Hurt feelings

So sorry about your daughter's attitude. I think she's trying to be in denial.

I know what you mean about people being dismissive. Some people don't want to say something pessimistic and others are being dismissive. So sometimes I ask questions, such as "what kind of BC did so-and-so have?" , "was it DCIS or IDC or something else"? , "was so-and-so hormone negative or hormone positive"?, "what treatment did so-and-so have"?

I'm always interested in knowing what type of BC someone had. Unfortunately, these people never know the details of so-and-so's BC. And for those who are intentionally dismissive, these questions often show them how little they know about BC (and they usually keep their mouths shut).

sattaylor, denial brings on odd behaviors sometimes. You say you 2 are close, I think that makes it worse. Denial may cause her anger and thoughts about how "her" life will change. She may be used to her being the one as the receiver of support-not the other way around.

We all know how you feel and what you'll be going through. So don't go to easter and don't call her. Silence speaks much louder than negative words. Hopefully it will wake her up to your needs. If she questions your silence tell the truth, that you need to avoid negativity and thoughtless comments to focus on your surgery and disease and how you will get through with positive thoughts and support.

I have an extremely supportive sister , and parents who worry about who will take care of them and have tried manipulation and negativity and guilt to get me not to move away from them to live close to my daughter. Long story. But the support from my sister really exposes the behavior of those I should avoid.

Think about your well being and don't lower your voice! Those who truly love you will see the error of their ways

I had the situation of feeling a *moderate* lack of support from my oldest, who is my step daughter whom I love very much, and whose mother passed away from BC about 5 years ago. She sort of withdrew. It was subtle. I really saw it was her mind seizing up with fear over another death (the only version of "I have cancer" she knows). Her mother was stage 4 de novo and had about seven years before she died. So the second assumption she probably made was, "this will be years before it gets serious; I better pace myself." I had a totally different cancer/stage than her bio mom but of course it is still natural that her mind would go to what it knew already. On top of all this, denial is part of her coping strategies.

I understood why she was a deer in headlights, and I did not take it personally. I had a very good response to treatment and things are back to normal for me. Very happy there is no issue between us because she is very dear to me!

SO... I would go the opposite direction.... attend Easter, be loving, bring a dish, happy attitude, and give her a huge hug.... and do not mention the cancer any more, unless she asks, or unless there is specific news (staging, treatment plan) to deliver. Keep it light and minimal. She will process things in her own time and ask questions.

You may have a great response and have decades more together, or you may not. I would play my cards as if this were a last easter to be remembered by and feel lucky if I get 15 more.

The only thing I can think of that would be worse than cancer is to be estranged from a child. If you two have been close in the past, and if she's basically a good egg in melt down, let it go.

Our input here is necessarily in the dark! We don't know what your daughter is generally like in response to life in general. Is she ordinarily compassionate and sympathetic when others are going through a rough patch? Is she narcissistic and self-centered, demanding more from others than she's willing to give herself?

You need supportive and caring people right now. It's your turn to receive. If you have the sense that you're going to need to soothe and pet and reassure your daughter through this, putting up with insensitive remarks and a dismissive attitude toward your needs, you might be better backing off from the relationship for a bit. On the other hand...and this is important...long, bitter, painful estrangements between family members can arise from a single incident that just escalates because of pride. No one wants to be the one to break the coldness and reach out.

It's your call. And don't hesitate to consult a counselor if things remain weird. There are a lot of free or insurance-covered services if you need them.

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure can add perspective.  I understand where you are coming from, I have a daughter who tends to be like that sometimes. Sounds like distance may be exactly what you need now.  We are so used to putting everyone else first, it is really hard to put ourselves first, but when diagnosed with cancer, that is exactly what we need to do. 

You will find a lot of support here! I know I did and continue to.  I also found the most helpful information that took away a great deal of stress, all because someone here found an article and took the time to attach a link or post about it.  

My daughter is the same as yours at times.  I wanted to tell her things and finally gave up because every time I mentioned something she didn't like, she would say something hurtful. (she has a family of her own) I learned to ignore that behavior, realizing that the only actions I can control are mine. I don't think my daughter even realized that things she said were so hurtful.  I know she loves me, we have a very close bond, so I don't confide my feelings about cancer to her, I confide in my sisters instead. I only talk about cancer with my daughter when she brings it up and I only say enough to answer whatever question she has. 

Sending you wishes for a successful surgery experience this week!  Remember, the members here care and understand!

I had two of my best friends who got mad at me because I asked them to call my husband or updates or visit my caringbridge.org journal site to find out how I was during tx instead. I explained that when they called and wanted an update sometimes I didn't want to review the storyline because I might not be thinking about the dx, and I needed those times when I wasn't thinking of it, for my overall mental health. Two years after tx ended one of them still told me how hurt she was that I "cut her off" during that time. She was a 55 year old woman! We are friends now, but I was pretty shocked by her reaction when I was fighting for my life.

I also had people tell me horror stories about their relative that died from BC, so after the first few weeks I stopped engaging people I didn't trust in my news. I also was very careful talking to patients in the "chemo room", since a few of them shared their own horror stories of Stage IV or recurrence and scared me.

This time in our lives is SURVIVAL. Do what you have to do to protect yourself, and relationships will sort themselves out in time. I always said if you scratch anger deeply enough you'll always find fear underneath. If someone acts angry about something, they are really covering up fear about something they are feeling and anger is the topmost reaction of that deep-seated fear. That doesn't justify your daughter's reaction, but she's sure afraid, from what I can see.

Hugs,

Claire in AZ

That was very insensitive of your daughter. I am wondering if she might be upset with you over something.

People generally seem to like to share that they know of someone who had cancer, and the outcome of that, when the subject is brought up.

Test

I'm sorry your daughter reacted and made the comment she did. Everyone handles the information in their own way and she might sadly be in denial and not want to think of yippy having this awful disease because cancer is a very scary topic for many and many don't know how to be supportive through it.

Thoughts and prayers that your relationship will improve!! Thoughts and prayers during your journey!!

~Katie 💗

I decided to be chipper and upbeat last year when I announced my BC on FB the night before surgery in July, and also the next day when I was out of surgery. Same for re-excision in August. Same for nephrectomy in September. Same for end of radiation in December. I got initial responses of "Oh, how awful" and one bizarre reply hoping that Mutual Friend X didn't see my post because she's lost people to cancer. WTF, who hasn't? But other than those responses, only one or two people (NOT family) ever asked how I was. And when there was a family gathering with all my in-laws a few days after I finished radiation, one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law said something about "Wow, lousy year." Others acted like they hadn't heard, except for one other brother-in-law who told Hubby that I was "all over Facebook with that stuff." I did find out later that one of them had called Hubby and asked how I was after a surgery - but the big dummy never told me! And why couldn't they ask me directly? Oh, and my only sister, who's not on FB, would sometimes text to ask how I'm doing, then turn around and complain about how needy I was. Sheesh.

You know who's been there for me? A friend with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. We were cordial but not close co-workers years ago, and friended each other on FB (but mostly just hitting "like" occasionally). She's been texting me all through it, and still now with the follow up tests (which are more frequent and nasty for the kidney). We've become close friends through texting, even though we don't live in the same state. And I sometimes wonder if she also needed someone in her life who has at least some degree of understanding what she's gone through for several years. I don't know what I'd have done without her. And her example has made me more attentive to friends going through any health or other problems.

Your Mom didn't get breast cancer because of anything she did or didn't do. The most healthy amoung us get this.

A couple months may not have made much difference. No one could feel my 2 tumors mine were discovered at my regular mammogram, they could have been there years before being detected on the mammogram. If I were you I wouldn't focus on your mother's actions not being soon enough. I would stop blaming your mother.

I had a friend whose sister did the same thing only she waited 6 months to address the lumps and it was sadly too late. She had massive doses of chemo and a MX but the cancer had spread. My friend was upset of course and he was a bit angry at her for waiting so long. She lived just long enough to be at her daughter’s wedding shower but died before her wedding.

I understand those feelings but let them go and as others have said take advantage of the time you have with your mother. I wish I could. I lost my mother over 10 years ago. Still miss her every day.

Diane

Children have the right to their own emotions about their own mother, and whether or not she may have contributed to her illness or a bad outcome, and whether or not they are pissed.

Some people drive themselves into pain or illness and this kind of self destructiveness is very hard for a loved one to witness. It may provoke anger and it may also trigger other grief or pain, from other times that parent failed to man up and deal.

My mother has a mental illness. Though i rationally know it's not her fault, nor within her control, it frustrates and disappoints me on a frequent basis. She could not help it, but still I had the right to a functional mother and I did not get that, and it plays out in many ways.

Most kids of impaired mothers basically run on empathy fumes because empathy and selflessness have been tested so frequently.