Friends who have ghosted me - what to do

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Anonymous
Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
Friends who have ghosted me - what to do

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  • Hanging_in_there
    Hanging_in_there Member Posts: 226
    edited January 2018

    I have some friends/ acquaintances who have pretty much ghosted me since asking how I was doing in the fall 2016. I'm toward the end of my treatment and will see some of these people.

    One just asked me if I wanted to go skiing in a month. Others I will see at a party with adoption friends next month. I am still in treatment (no energy to go skiing and I don't want to see this former friend. When asking about skiing, she didn't inquire how I am doing.

    I'm particularly wondering what to say to this friend (skiing) friend, whom I have know for more than 15 years. I have considered her more of an activity partner, but she has considered me a close friend at one time. So after a year of ghosting, I have no interest in seeing her again. My husband and son are going on the ski weekend (which I encourage as I want my son to like cross-country skiing and he hasn't been in 2 years). Skiing friend has an adopted kid same age as mine and the kids get along great.

    Eventually I will have to see her and other (not very good) friends from the adoption support group. What do I say? I don't want to avoid these people as my child is adopted and this is the adoption group where he knows all the other families have adopted kids like him and we all have transracial adoptions.

    And I have a male friend whom has been a friend we do things with.(I've known him for 20 years) He also ghosted me all year plus. He sends funny things in an email like there is nothing different happening in my life. He gets along really well with my 10 year old, and is not really a friend of my husbands. I wish he could be there for my son, but I don't want to see him anymore, which I feel like I'm taking one of the adults out of my son's life and I don't really want to do that.

    What have others done with friends who have ghosted them and then you see them or they get back in touch with you?



  • IntegraGirl
    IntegraGirl Member Posts: 147
    edited January 2018

    If interaction is unavoidable, I'm polite but don't engage. If interaction is avoidable, I just don't respond to the email, text or call,

    My position with those people is: I needed you. You ditched. We're all caught up.

  • ErnRoo
    ErnRoo Member Posts: 7
    edited January 2018

    I went through the same thing. But I decided that I have way too much to worry about and didn't need to dwell (which I tend to do) on the people who weren't supportive or the people who said the most awful things or otherwise didn't handle the situation well. I imagined myself giving them one--just one--gigantic Free Pass---Like those newspaper pictures of the person giving a huge check to a charity and everyone grins for the camera. I let it go. If they contact me, fine. If they don't, fine. But they got their free pass anyway. One person did email recently and apologize for being absent recently and I was gracious, because I had no bad feelings. It's not that I'm a good person, but it's that cancer was so hard for me and still is that I just had to find away not to dwell on the actions of other. I'm taking care of myself first. I hope you find a way to deal with the loss of friends. It is hard.

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited January 2018

    I think during a time like this you find out who your friends are. Fear aside, ours and their’s, its easy to be a friend when things are going great. It’s very telling that some tuck and run when they are called upon to help or to just call.

    I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I have were very supportive. Ditto family. I think some think for some inexplicable reason we deserve it. Unhealthy lifestyle, etc. Outrageous to be sure and so is it is contagious. Seriously?

    It’s hurtful to discover they really don’t care but better to find out now.

    Diane

  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited January 2018

    It is one of the biggest and most painful lessons of cancers - disappearing friends. I had an entire family that abandoned me - thought we were friends for 30 years. It was horribly painful for me. And they too, wanted to go back to the way things were before cancer which meant - me do all the giving.

    Lesson learned. Check.


  • Hanging_in_there
    Hanging_in_there Member Posts: 226
    edited January 2018

    I like all of your responses. I don't feel very forgiving, but I also like the idea of giving some friends a pass although I'm not sure how well I can do it.

    I actually found 2 new friends after being diagnosed.

  • Outfield
    Outfield Member Posts: 1,109
    edited January 2018

    You never know what's going on in someone else's life. Supporting you may have been more than they could bear. Also, there are some friendships where the tie isn't really close enough to expect someone to support you. Before I experienced a run of bad stuff in my own life, I was terribly torn about contacting people I knew who were experiencing illness or hardship because I was worried they wouldn't want the intrusion. And of course there are people who simply cannot handle illness and death, and are much better-off staying away and not putting their awkward feet in their mouths. You just don't know if you are someone's trigger or someone's biggest nightmare of an interpersonal challenge. I have yet to make a friend who is completely self-confident, well-adusted, able to take on anything that life throws at them and able to reliably make the perfect decision about when to call vs. when not to call.

    I am all for giving people chances, especially if they reach out in any way, like the skiing-inviter. If it turns out that they disappeared because they're really shallow and just didn't want anything to do with a sick person, you can turn down the next invitation.


  • bella2013
    bella2013 Member Posts: 489
    edited February 2018

    I am in my fourth month of this cancer journey. I initially thought that I would be very private about it. It didn’t take me long to realize that I cannot go it alone. I am very active in my church so I started with my best and closest friends their that really know me. They have been wonderful to call, give me devotional books written by cancer survivors and offers of bringing food to the house. I have other friends/acquaintences that I have no expectations of doing anything. It’s just the way they are made. Most that fall into this category are afraid to ask. They just don’t know what’s appropriate (which blows my mind). It’s like cancer is taboo. Some people are just ignorant of the cancer journey, especially since so many more of us are surviving breast cancer.

    Breast cancer has definitely reordered my priorities. As soon as I was diagnosed my immediate need has been to receive love and kindness and to give love and kindness generously. Forgiveness is for me, it isn’t for the person who has slighted me. If they didn’t care about my cancer diagnosis they certainly don’t care about ill feelings I may have toward them. But my body cares because anger and stress is fuel to those cancer cells. We are called to forgive one another and when we do we let go of the anger and hurt.

    I say always be kind and polite. We are free to set new boundaries with these folks who couldn’t be there for us.

    Blessings to all of you walking through this cancer journey

  • Lisey
    Lisey Member Posts: 1,053
    edited February 2018

    I had cancer and even I avoid touchy subjects or nurturing sick friends... I'm not made that way,. But ask me to solve a problem, or fight a battle, and I'll totally do it.

    I think you need to lower your expectations. Not all of us handle sickness well including myself. I was cracking death jokes all the time and thank goodness it was my cancer so I could but if my friend gets cancer I'd probably crack just death jokes there too. I think especially for your son you need to let go of the judgment and hurt you have. Did you reach out to them and specifically asked them to help you? If you didn't then again expectations need to be lowered.

    Honestly asking someone to go skiing and kind of get back to normal is my type of friend now if you need to be real with them and explain what you need go for it. But don't expect them to just know what you need.

  • Dottess
    Dottess Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2019


    I was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas 2017 and it was like an explosion: within a few days my son announced he was going to marry a girl no-one liked and my only sibling - my sister who is 10 years older than me - flew to Spain to spend Christmas and New Year there. Both my husband and I got a very bad dose of the flu (probably helped by stress and shock) and all my effort then was to get well enough to have my operation which was scheduled for 10 days away. I managed this but had to have another operation two weeks later. I don't have to remind all you ladies who have gone through this how frightening and traumatic it is but I learnt that the only people I have in the World (and its not that bad) is my husband and my son. My sister disappeared and I had a job trying to ring her. Her answer to my upset call to tell her that after my dressing had been taken off after my second op. my left breast was significantly different; her response was that I would have to come to terms with it! "Friends" who did not know - because we only kept in touch because of me - squeezed in a phone call after I wrote to them but really didn't want to hear me going on I suppose. My son is getting married in a few weeks' time and my sister is going. I have not seen her throughout this time. I have tried to but she has resisted me. I do not know how I will react when I see her. For this reason I am not going to have any alcohol! Any advice on how I should handle our meeting after 18 months?

  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited May 2019

    I think my general advice would be to do what's going to cause the least drama and stress for you. You don't owe anybody a big conversation about what and why and feelings. You can say, 'thanks for the invite but I have to pass, have fun!' and leave it at that. Make small talk about the weather or pets or whatever you would do with an acquaintance. If in the future you feel a strong desire to reconnect and rebuild the friendship, you can always do it later.

    Hey Dottess,

    In a situation like that I'm a big fan of processing as much of your feelings as you can before, with other people. So like coming here and typing it out, talking it through with friends, even acting out all the things you'd want her to know, more than once if you want. Role play to a friend maybe. The goal is to get to the place where you are the 'conductor' of your feelings, and not her, so that when you see her, you can interact with her in a more casual way, without all the weight of your feelings rushing to be expressed in the moment. No alcohol is a great idea.

    I would say that cancer has taught me a lot about my own strengths and weaknesses and my friends' strengths and weaknesses, and made me more accepting of both. We all bring different things to the table, and a bird won't become a fish no matter how much you might need a fish in the moment. Better to appreciate them for what they can bring and hopefully have a broad enough net of support that someone can step up to be the fish. I know I haven't always wanted to be the friend I wished I could be for friends going through their own stuff either.

  • MountainMia
    MountainMia Member Posts: 1,307
    edited May 2019

    Dottess, I have a sister who shut me out of her life 5 years ago. When I was diagnosed this year I wanted to let my siblings and their kids know at the same time, the same information. I was tempted to exclude her (but include her kids) with that info. Ultimately I decided that what I told her was up to me, and how she responded (or not, which is what I expected,) was up to her. I've sent more updates as treatment decisions were made. She has generally responded with a thanks for the information. I appreciate that she has, and honestly I DON'T want more from her, because I don't want to restart the issues that led to our estrangement. Basically, I don't want to talk to her because we just generally don't get along or see things the same way, or communicate in the same way. It's too hard.

    So as to dealing with YOUR sis, who walked away from you when you most needed her support? That's her deal, not yours. Her behaviour is on her. I think you can be pretty minimal in dealing with her, and let her response be on her. Just tell her that you're glad she could come, and it means a lot to your son (if it does.) If she tries to engage you about your relationship during the festivities, suggest that this isn't the time for it but you'll be willing to speak with her about it later (if you are.) And then go about enjoying his wedding with your husband, your son and his bride, and the other guests. Just be pleasant and kind, as you would be to any other guest. That's on you, nothing else at this time.

    Sibs are both the best and the worst of family, for many of us. Enjoy his special day, and don't let tangles with her get in the way of that. Good luck.

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2019

    Dear Dottess, welcome to Breastcancer.org. As you can already tell, this is a wonderfully supportive community. Please know that we are here also if you need help navigating the forums, or have a question you don't see posted, you can always reach out to us via the private message function. We're here for you!

    Again, welcome to the Community!

    The Mods

  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited May 2019

    After letting family and friends know, mostly via Facebook, I got some immediate "thinking of you" responses, but I didn't hear from most of them as far as asking how I was doing after that. BUT ... I kept posting about other things, mostly fun stuff, with just a few health posts, like about other surgeries. I think because I kept my own posts upbeat and non-medical (for the most part), everyone assumed I was just fine. So although it would have been nice to have someone ask how I was doing, at least, I hadn't given them any reason to think they needed to. One exception was an acquaintance who's been living with Stage 4 de Novo for years (not breast, but I'm not really sure where in her abdomen it started). She has been checking on me regularly, and has become one of my closest friends although we live in different states. So just saying, if people see you smiling, they're not as likely to ask how you feel.

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