Unafraid and waiting for results.

I have three lumps in my right breast. Though, I suppose, there were signs of things not being right for a while now I wasn't too worried because I had had lumps which came and went over the years, my nipples were always sensitive, and had had a trauma to the right breast three months prior so just put it down to bruising --- but then this one lump stayed and moved inwards and grew and seemed to develop a hard middle, my nipple inverted and my breast dimpled, and so I went to the doctors about it --- it took an age to get an appointment as is often the case with the NHS - he squeezed very gently but must have caught the lump at the wrong angle, I squealed and nearly hit the ceiling and he did a backward twirl and nearly jumped out of the window! Poor young man, in conversation it came out that his younger sister had died of cancer. He referred me to a consultant and I waited another two weeks - meanwhile that lump had grown a smaller twin and a further, rather uncomfortable lump had formed below, near my chest bone, now that did really worry me. My nipple ( from which blood had oozed after the trauma) ached ( coconut oil relieved that) and my breast just felt heavy, sort of drawing down. I live in the country and really, apart from an occasional family visit, only go out now to walk pups so I rarely wore a bra but I had to go and raid my knicker draw for some which I then wore day and night.

I went to the consultancy knowing that none of this was ok and I have little doubt, though the realisation has dawned slowly over a couple of months, that I most probably do have cancer. It is in the family and I do not possess a 'get out of jail free card'.

At first I told no-one about my concerns. Eventually I told a doggy walking younger girl friend, who had a little feel and thought ( hoped) that it was too soft to be a tumor, and then as slowly and gently as I could, I told my very close family - and still I am saying 'we don't know yet but be ready for it ...'. Now I tell anybody and everybody. I don't drive so rely on our village volunteer drivers therefore 'the village knows' so I am quite open about it when it is appropriate.

The Consultancy - Saturday 30th March 2019

My consultant is Nigerian, the receptionist told me that he was her favorite, with the biggest brownest kindest eyes that I have ever seen and so gentle but he said 'sinister'. I then sat in the waiting room ( and had a gossip with other waiting ladies) for a few minutes and then shuffled rooms to have a mammogram, I was afraid that since my lumps were uncomfortable to painful that the squeezing of my breast would be awful. It was not, not at all, I had no discomfort at all. Relieved, it was back to the waiting room ( for another gossip ( mainly about Brexit)) and then shuffled into a darkened room for an ultra scan- Mmmmm nothing under my arms, which was not a surprise since the lumps are all in the center ( I am still a bit worried about the one close to the chest bone). 'I'll have to do biopsies' said he 'I thought you might' said I with great trepidation. Meanwhile I cross questioned the nurse and know much about her life and her dreams First the local anesthetic which was no worse then the mildest of dentist ones ( I shall add that giving local anesthetics for biops is relatively new here, my poor sis had none) and that I was so relieved to have. The first three core biops were ok and then the fourth! I am not telling this for any other reason but to tell those who have not yet had one to make sure, to insist, that the doctor has pumped enough painkiller into every site they intend to take samples from. The last one must have been ( according to my cancer nurse) below the anesthetized site. I thought I had been shot! The shock of it! I had to sit up and did not know what to do with myself for what seemed an age. All good humour had deserted me --- 'He has shot me!' I said - as it was wearing off ( which it did very fast) 'He bloody shot me!' I said to the nurse looking her straight in the eye 'I know' she said as she tried to comfort me. I looked down at the site and said 'And he has stolen my nipple!' because poor thing had drawn itself in out of terror.

I reiterate. Where the anesthetic worked the experience was not bad but where it had not been administered fully it was a real body shock. I shall ask more questions about that ( for other people's future experience) when I go back.

Back to the waiting room, another gossip and saw two smiling ladies had the all clear, and then into the consultant again. This time he had two nurses with him, the first time it was just one. The new one will be one of the two cancer nurses who I may call on when ever I need to. We looked at the ultra scans. The lumps look tiny compared to how they feel and the one I feared was on my chest bone looked, to me, well clear of it. A bit of blaa blaa blaa and 'do you want to bring someone with you next time?' 'No' 'cos I don't like people fussing and I couldn't get out of there fast enough!

The poor gent who had driven me and waited all this time was in the outta waiting room - I started walking faster and faster and shouted 'RUN!' 'get the f'''' out of here!' and I ran for the door backwards laughing as he with his new knees tried to run for it.

I am bruised and sore, of course but no more than would be expected.

I go back on the 10th April for results. Meanwhile, the following day was quite a full one travelling on packed trains full of football fans and doing a lot of walking ( it was Mother's day here and my daughter took me out for a meal) but yesterday I just sank, tired. I did walk pups in the morning, they were terrible, a tiny devil got into them both, nearly pulling my arm off ( which made the aching worse) but then we all went to bed and watched junk TV for the rest of the day --- they had a walk later with someone else - and I am still in bed but feeling brighter today and about to get up and do some nice things.

I was three months off getting a law degree after studying for four years but have had to defer because I just can't study full time and cope with what ever is coming now.

Update after the 10th.