Became unattractive because of my surgery?

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master66
master66 Member Posts: 2
edited March 2019 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
I lost one of my breasts after the surgery. My husband is very supportive and loving, he says he won't change a thing. Nonetheless, we now have major issues when it comes to sex. It's always longer than we want, we both get exhausted and sometimes he can't even "get it up." Of course, I reckon I'm the one to blame because it's obvious how I'm unable to attract him the same way as before. We both want to solve this problem – make no mistake about it, we've been together for the last 25 years, we're perfectly happy and still in love with each other. What are your thoughts? Maybe you had a similar experience?


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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    Maybe it has nothing to do with how your body looks, but is more a sense of fear about your mortality, or something like that? Or not anting to hurt you accidentally where you have had surgery perhaps... Have you explored alternative 'causes'? I am sorry you are going through this. I recall another thread on this subject you might want to check out.

    If you love one another I am sure you will find a way to a new normal!!

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  • MexicoHeather
    MexicoHeather Member Posts: 365
    edited March 2019

    Look over all your medications and go talk to your gynecologist right away. You can adapt. There are other threads for this on breastcancer.org.

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  • blah333
    blah333 Member Posts: 270
    edited March 2019

    It depends on the man, they all handle it differently. I think uni- (one breasted) women look bad ass! I have 0 breasts/no recon and some men don't mind, and are still attracted etc. It's too easy to internalize issues with a man's performance. Are you back in 'good health' despite now the loss of the breast? There are no readymade answers, attraction and sexual response is quite individual. Some women have their husbands completely shut off and leave, other men don't care, others struggle for awhile but things improve...... you need to have a talk with him. I think there is a section on this site about intimacy as well.

    I once read a woman who was one -breasted talk about how her husband liked to lay his head on the flat side - and she couldn't stand it! But I thought that was so sweet... there are still many ways to enjoy your partner, feel close, and enjoy sex..

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  • master66
    master66 Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2019

    OP here… Thanks for your support, it truly matters the world to me… Your kind words and wishes were able to inspire hope in me and that's all that matters now…

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  • alto
    alto Member Posts: 233
    edited March 2019

    Some guys get really stressed by all this, too, even more than they let on. They love us, and they don't want to see us sick or hurting. My husband said my happiness was the thing he found most attractive about me. Some days I have to work at it, but I remember those words and take them to heart. I think once you get past the surprise of having new shape, it gets easier to just focus on each other and not what's different. Tell him you're an Amazon. ;)

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  • Spookiesmom
    Spookiesmom Member Posts: 9,568
    edited March 2019

    There is a thread called I want my mojo back. The ladies there probably can help.

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  • VeldonMate
    VeldonMate Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2019

    I'm so sorry! That's an awful situation to find yourself in! Nonetheless, I think love conquers it all! You'll make it through!
    You can try visiting a sexologist, I hear there are many ways of solving problems such as yours!

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  • VeldonMate
    VeldonMate Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2019

    I'm so sorry! That's an awful situation to find yourself in! Nonetheless, I think love conquers it all! You'll make it through!
    You can try visiting a sexologist, I hear there are many ways of solving problems such as yours!

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited March 2019

    I did not have a mastectomy, and we still lost our mojo. Not sure if that makes you feel any better. I'm 52 and my husband 55. I think the AIs have something to do with it on my part. Now that our kids are grown, we're working harder. My husband also dislikes his job. There is jus so much stress

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  • amygil81
    amygil81 Member Posts: 165
    edited March 2019

    Master66 and all you good ladies,sorry you had to join us but welcome here. You came to the right place to vent. It's entirely normal to be bummed after losing a breast. Here are a couple of other thoughts I've found helpful in dealing with my own mastectomy.

    Feeling sexy can be a challenge. I've had to cope with it since my surgery for bone cancer in my leg at age 13. The shower can be tough, as there's no place to hide. A peer counselor in the hospital told me how she made a ritual of starting every shower by touching her scar while saying, "my cancer is gone." I've done that a lot. It's especially good when I'm showering with my BF. He'll touch the scars from my cancer surgeries, on my leg or my breast, and say, "you are so beautiful with your cancer gone." Or sometimes, "you may not be all there, but you're still here." Usually followed by, "and now, how about …"

    The third thing I do is ask for help. I don't need it, or course, but it lets him feel like he's doing something. Lifting my bra strap onto my shoulder while I hold my prosthesis in place, or handing me my crutches as I hop out of the shower. We feel closer as we deal together with the alterations this disease has made to my body. Hope this helps


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  • alto
    alto Member Posts: 233
    edited March 2019

    amygil81, you rock!

    I found a, uh, 'together-time' bra at Macy's that I really like. It has nude fabric with black lace over it, so it looks like a black lace bra and yet hides the scars. I just stuff a little homemade puff in the open space.

    Warner's Lace Escape Wirefree Contour Bra with Lace Trim RO3361A

    Note the item number is RO3361A - there are two different bras with the same name. The one above has nylon and spandex plus lace, and looks best in the 'rich black' color. Like most bras, these go on sale 50% off.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited March 2019

    Just a comment; when I was in college I had a BF who had lost part of his lower leg due to cancer, and for a while had no hair either. It never bothered me, I thought he was very sexy and arousing. It also felt so vulnerable of him to show himself to me, so it felt very intimate. To me its about the connection and responsiveness between two people and that part was excellent.

    I think a sexy bra is a great idea if it helps a woman feel more loose and happy to wear it. Or a pretty slip or whatever feels good.

    IMO good/ nice men are not that picky about body perfection-- if a woman is into it, they will be too.

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited March 2019

    sweetie I had some feelings also cause I was diagnosed while preparing our 2nd marriages I thought my now husband wouldn't love me the same or look at me different. He didn't I even thought bout getting lumpectomy instead of mastectomy. But he said I rather have you here with 1 breast or no breast then not here at all. Still emotional even though its now 25yrs this yr. Praise God I am a Survivor that's what counts. msphil idc stage2 0/3 nodes 3mo chemo before and after got married bald and all. Then 7wks rads 5yrs on Tamoxifen.

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