Narcissistic Mother

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Rosanne7
Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
edited June 2019 in Second or Third Breast Cancer

I have completed right mastectomy (Feburary 2019) so both natural breasts are gone. This is my second breast cancer recurrence & third new BC onset (combination new primary/opposite breast & recurrence @ prior mastectomy scar site).

Unfortunately, I am unable to cut off contact w/ a narcissistic mother; although managing to limit contact. Now blocking texts ("screaming" at one's daughter via text post-cancer diagnosis is not helpful, or normal.) However, I'm feeling demoralized after speaking w/ her by phone this weekend.... I don't understand why narcissistic women (like my Mom or med onc) -- are able to make me feel worthless, at least for a week or so!?! It's disruptive when there are time-sensitive"treatment windows" for surgery, chemo, etc. --

God, help me find Strength & wisdom to deal w/ upcoming Dr. consults -- medical oncology, radiation oncology. etc.

Unfortunately, the med onc I'm assigned to lies a lot (both verbally & in my medical record) to make herself look good. So I'll need to seek a second opinion... might anyone recommend a good medical oncologist in Manhattan for breast cancer?

I was dx'd w/ co-morbid heart disease (cardiomyopathy) concurrent w/ 1st round breast cancer -- so I'll need someone caring enough to consider overall health & well-being.... not just another robot who automatically prescribes toxic protocol without any actual thought or research.....

Thanks for listening, all !!!

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  • KBeee
    KBeee Member Posts: 5,109
    edited March 2019

    I am sorry you are dealing with so much. Any of the large medical centers would probably be a good place to start. Hoping you get a new plan in place soon.

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  • YoungTurkNYC
    YoungTurkNYC Member Posts: 334
    edited March 2019

    Rosanne7,

    So sorry about your situation with a narcissistic mother. You need to only take care of yourself at this time. It is perfectly acceptable to ignore your mother.

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2019

    Thank you, YoungTurkNY for your kind words !

    There's a saying that w/ some people "No good deed goes unpunished." Giving myself "permission" to not caretake my Mom (socially/emotionally) during Easter season will be a good starting gift to myself...

    Rosanne7

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2019

    Thanks KBeee,

    • I'm working w/ big hospital & reputable breast center. My oncology surgeon referred me to alternative med onc re. 2nd opinion; however, she's in private practice & doesn't take my insurance. So, the search continues...
    • Psalm 84: 11-12
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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    Did you give her up for Lent?

    (couldn't resist)

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2019

    Lol.... good one, Santabarbarian !!!

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited April 2019

    Update: Survived last week's consult w/ "toxic" med onc -- I was assigned to this practioner (on & off) for past 12 years, concurrent w/ three onsets of breast cancer.

    It's taken nearly a week to get my head straight & regain confidence.

    Med onc said that I have "no options" (other than re-radiating left breast mound) -- but wouldn't answer any of my questions.

    She also refused to run Oncotype Dx test (post-mastectomy) on wide area of cancer recurrence at skin/ exchange surgery scar site. Because I have co-morbid heart disease (cardiomyopathy/CHF) which worsened after radiation tx. 12 years ago, I'd like facts before agreeing to re-radiation of left side...

    Next week, I'll pursue appointment w/ new medical oncologist for 2nd opinion. I'm aware that I need to move on.... just feeling battle weary !!

    Roseanne7

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  • dtad
    dtad Member Posts: 2,323
    edited April 2019

    Rosanne7...Just wanted to comment on having a narcissistic mother. No one can understand unless they have one too. Mine has passed but I wanted to tell you that I get it! You need to block her out as much as possible. I understand there is some guilt associated with doing that but you come first! She will run you dry if you let her. Take charge of your health and be selfish! Good luck and keep us posted.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited April 2019

    you might look into proton rads.... I was treated at Procure in New Jersey and loved them....

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  • SuQu31
    SuQu31 Member Posts: 160
    edited April 2019

    Your post caught my eye as I have a similar difficulty with my mother and all the guilt that goes along with that. One thing I refused to feel guilty about was putting myself first and doing what was best for me after my cancer diagnosis and during my surgery recovery. (Of course I was made to feel guilty for that later!) dtad, you are correct that people who have not experienced this cannot understand it. Hugs to you, Rosanne7, and may you find the sort of love, comfort and peace you are missing from your mother elsewhere. We are here for you on this site. You are smart, strong and resilient - be strong for yourself and your future. Please keep us posted

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited April 2019

    Dear SuQu31, dtad, YoungTurkNY, KBeee & santabarbar,

    Thank you for your kind & encouraging words -- which no doubt I'll read again, from time to time...

    Sending you love & compassion -- not only for all that you've undergone as BC patients & Survivors, but especially for sisters who have suffered (often silently) w/ a narcissistic Mom.

    It's true -- other people can't really understand, unless they've experienced this!

    One of the best tips you've given me is to "beware" (& learn to ignore) the Guilt that is often off-loaded, unwittingly, by some who are unable to understand.

    This morning, at Easter service, my pastor spoke about importance of having the "experience' of forgiveness.

    Sadly, in relationships w/ "highly narcissistic" individuals, forgiveness is rarely offered or sustained. I'm thankful for the sustenance of my faith, friends & wonderful members I've encountered in this community !!!

    Rosanne7

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  • Christene502
    Christene502 Member Posts: 115
    edited April 2019

    Rosanne7

    I have a very narcissistic brother... I had enough and stopped all communication with him 10 years ago... Just recently my younger brother did the same. My narcissistic brother son won't even talk to his own dad....


    Why haven't you gone to Sloan or Columbia hospital in Manhattan? I went to Sloan for a second opinion in Commack.. Wasn't pleased how they treated me there. My Mom was treated for her ovarian cancer in the city, and she was pleased.

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited April 2019

    Christene502,

    It's sad to hear of all the pain your brother's malady has caused :(

    Glad to hear that your Mom found quality care for ovarian cancer in NYC. Hope you'll also find good providers that inspire will confidence for yourself & your healing !!

    I haven't tried MSK/Sloan yet -- but both mastectomies were done @Columbia --

    Roseanne7

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  • FaithFilledGirl
    FaithFilledGirl Member Posts: 17
    edited April 2019

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, Rosanne. I, too, have such mom. When I told her I was having breast issues and going for a biopsy at Christmas time she promptly told me she too had breast issues and told me all about her benign cysts. She never brought up the topic again or asked me how I was doing. When I was diagnosed with early stage IDC this January I made the decision to invite only positive thoughts & prayers into my treatment plan and not tell Mom about my diagnosis. My faith, Church, good husband, and friends have been wonderful support system and I do believe I made the right decision. God's many blessings to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited April 2019

    My soon to be 84 year old mother keeps telling what she wants after she is gone. At this point I might go before her. I listen to her but at the same time find it annoying.

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited April 2019

    Meow13,

    Ouch. Yes, sounds very difficult & annoying for you...!

    Hope you'll find someone who can support you & talk things over with. There may be something you might say to your mother when she does this... However, right now, I'm too burned out to think of what that might be --

    Good luck,

    Roseanne7

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  • Rosanne7
    Rosanne7 Member Posts: 48
    edited June 2019

    Update: A profound "Thank you !!!" (y Gracias) for your much needed encouragement.... I've made it successfully through surgeries & have begun hormonal tx. (AI = anastrozole).

    Docs were noncommittal re. chemo -- I did see 2nd opinion med onc (TC was offered... but decision left to me) --original med oncologist was unwilling to consider/discuss chemo for 2nd recurrence (to skin @scar site/ post-mastectomy).

    Left side re-irradiation was also "offered" -- but not strongly urged.

    Experienced inexcusable delays.... scheduling appointments (radiation onc consult), re-testing pathology slides for 2nd opinion, as well as accessing/transferring medical records crosstown NYC...

    All of this brings me to 120 days post-Surgery.

    Meaning that re-irradiation past this point may have "adverse effects". Another consideration: living w/ co-morbid heart disease, which may have worsened after left side breast radiation 12 years ago (can't prove this -- but exercise tolerance decreased & SOB (shortness of breath/dypsnea) increased.

    So, I've done my best & was able to access some treatment... Hope it will be enough !!

    Love,

    Roseanne7

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