I hate you BC!!

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Hope0813
Hope0813 Member Posts: 14
edited March 2019 in Young With Breast Cancer

Hello everyone,

I was diagnosed with this horrific disease at my current age of 36, just a couple of months ago. I have a now 5 month old baby and I hate what it's done to us. It's taken away time I have to spend with my little girl because all I do is obsess over Dr. google, forums, news, posts, anything that can help me wrap my mind around this and explain why the fuck I got it. I'm sorry for my language. I'm so angry. I still haven't accepted it. My mastectomy w/reconstruction has stolen 6 weeks of time I have to lift up my little girl, to hold her and help strengthen the emotional bond because I have to recover. Instead I watch my husband and family members take care of what I'm supposed to be doing as a new mother. I haven't fully understood the feeling of being a new mother because breast cancer stole the beginning of it from me (the most precious time). It robbed me of the choice and the plan for a second baby. We can't afford embryo freezing and it's not even guaranteed to work. And I can't confidently refuse chemotherapy without the fear of dying. This is so unfair. I'll go straight into menopause, my youth gone, robbed blind of everything I took for granted. I feel like someone jinxed me, haters perhaps. Am I being foolish?

I just want my old life back, my hopes, my dreams of planning for the future, living, loving, enjoying life. I regret every stupid bullshit resentments I've had in the past over trivial things. I look back and think of days I would get upset over something stupid, stress or argue with loved ones and hate myself. What the hell was I thinking? My life was a fairytale. Everything was just beautiful, just perfect.

And they tell me be strong for your family, don't put them through stress. How dare you? Do you have any idea what I'm going through? How dare you tell me how to feel. I wasn't prepared for this and of course I will do everything in my might to stay alive for my daughter and my husband but you don't get to tell me how to feel.

I'm so hurt, living in darkness. Not wanting to get out of bed most mornings, finding no happiness in anything but my my daughter's eyes. A beautiful life stolen from me, from what was my prime. I hate you breast cancer

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  • YoungTurkNYC
    YoungTurkNYC Member Posts: 334
    edited March 2019

    Hi Hope,

    Every single feeling that you have is completely and absolutely normal and valid. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other. People say very stupid things to cancer patients/survivors because they simply do not understand. Feel free to ignore their "advice"!

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited March 2019

    I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age, and at such an important time in your life. I am so sorry for everything that this disease is taking from you and putting you through. You have every right to be angry.

    Sending you strength to get through this time and every wish for a lifetime of joy with your daughter.

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  • Hope0813
    Hope0813 Member Posts: 14
    edited March 2019

    Thank you beesie and YoungTurkNYC. I’m sorry we all have to go through this. Thank goodness for this blessing of an outlet to express our thoughts and emotions

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited March 2019

    hope...before my cancer diagnosis, I, too, was a young mother whose life was shaken, not once but twice. I had emergency life saving operations. Couldn’t hold my kids. Couldn’t take care of them on my own for months! And while I lived through those nightmares, all I wanted was for my kids to be old enough to have memories of their mother. The good kinds of ememories. Kind of put all of that nonsense in my life that occurred before into perspective. My life before was also a fairytale and I had hardly noticed it before those heartbreaking experiences. I would have given anything NEVER to have experienced what I had experienced. But....those experiences were bittersweet. They didn’t harden me. Instead, they made me appreciate more than I could have imagined every milestone in my children’s lives. And, when my breast cancer diagnosis occurred, I cussed. And, I wondered, again?Haven’t I been tested enough already? Was i really that strong? Did i even want to be that strong?


    I hope you will get to that new normal soon. It is a journey, no doubt. But when you do get there, I promise it will be sweeter than you ever could have imagined. And that daughter of yours.......she will propel you to new heights of happiness that you never knew could exist.....None of us need be strong. We just need to be kind and gentle with ourselves. And patient. You will see, life will begin again to unfold around you and you will once again be smiling...



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  • Parrynd1
    Parrynd1 Member Posts: 408
    edited March 2019

    When I was still just stage 3 my period came back not too long after chemo. Would you be able to start saving for embryos to possibly harvest and use in the future? It may be able to be done after chemo is finished and some time has passed. I was 29 when I finished chemo and mostly returned to normal functioning body parts after systemic treatment. There’s other ways to have more kids as well if you are open to adoption or a surrogate. It’s so damn expensive though, even if you have someone volunteer to be your surrogate (my bff has volunteered for us though we haven’t had to money to start it with the embryos we saved) there is a lot of costs involved and insurance doesn’t typically cover medical costs for a surrogate unless they use their own.

    Cancer is a thief. I often say f u cancer! It’s a hard shitty disease that really messes with you emotionally almost as much as physically. At least for me anyways. Hope you can get some positives through all this. Hindsight is 20/20 - you had a great life before so maybe you can work to find or learn how to have a pretty good life now. Like it’s that easy, lol. I’m still trying to accept cancer in my life and my body because of it.
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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    The unfairness and awfulness of getting cancer is beyond dispute. Most women, especially women your age, will never experience any of this. Yet, at random and for NO reason, it happened to you, and to me, and to everyone on this site. A cell mutated and that's that. A freak event.

    I think all of us recognize that young women with BC is the cruelest possible blow.

    I promise that you are more resilient than you know. You have far more power than you know. You will discover all your hidden strengths... just because you HAVE to. No, this is not fair, but it can yield great wisdom, perspective, an intense ability to live in the moment with JOY, and a deep appreciation for things that most other people take for granted. A fully-aware person can have more joy every single day. That's a hidden gift... but it can take a while to get to it. Your life WILL become more beautiful, rich and vivid. You already have realized a piece of this, by realizing how perfect things were prior to your diagnosis... well, the minute you are through treatment, your life can return to that picture: you, your H and your baby, living well together, relishing those normal days.... and you will be FULLY aware of the beauty of this simple, normal life. Moreso than anyone else your age possibly could be. Your baby will get a mother who has great wisdom and perspective, and thankfulness and zest for life, which will benefit her hugely in the long run.... as hard as that may be to imagine right now.

    Whenever I begin to feel extremely sorry for myself, the universe usually sends me a signal to knock that off. Like, I will pass someone in my car who is struggling to cross the street on crutches with lame legs. Or I'll see the woman who lives in my neighborhood with horrible burn scars on her face walking her sweet little dog. Literally every time I start to go south, I get a poke that says: other people have horrors happen to them, too. Nobody is immune to a cruel twist of fate. I am reminded that I am lucky in ways I cannot imagine, just to have a full circle of people that love me and have my back.

    Can you bring your baby into your bed when you rest, to snuggle with her? Can you let someone else pick her up but then give her to YOU to feed or rock? Get a boppy to prop her up, if your body is sore? Wear her in a soft frontpack or sling when you take a walk? Put her crib or basinette where you can watch her sleep, play peekaboo, or sing to her when she wakes? I think the more you can cuddle, tickle, kiss, hold, and play with her, the better you will feel. You are RIGHT to be jealous of others getting the time with her that you WANT. So take back whatever you can. Soon, you will be able to reclaim more and more of it.

    I can't imagine the particular pain of being young with this disease. But I can tell you how deeply healing it is to fill up your heart with love and connection and being the giver to your little girl. When you provide pleasure and love to your baby, this will help to heal the pain you are feeling.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    PS I did not even meet my step daughter till she was 2, and yet we bonded beautifully. Babies are pure souls and they will bond with anyone offering them love, attention, and security. There is no one path to a close relationship. How much you want to relish your daughter shows me the sort of mom you are-- your baby is lucky to have you!!

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  • Hope0813
    Hope0813 Member Posts: 14
    edited March 2019

    Thank you Santabarbarian! I appreciate your response. Your words are very kind and thoughtful.

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  • beeline
    beeline Member Posts: 308
    edited March 2019

    Hope, I would also add that there are lots more precious moments to come. My daughters are 8 and 5 and I don’t know if I have even hit the “most” precious moments with them. This not all all to take away from your anger at the f***ing unfairness of this disease, especially with your daughter still a baby. I feel that, too. There is nothing about this diagnosis that does not completely suck. But you will have many more moments with your daughter and you will cherish them. Hugs to you.


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  • JanetMara
    JanetMara Member Posts: 179
    edited March 2019

    hello Hope0813

    I have read that cancer diagnosis at a younger age than 50 has a better chances of recovery and I am sorry that it happened while your baby is still a newborn,I know it hurts a lot but be tough,pray a lot,my prayers for you and your baby as well as your husband. Try to avoid sugar because even if you go chemo, and if you eat sugary foods and drinks,it feeds and sustains cancer; without sugar,it starves the cancer cells. I know that ONCOLOGIST do not recommend anything else but chemo,radiation and surgery but they do not educate their cancer patients about nutrition.Just so sad.

    My prayers for you.

    Juamara

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  • Parrynd1
    Parrynd1 Member Posts: 408
    edited March 2019

    Adding on to Juamara said about sugar. When I was first diagnosed stage 4 I immediately went on the Keto diet (high fat, moderate protein, low low carbs). I still saw progression in the lung tumors. Every scan was 1mm bigger. I hated the super strict diet so I went back to my old ways. Well over the 6 months off my tumors started growing by 3-5mm at least, by each scan. I don’t know if it was a coincidence, but I just started Keto back up so it will be interesting to see my next scan results. If there’s a chance depriving the cancer of sugar or food by diet helps at all it’s worth a shot in my opinion. I do have a cheat day once a month, but don’t go crazy (today i has some peeps)and exceptions for major holidays. I feel good about it, it’s right for me and makes me feel proactive in my approach to this f*ing disease.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    One word about keto-- the very best keto is 85% above-ground veggies/berries and small amounts of animal foods (fish meat dairy). The typical Atkins diet is too much meat and cheese. The way to begin is just make 3/4 of your plate veggies, and get rid of "empty" carbs (those without a lot of nutrition like sugar and white bread, pasta). That alone is a big step in the right direction.

    xox

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  • Parrynd1
    Parrynd1 Member Posts: 408
    edited March 2019

    I’ve also noticed it’s easy to eat bad fats which could really raise your cholesterol if you aren’t careful

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  • RRBreak
    RRBreak Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2019

    Yeap,it is very sad to be youny with Breast Cancer. My aunt is a BC patient, too.

    She ofer buy mastectomy bra or breast form online cause there are few shop to buy these things in our town.

    Here are two website she ofer shop:

    mastectomyshop.com

    newchic.com

    Hope it can help others.


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