Bad marriage even before diagnosis

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Amyadipose
Amyadipose Member Posts: 38
edited August 2019 in Family and Family Planning Matters

I'm looking at this as the kick in the pants I need to get out. I'm convinced the stress of holding back my true self and emotions for 10 years is what brought this on to begin with. He's the king of good intentions but very immature and is dying to make this about him asap. I feel if my environment changed, I'd heal much quicker, but moving and a separation during this time won't be a picnic either. I feel like I may be stuck for another year or so , but then again if things go wrong, I'll regret living my last years where I don't want to be, still bottling up my feelings.

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  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited May 2019

    FWIW, there isn't evidence that stress causes cancer.

    That said, it's a gift to have this information so clearly now. Even if you end up waiting to act on it, it's probably a good idea to set up meetings now with a lawyer who can give you information and advice and a therapist who can support you emotionally through the process.

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  • L-O-R-I
    L-O-R-I Member Posts: 114
    edited May 2019

    y2Q3AbBbSF198mV0wEV6CspkykUdw4ugO6WojJ61agJ4CmTgdkCVRc&h=AT0iPmohYTL4trvWhN7qIUy3gnmfjLqvvAA0RtIz1iZZngebzSPgmLF_8S8NIDDvwhwmOcGNeNVnQy3hKJIrPdVaZ2RW3pQEf28Llv9AKyBkUKSKyO2qsEu0MH-JSaLlq3Y

    Hi Amyadipose,

    An interesting read!  I agree with your "Kick in the Pants" theory.  Swing into action!!  You will be proud of yourself if you do.  There are men who take and take and take until you are left with nothing to  give even to yourself, and then there are those who don't "take you to death".  If you have a breast cancer diagnosis and that isn't enough for him to make EVERYTHING about you, then he never will.  10 years is long enough.  If he doesn't put you first right now, then make sure that he has no input into your treatment, because his recommendations will be, once again, shallow and about himself.  You sure don't want to look back, after you leave him, and say to yourself "Why did I let him have any say in MY treatment?  It's MY body!!"  Whether you have 2 years left or 30 years left, you deserve to be happy and not bottling up your feelings!  You are the only one that you can change.  You've had 10 years of attempting to encourage him to meet your minimal standards and it hasn't worked.   Your head must be getting pretty sore!  lol   Hope I haven't been too forward for you :)     Lori


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  • Amyadipose
    Amyadipose Member Posts: 38
    edited May 2019

    not at all, totally agree. We went out for a bit last night to meet friends, he got tanked in an hour, I ended up driving him home. What's maddening is he didn't understand why this bothers me today. "That was yesterday, why are you still dwelling on it?" This sums up our whole 10 years. Insert different disappointments and broken promises

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  • Amyadipose
    Amyadipose Member Posts: 38
    edited May 2019

    Salamandra, there are links to stress creating a hormonal imbalance, raising cortisol levels, causing excessive levels of estrogen, hence her2 positive

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  • Toyamjj
    Toyamjj Member Posts: 151
    edited May 2019

    Amyadipose, I can relate. My husband is mean and abusive(towards me), I made the choice to leave once our children were out of the house. i have two years left before our daughter graduates highschool. And yes I believe his toxic energy has contributed to the cancer. My saving grace is that he travels a lot for work so I get a nice regular break from him and I enjoy it. He's very surly not sure what I ever saw in him, but I was young and dumb (met in college). I did however get three wonderful children out of it so for that I am forever grateful. I have a few great girlfriends that know what I go through so that helps. I will admit I'm afraid of how insurance will get handled in a divorce, having had cancer clearly I need medical benefits. Ive been fortunate enough to stay at home for the entire time of our marriage (22 yrs) and my husband makes a great living but I read somewhere that once you divorce you are no longer eligible for benefits.

    Life is short, get out as soon as it makes sense to leave, wishing you the best!!!


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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited May 2019

    It’s totally tough to make a clean break but I agree that after 10 years of marriage you should have a good idea of who you are really married to. What happened to the marriage vows for better or worse? I think this despicable disease can tell you a lot about your spouse. It’s not easy for him and it sure isn’t easy for you but now is the time to put his big boy pants on and take care of you for a change.

    I promise you this with absolute certainty I would rather be alone than deal with someone who is all about him. When does it become about you? If not now in your hour of need then when? You deserve the best. Don’t sell yourself short.

    Diane

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  • prehistoricmom
    prehistoricmom Member Posts: 63
    edited August 2019

    (I am not a lawyer 😀)

    you can totally have health care benefits written into divorce settlement

    tell your lawyer early & often you must have coverage ❤️

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