in pain, but the joy of long healthy life is what I feel everytime I see myself in the mirror.

Feeling of my breasts are gone- if they itch, no matter how much I itch the skin, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel the warmth of my husband’s touch, I am still numb on my sides from lypo. But.... I can’t be happier. My silicone breasts live 150 years longer than the rest of me and I don’t have to do mammogram again. I learned that no one’s opinion about my health matters. No one will feel the pain but me.

I chose me. I chose my health. I chose long life. I chose to get rid of my own body part and I proudly will say: “ of course these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me”.