So what was that about?

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kber
kber Member Posts: 394
edited March 2019 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I have a site on CaringBridge.  I've found it really useful to be able to update everyone once, rather than having to repeat myself over and over, which I found to be emotionally exhausting.

Over the weekend, I guess one too many people told me how great I was doing, and I kinda let loose with an update / rant about the more annoying side effects of chemo.  You know, painful and ugly nails, no eyelashes, leaking face, bad breath from thrush (yuck), early menopause symptoms, nose bleeds.  I could go on, but I'm preaching to the choir here and you all are already very familiar with what goes down.  I didn't even get into the more serious stuff like bone crushing exhaustion, or the potential for nerve damage and heart damage.  I guess I just wanted to communicate that, no, I'm not "fine", this is not "normal" and even the petty little stuff is damned annoying.  I mean, in a "normal" context, losing all your facial hair and coping with nightly nosebleeds would be something we'd consider a serious impact to health and quality of life.  It's only in the context of, you know, cancer, that it seems small.

Well, I'm not sure what I expected, but my support community has pivoted from "Wow, you're doing so well!" to "OMG, are you dying???"   I may have gone overboard and scared some people.  No, I'm not dying from nose bleeds and ugly nails.  No, losing your eyelashes is not a fatal condition.  But it is real, disconcerting, and another indignity of this stupid disease that needs to be dealt with.  

And now I'm spending the last two days fielding calls and texts from folks checking in on me to make sure I'm OK.  Serves me right.  

I count myself lucky that there are people who are rooting for me and maybe it wasn't fair to dump all this on them.  I know I'm emotional and moody right now and probably hard to deal with.  But honestly, I just couldn't handle one more person telling me "how well I'm handling all this".  

But rather that climb up on the roof, stomp my feet, and shout "NO!  I AM NOT OK!", maybe it would have been better to just say "No, I'm not OK right now.  But I will be."  Which I believe is the truth.




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  • CaliKelly
    CaliKelly Member Posts: 474
    edited March 2019

    Hey, you go girl! Let it out😤😬Cancer treatments SUCK, I know exactly how you feel. I was obsessed with presenting a positive, this is no big deal, attitude to my family and friends, the only one who heard the complaining was my husband, but many times I felt like doing what you did😂. I'd spend hours doing my makeup to try to disguise the lack of brows and lashes, and no one ever saw me bald! So no one really knew the impact it was having on me. I think it's better to let it out once in awhile, like you did. Now I'm 3 years from my mastectomy, feeling pretty darn good, with hair,and eyelashes! 💖

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  • kber
    kber Member Posts: 394
    edited March 2019

    Thanks, CaliKelly, for the encouragement!  And for a glimpse into a brighter future!  I am generally an incurable optimist and my nature is to make the best of things.  Right now I'm determined to put on the best face for my kids.  The adults in my life get whatever is left over.  Some days I have more reserves than others.  I guess Monday was the day the well ran dry.  Now I actually feel a bit sheepish about it, with the whole world rushing about to make sure I'm ok.  In my mind, I keep replaying the scene with the knight from Monty Python, Search for the Holy Grail: "I'm not dead yet!"  

    I also find it a bit amusing that it was a list of the "small" things that seems to have struck such a chord with people and made them sit up and take notice.  Ah well, I can't really complain about people worrying about me, can I?  

    Here is to happier (and hairier!) days ahead!

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