Cancer/Chemo and dealing with MIL

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Notodayjunior
Notodayjunior Member Posts: 5
edited March 2019 in Family and Family Planning Matters

I was married in 2002. We have 3 children. My husband is supportive and overall great. My MIL has been negative and insensitive ever since we met in 1994. She is like this with everyone though.

My diagnosis with BC has not slowed her comments down even a bit. She has called me twice to chat, each time I was recovering from surgeries and was called while on speakerphone with strangers. She asks when I will be back to normal, if I am worried about pain but offers no comfort. The grand slam was when she asked me if I was worried I would look fat after chemo.

At one point we were stuck and she came to help with my kids during chemo and made my husband and I feel like it was the highest inconvenience. Wont make that mistake to ask her ever again.

My problem is that the filter I have had to ignore etc...her is done. I actually had one moment when I almost hit her, it was the last chemo appointment. My husband is wonderful and so apolgetic for his mother. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with someone who makes comments like this? She is in my life so I cant just cut her out.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    I had a similar MIL and the only thing that works is not being cowed by any of it, and having FIRM boundaries.

    BTW, screw the filter! There is no prohibition against saying "Wow, that's so hurtful," or (more subtly) "What a bizarre thing to say." Or (more vindictively) "I guess old people do start to lose track of how to treat others." "You are so negative, I am taking a rest from you." "Are you picking a fight? Because I don't have the energy." "I have no filter these days, so I am leaving before I say what I am really thinking."

    My point is, you can be firm & clear without smacking her or losing your dignity. I bet part of her perennial crap behavior is never being busted.

    The key is she is a self-centered bratty toddler, and you are a grownup, and you do not tolerate the behavior. Take away her power, and reclaim it for yourself. If she calls, don't pick up!! Screen those calls!! Or use your medical card: "Sorry, I can't come, I am not supposed to be around people/germs"

    If you think commenting like this will escalate things, you can just glare at her, shake your head dumbfounded, and leave the room, go for a walk, or uber home from the restaurant. You do NOT have to put up with a snotty MIL. Your H can hang out with her without you.

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  • Gonnabeatthis
    Gonnabeatthis Member Posts: 73
    edited March 2019

    I had an aunt that never had anything good to say to me EVER! I finally cut her out of my life completely. It was years ago, before BC, I can only imagine what her comments to me would be now! She passed away a few years ago. I went to the funeral (not the wake) because I caved to pressure from my sister.

    My MIL and FIL are great and very caring, always checking to see if we need something at the store, preparing meals after my surgery etc. I am very grateful for this aspect and the love I feel from them. Unfortunatley my MIL can be smothering and nosy! She asks very personal questions and if I answer it is shared with other family members. When I recently had my haircut very short due to losing it she asked for a photo. It seemed innocent enough. I have since found out that she share it with her sister, bother, sister-in-law and other friends. Not a good picture and certainly didn’t want it shared with just anyone! When I wore a hat to her house she wanted to see it in person. Not comfortable, by this time I had multiple bald spots. I've learned to be vague or just say I'm not going to answer or say no. Before we were married she told me she would love a grandchild announcement for Christmas! We were't even engaged! I spoke with my now husband and he handled it. We don’t have kids and I’m not sure if she ever mentioned it again, but she never mentioned it to me again. Now when she gets too bad I enlist him and he deals with her, or speaks to his dad to have him mange her (he’s way better at it and gets that she is being overly nosy). She is like this with all of her kids and significant others ages55,54 and 49! Can your husband speak to her and explain that her insensitivity is not acceptable?


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