Unsupportive spouse

That stinks....... there are some grants that help pay bills for cancer patients if you search around.....

While you're home can you try selling things online? That's kind of lame but spring is coming up and you could do "spring cleaning." It probably wouldn't yield too much but at least he would feel like you're doing something? Maybe there is some temp admin work you can do from home?

My suggestions don't mean he's not being an asshole, just maybe something like that could help ease some of the tensions..?

I'm sorry for what is happening to you. It is outrageous. The silent treatment is cruel and manipulative... It's like being ghosted in the same house. Indeed, it indicates the much sicker person in your house is HIM. I suspect your H has been an awful jerk prior to this, because this kind of behavior does not spring up overnight. "A new low" also seems to indicate this is not the first time he's been awful. He sounds like a narcissist and a control freak who is melting down to have anything deeper asked of him, and who is freaking out because you have had to stop making things easy for him and catering to his needs, even temporarily. It's clearly all about HIM and his comfort-- and he can't reciprocate. With some people, it is never the other person's "turn."

Please do not spend any more energy protecting him, or trying to reduce his irritation. Please confide in someone reliable who you love, who loves you too. It sounds like when the going got tough, he fell apart and showed how weak and selfish he really is... and in my opinion, that is not something that gets better. It just gets placated.

You, however, *will* get better. You will bring in money again. You will get back to your core self, who cares for others. I am afraid he's showing you his core is not strong, and not kind, and not reliable. You don't mention your kids' ages, but if they are out of the house I would seriously consider staying with a family member, so at least I wasn't getting mistreatment on top of chemo/cancer. I'd be tempted to disappear and not say where I went and let him dangle.

If the kids are small, just ignore him back. Pretend he does not exist. He is deliberately trying to HURT you into taking care of him again in your old style. You do not have to participate in that game.

Focus on the people who have your back and love you. I'd say, "I will heal and get better -- but I am afraid you are a lost cause, as there is no medicine for lack of character."

PS sometimes we put up with outrageous crap from other people because in early life we got the message that we were supposed to ignore someone else's bad behavior, or try to solve it by being the perfect need-free child.

Cancer, for better or for worse, opens our eyes to people in our lives who basically NEED us to caretake THEM-- permanently!-- without reciprocation. I realized that my parents and my sister (though they are all three kind to me, and I believe *wished* to help me) were quite poor at it. They all got very rattled by me not being the strong one, the "coper," the girl scout, the person who handled things and had no needs!! I was GROOMED to be that person, and they all flipped out somewhat when I was the needy, hurting one and it was my turn to RECEIVE. I am the eldest, and my sis *simply could not* step in to take care of me in the way I was hoping for (her handling things, like figuring our a meal, and me lying around). She just could not step out of her baby sister "she's got this" role. It was surprising but in fact it was a lesson that helped me see my family of origin and myself with more clarity.

Meanwhile, my kids and my friends were STELLAR. People flew across the country to be there for my chemos. When I talked about this with one of my pals, she said, well of course your friends did better-- because you PICKED your friends!

So sorry your husband is being a jerk. What happened to the wedding vows...in sickness and in health...or does that apply to everyone else and the words were rehearsed and meaningless?I’m sure he never expected this to happen but neither did you. The reactions of some husbands when it’s their turn to be the caregiver or at the very least a helper is appalling. You nor your kids deserve this. He should be ashamed.

I agree with others I would talk to someone who can help you to deal with your situation. You are between a rock and a hard place. You have so much on your plate. I’m glad you have family support. I know you don’t want to rat him out to your family but there may come a time when either they find out or you tell them. He has to earn your respect. He needs to grow up and be a man, a father and a husband.

Good luck.

Diane

your life is on a roller coaster right now but so is his. I am waiting for my biopsy results right now. but I have been on the other side twice in the past 6 years with my husbands cancer and his open heart surgery.  He doesn't want to talk about it he never did. wanted to handle everything himself like it was only him going thru this. It's hard to watch someone you love go threw cancer. Sometimes they just want to help but seem like there left out. Sometimes words come out the wrong way!!

Shay, sorry for what you're going through. We are here for you, and while you don't need to tell the collective “family and friends" please try to find one trusted person you can confide in. Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Is he the one claiming you should not leave the house? If so, you are being treated like a child. As an adult, you have the right to come and go as you please. If getting out of the house will help lift your spirits, you need to do that.

Your marital relationship is in need of a major overhaul. It's not going to get better overnight. My husband was supportive of me after diagnosis but our relationship has changed in the past 8+ years since that time. I began to recognize how often I minimized my life, my needs and my opinions. I began to realize how often he ignored what I said, but if someone else came along and said the same thing as I did, he placed so much more importance on it. I also recognized that sometimes I would make comments that he didn't listen to, and then within the next day or two make the same comment as I had and act like he'd come up with the thoughts himself. I started calling him out on it all the time. I would say, “I just told you that yesterday (or last week, etc.) I'd allowed myself to take a back seat to his life and prioritize what he thought was important. It seemed like in order for him to feel good about himself, he needed me to be less so he could be more. Gradually, I've learned to speak up for myself. We've really had our go-rounds as I've worked towards having a more balanced relationship but I am standing up for me.

As wives, we do so much for our husbands. It cannot be just a one-way street. Day by day, you need to learn that you are every bit as important as your husband and your kids. And, this sounds counterintuitive to what I just wrote, but try to find time each week to do something positive with your husband. If it's watch a good movie together, take a walk or drive, a short visit with a mutual friend or even a simple ride to the grocery store for snacks. He may not be dealing with your bc diagnosis maturely and is even being mean, but he's still having to deal with the issues on his own level. Try to find a common ground with him while not giving up yourself in the process. And thank him every day for little things. “Thanks for mailing that letter." “Thanks for carrying the laundry basket upstairs.""Thanks for dropping the kids off." It's something my husband and I have learned to do to show each other we notice the positive things the other one does during the day that, even tho they are small things, they add up. My best wishes to you.

Only a narcissists would call someone going through chemotherapy incompetent because they are not able to work during it and only an abusive spouse would prohibit their partner from leaving the house.

Is he like this to the kids as well?