Anyone else feeling angry tonight?

Not sure why it’s hitting me tonight, but I’m feeling angry.. angry that cancer has invaded my body, not once but twice.. angry that my entire life now revolves around pills, scans and appointments.. angry thinking I’ll never get the chance to retire.. angry that because I’m single, I have no choice but to work even if I don’t feel up for it.. angry that this damn disease could very well financially bankrupt me.. angry that I’ll never be able to travel like I imagined.. I’m just angry. Tomorrow is another day and perhaps the anger will subside, but tonight I’m angry. <sigh

I understand! You are not alone. I try to stay positive and live moment to moment, yet it doesn't always work. Sometimes the anger and sadness creep in and it can be tough to shake. I hope you wake up feeling better. ~More hugs sent your way.

Thank you, everyone. I can't tell you how much it means to have my feelings validated. Very few people in my world know of my first diagnosis and even less of the second (have my reasons why) so there are times that I feel very alone in this. Thank you for being there and understanding.

KarPC - Like you, I try to stay positive about all of this, I really do, but last night I was just frustrated and angry. This diagnosis is definitely a wild roller coaster of emotions. No one understands until you hear those “you have stage iv cancer".

Sadiesservant - love the name btw! . Yes, I totally understand.. and it's completely frustrating. I work my tail off and when coworkers start complaining about little things, in my mind I'm thinking, if you only knew (they don't know about either dx by my choice).

Daylily15- I'm so feeling you this week. When I was in treatment the first time, yeah, it was tough, but it was 6 months. After that was over, my life continued on like normal. This stage iv crap is for the birds. The thought that this is my new normal.. constant pills.. constant appointments.. constant worry over upcoming scans is almost too much to handle.

I am very grateful for your thoughts, hugs and understanding. Sending loads of hugs and positive energy to all of my bc sisters and brothers. May this weekend bring peace, tranquility and renewal.

Hi Jill ~ I totally feel you and understand where you are coming from. I’ve also struggled with the “why me” and “what did I do to deserve this?”. I’ve spent many nights laying awake in bed, crying, pondering those same questions. I finally decided there was no answer for them and all I was doing was torturing myself. I totally get the questions though.

I hope one day I’ll understand the “why” of all of this. Right now, it doesn’t make much sense to me. But I’ve decided that I’m going to put those thoughts on a back burner and not think about them now.

Now I want to concentrate on living my life on as much of my terms as I can. I try not to let the crap part of this diagnosis take over too often, but as you can see from my original message, it does happen... I let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling and then I make a deliberate step to imagine myself putting all of those thoughts and feelings in a pot, putting it on a back burner and putting a lid on them. It might me silly, but then imagery helps me.

During the treatment of my original diagnosis, a social worker told me “ you can visit pity land but you aren’t allowed to pitch a tent”. I don’t think it’s actually pity I feel.. it’s sadness, it’s anger, it’s fear.. so I allow myself a day/a weekend to feel them as much as I want.. and then I pick myself up, dust myself off, neatly roll up my tent and carry on.

Wishing all of my bc sisters and brothers peace, love and tranquility

I somehow ended up on this thread today. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself because I "don't feel good"'. Then I read your posts and I remember the things that I am grateful for. Hopefully you will take this as intended, that I am grateful.

I'm old. I will turn 75 on Wednesday. My 2 kids are grown. Never had to struggle with cancer with young kids. My heart aches for those of you who just want to be there for your kids to grow up. I have a really supportive husband who sits through chemo with me. And I have good insurance. I have lived to see 6 grandchildren. One is 22, two are 21, two will be 13 next month and Michael turned 10 last Tuesday. Yes i have two sets of grandchildren twins. I finally retired last November after a very long career in real estate. I do not have to get up every morning and go to work whether i feel good or not. We've traveled a lot, but I just had to cancel a cruise we booked a year and a half ago. Sad about it, but I've done so much that most people never get a chance to do. So I need to spend time in a gratitude mode even though "I don't feel good." My treatment doesn't seem to be going very well, but I am at the Mayo Clinic so I'm hopeful that they will figure it out. I love my Dr. I'm frustrated because I can't get a sense of if I'm going to live long or not.

With all of the struggles that you all have posted I will hope and pray that your treatments will succeed so that you can see your kids grow and see Grandchildren and get to retire and get to travel! That's what you all deserve.

Karen

hi folks - I am feeling some anger today. I had a weird experience with a guy I was dating. We met online and then met in person very quickly. He was incredibly handsome and charming and I was starting to feel a chemistry spark between us. We ended up hanging out 5 times in two weeks! Each time was lovely and romantic and I could feel my heart cracking open.

I was scared to tell him about my health history - but felt like I needed to. Because sooner or later he'd find out, and I didn't want it to be a surprise. And for myself and my heart, I didn't want to get too involved and then rejected, if the diagnosis scared him away.

Well, a couple of things ended up happening last Thursday night on our 5th date: the first was that he started to unwind his story of how he is looking to get married as soon as possible. He is an immigrant from Turkey on a student visa and clearly wants to be a US citizen. I was so wrapped up in my fears of telling him about myself, that I "heard" what he was saying but it wasn't registering. When I told him about me, after finding out his whole one-track plan, he COMPLETELY rejected me!!! It felt so terrible. 😭 I know that no one has to promise themselves to me - especially dating, but it was the first time I got so rejected because of cancer.

At first I was heartbroken, but then I realized that not only was I rejected because of damn cancer but also that he was on a mission and I didn't fit his vision and master plan. And then I went from heart broken to angry.

Now I am feeling some anger around the fact that having a romantic relationship is a really tough thing to do in general, and now it's even tougher and more complicated now that cancer is part of the picture.

So there is some anger around all of that.

The good news is, that I have actually dated several men since I've been diagnosed and they were (and are) all okay with my health status and very loving and supportive. So it was one dud out of 4! Not so bad

I've lost some of my energy around dating and do feel less optimistic that I'll meet someone and fall in love ever again: the good news from all this is that I am ABLE to fall in love and was feeling like it was beginning with the Turkish man. So at least my heart hasn't turned completely to ice.

LovefromPhilly---  I am sorry that you had that experience, but I think you certainly don't need that type of man in your life.  I hope you find someone who really cares for you and will stand by you no matter what comes in the future.  I am single, have always been single, and will stay single.  I am ok with that.  I just heard a story the other day that made my blood boil.  Someone told me that their cousin, in her 30's, was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  Plans are for a mastectomy and chemo.  Her boyfriend doesn't want her to have the surgery as she would lose the breast!!!  I got so angry.  How dare he!!!!   This is her life and he was thinking about himself.  And I know of someone from years ago that left his wife when she was diagnosed with cancer.  I think it is better to be alone than in those situations.  But saying all that.... I know that humans are not supposed to be alone, we are made for companionship.   As finallyoverit said---<sigh. 

Philly, that is a painful experience. Sorry that happened. There's always a few of those duds out there. It's good you found out now for sure, but still. I would be angry too. I'm sure you will bounce right back. I can see the bubbly in your personality from the pic a day or two ago. I forget which thread it was. 

Haha when she asks about it just say "oh that? That's over with!" She will think what a crazy fickle bubbly woman!