I am really tired and angry!

Yeah, isn’t cancer PTSD fun?! While, I think you’ll have to talk yourself off the edge more often now, the frequency should subside over time.

My first thought is usually new/more cancer too but I make sure to consider what’s most likely as well. A pulled muscle is much more likely to cause my neck pain, than cancer in my neck and upon further checking (follow up and neck ultrasound for a thyroid issue), a pulled muscle is exactly what I had.

It will get easier.

Syringa

Well done for being proactive. You saw a mole. You got it checked out. You got it taken off. Good. What more else could you have done? Nothing. It's natural to be vigilant after such a shocking experience.

Your first doc wasn't in a hurry, which is a good sign, but you were proactive when you heard it had to be removed. Good.

I'm a few years ahead of you. As time goes on, BC recedes into the back mirror.

Alice

I am not happy today either, I have had four surgeries in a month 5 in the past two months if you count core biopsy. I am in pain, sick of the hole thing have four doctor appointments next week so far, this is taking up my whole life. I want to go see my mother in Az. She and I were going to play Bingo when I went out there but then all this came up. We spend our Birthdays together this time of year. I missed it she is 89 and I want to spend time with her. She won't come live with me, she likes being in her own home and I understand that. It's about the only thing we agree on but we love each other and like Bingo and the slots. Turned out I had Bilateral cancer in multiple areas of both breast and both IDC and ILC so that makes it invasive mammary. Go figure. Oh I am sorry your having a ruff time of it right now. But hey we will pull it together because that's just what we do.. Hang in and feel better.

Syringa, as the previous comments show, we are all in a similar situation: we have been forced to confront the fact that very bad things can happen to us, and it is really hard to forget that lesson once it has been learned. So we become extra vigilant, and we worry. This is good when it prompts us to spot a potential problem and get it checked out, as you did, but constant worry and an inability to believe that "It will be OK" is no fun for anybody. Although the worry will likely diminish over time, I think you are right to be looking for a better way to deal with it now. I had (and still have) a slightly different problem -- I like to have some control over my life, and when I was bombarded with uncertainty and conflicting information during the process of diagnosis, it drove me right up the wall! Now, with treatment over, I am again faced with uncertainty as I wait to see if my cancer will come back. Did I mention that I'm not good with uncertainty? I am also not good at dealing with the stress that results from uncertainty, but I am getting better at it. Am I completely in control of my thoughts every minute of every day? OMG, NO! But I can enjoy my life, and when the bad thoughts come, as they inevitably do, I know some things that I can do to help me wrestle the nasty little things back into their box so I can slam the lid on it and get back to being a reasonably happy person. How do I do that? I learned a long list of unhelpful ways of thinking and feeling and acting, and how to deal with them, when I participated in a six-week stress management workshop led by a psychologist who specializes in working with cancer patients. In addition, I met several times with a social worker attached to the cancer center that provided my care to discuss what was working for me, what wasn't, and what I might do to cope when the stressful times come.

Your emotional distress is not a "weakness" that you must learn to put up with; from your description, it is a problem that is making your life very difficult. You deserve better. I suggest that you treat this as a problem that needs to be addressed, just as the mole needed to be taken care of. Tell your doctor, and anyone else who might be helpful, that you need to find someone who can help you deal with your worries. In the meantime, I will share the "homework" that the stress management workshop participants were given for the first week: 1. schedule some pleasant events; 2. practice relaxation; and 3. do some "self care" activities, such as exercise. In other words, be nice to yourself!

rockymountaingirl, I like the idea of doing something fun and self care, so am going to try that today.  

Syringa, I had a normal mammogram in January 2018, but something about my breast just didn't look right, so I went into my PCP in June last year. It was a good thing I did, because the mammogram in September 2018 was abnormal, and you are probably all too familiar with the whirlwind of testing, appointments, and surgery that followed. Because of my "sensitivity" I got treated a lot earlier than I would have if I'd waited until January 2019 for the next mammogram. 

I've struggled with fatigue, and a less than supportive work environment so I'm also tired and angry. I know stress isn't great for happiness and potentially my long term survival so then I stress about being stressed. I think the thing that has helped me the most was my oncologist's advice that any new symptom lasting less than two weeks probably isn't cancer. Even so I went in to urgent care when I got a strange swelling on top of my scar. The nurse who examined me was really sweet and told me the reasons why she didn't think it was anything serious. I followed up with my BS and he confirmed. But it was so helpful to go in and get it checked. I've decided if I'm concerned, it's ok to seek a professional opinion. 

I read in Love, Medicine and Miracles that the women who talked the most about their anxiety and depression actually had the best survival rates, so thanks for sharing what's going on for you. I haven't been able to make it to a support group yet, and hearing someone else is struggling too really helps me. 

Big, soft, gentle, hugs to every one today 

I understand your feelings very well. Only thing I can suggest is to utilize as many tools for self care as possible: meditating, exercise whatever brings you a sense of peace if only for a moment. Traumatic childhood created a life long habit of catastrophic thinking. Overcome much but when hit from multiple angles it feels impossible to rally yourself back. All I can say is reach out to others too. I’m awaiting a diagnosis. After 3 mammograms 2 ultrasounds and a biopsy, each time being told , it doesn’t look cancerous, suddenly I’m being sent to a breast surgeon for another biopsy and the message “It could be a benign hymangeona or it could be an angio sarcoma.” I cannot at this moment look up information about the angio sarcoma. I would die if fear. I had Bell’s Palsy this winter. It took 6-10 weeks to recover movement in my face. Then I lost a family member to cancer and then shelter in place for weeks. The routine 3D mammogram thrust me into the nightmare. I’m so afraid of what comes next. For you: it’s ok to have the feelings you have. You are not alone. I hope I too can rely on this community going forward.