someone please help me

anabanana · February 2007

I'm 17 years old, a senior in HS, last summer my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am the youngest of two. I have been handling the problem somewhat well, but the stress is finally getting to me, I can't stop crying. I did cry every now and then. She has had several surgeries, went to chemo, then radiation and she'll start chemo again soo.

It was a minute detail that set me off crying, the fact that my cats and my dog have had to stay in the basement (supposedly because the doctor says so), and I've sneaked the up twice. I just found out that according to the doctor and to my parents they'll have to stay there for five years!!!!! I dont know why but I didnt take this well at all. I need them here, i tried sleeping in the basement and it's too creepy! I told them I'll move out, and they looked as me like they didnt really care, or like I wasnt capable..

Look, I need to vent out. But I faded away from my friends (my choice) and my bf or 3 years doesnt help me much (he just doesnnt know how). I just need to talk to someone. I am desperate and hurt and angry. I... I need help. please..

anabanana · February 2007

oh and also, I know my post it's silly but trust me everything has been hell for us. I might sound like a brat or something, but i'm just so sick of hiding all my feelings.

LuAnnH · February 2007

getting your feelings out is a good thing. have you considered talking to your counselor at school? This is a rough time for everyone. I don't understand about the animals staying in the basement, but I think I have heard something about animals can possible carry something that may harm her. Why not sit down and talk with your mom, a girl talk. Tell her how you are feeling, non confrontational. She may not realize how you are feeling and it will help both of you! Good luck!

anabanana · February 2007

Thanks for replying.:)

I talked to my councelor and he told me to let it go, and that maybe it would be best to get rid of my pets. To be honest, I don't understand why they should be in the basement either. I tried talking to my mom and I even wrote her a few letters and all she says is she matters more than the cats (and I agree), and then she cruly questions me "well do YOU care more about them than me?". Through out this whole process I have been neglected (and I take it), but dont know how much more I can take this, the least they could do is take what I say into consideration. Maybe it's just a lost cause.

Thanks for your time

XOXO -Ana

cheryl58 · February 2007

My boys were 18 and 20 this past summer when I was diagnosed. I know that as their mom, I would feel awful if they hadn't felt they could come to me to discuss how they were feeling. I agree with LuAnn...try to talk to your mom. I know that if it isn't something that you have always done that it can be hard to start the conversation. I would just ask her if you could talk to her and then let her know what you are feeling.

You post isn't silly. I have a golden retriever and two cats. I would be lost without them. All three of them helped me get through my treatments. I am not sure why yours would have to stay in the basement (and for five years??), because mine actually slept in bed with me during chemo and everything, and I did not get sick from them. I really think they knew I was sick, and I wouldn't have been able to keep them away from me anyway.

I think sometimes as parents we try to protect our children but only end up causing confusion. I really would try to talk to your mom. This whole thing is hard on the whole family, and I hope that you can work things out.

Hugs,
Cheryl

dash · February 2007

Awww, I'm so sorry Ana for what you are going through. I have a dog and 2 cats and am going through chemo and they fuss over me so much during this time as if they know I need extra TLC. I'm very surprised that your counselor suggested getting rid of the pets--like anyone would need that extra heartbreak right now. I'm also surprised your mom thinks they need to be confined to the basement! You say the basement is creepy--is there any way to fix it up to be more cheerful and make it your own private space? Is it possible to talk to your mom's doctors and ask them if the animals really need to be confined. You do need someone to talk to, hon. My 17 year old told me he wanted to see a psychologist because he's overwhelmed with school and my BC so he's going this Tuesday. Try talking to your mom or dad about seeking some help for yourself. Make an appt with them so they realize you are serious. Be mature. Tell them you want to be able to help your mom better and for that you need to find how help yourself deal with things better too. This is a tough time, for sure, try to stay strong and keep snuggling those pets, sweetie!

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · February 2007

Hi Anabanana,

I am with you...I would be so freaked out too!! This does not sound at all realistic. I have four cats and I have breast cancer. I am doing chemo now and they keep me company on my bed, wake me up in the morning, and generally do a lot to improve my mental well being.

In fact, I have a cat named Hannah that we call Hannah Banana! I am with Bayore on this..are you really sure your cats need to stay in the basement? Try to fix it up for them. Bring some toys down and play with them. Find a comfortable chair and a lamp, and bring some reading down so you can cuddle with them.

Good luck at improving this situation!!!!

Love & nuzzles,

Mizsissy

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · February 2007

Anabanana,

Could the problem be the litter boxes? Could you possibly compromise with your Mom and tell her you'd like to give your cats breaks, perhaps one or two at a time, and you'll keep the litter box and keep it clean..maybe in Your room?

What is really bothering her about these cats?

Dnicoletto · February 2007

Hi Anna!

I have three daughters, now in their twenties, but I remember all of their senior years. There was a lot of pressure around graduation and college choices, or job searching and even prom dress hunting. We did a lot of things together, and I think that you might really be missing having your mom beside you as you go through all of these milestones and crossroads. The world is telling you that you are getting to be a grownup, and here you are missing your mom and your kitties and the way life used to be.
The one thing that we women with Breast cancer know is that it can be harder to be the person helping to care for us and watching us go through everything. We who have to undergo the treatments and surgeries just keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.
I hope that you have someone to make these senior year decisions with. Make sure that your mom understands that this is a critical year in your life and that you need to be able to talk to her. If she goes to any support groups, see if there are any for the kids of those women. Do you have a godmother or a special aunt you can talk to? Maybe someone who can intervene with your mom who is a trusted person.

I wish all the best for you Anna! Don't forget to enjoy this last year of high school sweetie! It all goes by in a flash. Write back and let us know what your plans are and what you are doing. I will look forward to reading what you write.

~Dorie

gerbie · February 2007

Ana,

For what it's worth...my doc told me not to handle the litter boxes but having the cats live with me was A-OK. This was while I was going through chemo. My roommate changes the litter boxes while I am in another part of the house.

Give your wee ones a smooch from me!

Gerbie

acgw · February 2007

Hi anabanana,

Hang in there sweety. I know what it is like to be a teen who's mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer and I know what it is like to have been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I am sorry that you are dealing with more stress than I would wish on anyone. I agree that you should try and talk with your mom. I don't understand the pet thing either.

I think the counselor was insensitive and totally missed the point by suggesting that you give away members of your family. I would recommend that you continue to see a counselor but perhaps not that counselor.

This is such a tough time for you and you are at an age when you need your mom. Try to keep that relationship as strong as you can. Your mom's diagnosis will in part define you as you become a woman. Let yourself grieve and be angry and hopefully you will find peace.

I send to you and your mom strong life affirming hugs.

Casey

badboob67 · February 2007

Hi Ana,
I am so sorry you are going through this! It is such a hard thing for the whole family when breast cancer comes into the picture. It sounds like your mom has had quite a tough time and so have you!

As for the cats, they can carry something called toxoplasmosis that can be dangerous for pregnant women and people with compromised immune systems (like happens with chemo). My doctor told me not to change the litter box. As for my dog, I was told not to let him lick me, but there really wasn't much to worry about. Maybe your mom is afraid they will jump on her? She might be in a lot of physical pain and the thought of being jumped on might scare her.

Yes, honey, unfortunately sometimes those of us with cancer get tunnel vision. We are so focused on trying to get better that we forget how much those around us need our support. It's tough having breast cancer, but I'm sure it's just as tough worrying about your mom and going through this as a family.

Your mom might also be on medications that make it difficult for her to communicate effectively. I know that my pain pills made me very hostile and my other treatments made me forget lots of things that were important to my kids. I can see you're trying to do your best but sometimes you just want your old mom back, huh?

Maybe you could call your local cancer society or even the doctor's office and see if there is a place for you to talk to other kids in your situation. Are you able to talk to your dad at all? I bet he's pretty scared, too.

I am so sorry you are going through this; I wish you could feel this (((HUG))), hon!

Keep posting as much as you'd like. I have a high school sophomore, a fifth-grader and a sixth-grader. I bet we both could help each other understand our situations! I'm sending prayers your way, sweetie.

dazedandconfused · February 2007

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a 17 year old daughter as well so I understand how you are feeling. First of all please please don't fade away from your friends. They are exactly what you need right now. They won't know how to react to your mom's cancer but they don't need to. Maybe just let them know that and that what you really need from them is their friendship. You need to get out and have fun with your friends. The same goes for your boyfriend. Your mom is dealing with something that none of us are really prepared to deal with. The time of treatment is exhausting and scarey for everyone. At the time of my treatment my kids were 12, 19, and 21. They all reacted differently. In the long run we all became much closer. that was 4 years ago and life IS BACK TO NORMAL. I am sorry about the animals. I have 2 goldern retrievers that I love. I agree with the others that maybe the Dr. is concerned about the litter box. Is there any way you could talk to him and see if you took charge of that that the animals would be allowed upsairs? If your counselor was my kids counselor I would have a few not very nice words. Find someone else to talk to. Definatley you don't need someone as insensitive as that person. Shame on them. Please come to these boards anytime for support. We are happy to help you in any way we can.

MrsBee · February 2007

When I was going through chemo, I had four cats and a dog (we still have them; we've just added two more cats to the mix). I did not put them away from me, and I wouldn't have done it even if I'd been told. They are my family, and they were a lot of comfort to me and my husband during my treatments. We did a lot of handwashing, and I made sure not to allow any of them to lick my face, but there were no problems.

I don't really understand why you're being told that the animals are off-limits for five years.

Let me add also that my husband took over all litter box duty for me.

Also, I understand where you're coming from - my mom was diagnosed right before I started my senior year. This was in 1972. I teach high school English, and I do enjoy working with teens. Hang in there, sweetie. We care about you.

csp · February 2007

Hi Ana ,
Maybe if while Mom is doing chemo make sure all the pets shots are up to date and promise to take care of the
litter box and grooming duties and care of the animals.
If Mom and Dad felt you were sincere about taking over this
they might reconsider ?

hugs,
Carrie

juliebb · March 2007

I know how you feel about your pets. My father died last April. My husband, my toddler and I moved in with my mother to care for her. My mother did not want my cats who are 10 and 12 years old. She had breathing problems (see below) Needless to say we have them a the best pet hotel in town. We are paying so much money because no one wants to adopt older cats and putting them to sleep is NOT an option...NO WAY!!!! So I've lost my father whom I was (and still am) VERY close to, I gave up my cats, my home, my privacy, and have become my mothers caregiver. She became very sick after my father died from her chemotherapy Taxotere. She developed a severe lung toxicity, which she was in the hospital for 6 weeks draining from a pleurodesis procedure. (4 tubes in her lungs at once). Then she had pneumonia, again almost lost her, then she fell, breaking many bones.My mother has been on oxygen ever since the Taxotere toxicity. I have to chosen to care for her and to love her. She has lost a lot too. But, I do understand your frustration. When a cancer patient has low white counts, they have to be very careful about germs....pets .... well you see what I mean. Google neutropenia. It is about low white counts. Maybe you can look into a support group for yourself. Your mother's life is in turmoil too. She's has a lot of worries one of which I am sure is that she will see you grow up and have children of your own someday. Try to imagine her perspective. Sometimes I get so angry, sometimes I cry. I do understand. But also, I keep reminding myself how it would be I were in her shoes. I would need to feel loved and safe!!!!! My family is who I would want to be there for me. Think back when you were very sick, didn't you need to have someone taking care of you making you feel safe. It was probably your mother. This is so hard for someone your age. Please keep us up to date.
Sincerely,
Julie

CaliforniaKate · March 2007

Ana, I'm so sorry for all you are going thru. Try calling the American Cancer Assoc. and ask if they have a suppport group for family members that you could go to. You need someone who will understand your feeling. Cancer is very hard to deal with. Hang in there. Is there a school counselor that you can talk to? Kate

vpiazza · March 2007

ana (that's my daughter's name, too),
i had cats and dogs through chemo. i actually got 2 kittens in the middle of chemo. at first i thought i might be insane, but watching them frolic on the bed, keeping me company, really kept me sane. i couldn't do the cat litter, or pick up after the dogs, but my doctors never said that having them around would be dangerous, and i didn't get sick or anything.

i don't think that your counselor telling you to "let it go" is really helpful. maybe you could see a therapist, or even a family therapist.

everybody deals with this differently. my own daughter ran away from home after my surgery, because she didn't want to watch me go through chemo. it is a decision she regrets to this day, but we've made our peace and moved on.

keep trying to talk to your mom, and let her know how you feel - not just about the animals, but about her, and how you feel she has pulled away from you, etc.

good luck.

it seems

nancy75 · March 2007

The one and probably most important thing in ANY relationship is COMMUNICATION! Even if you feel sad or mad or depressed or frustrated, talk to her believe me it'll make a whole lot of difference in your relationship with her. My sister came to me for the 1st time (EVER) in her life crying because of her concern about her body (right before she was diagnosed) I was soooooooooooo happy that she felt that confidence that security, that courage to come to me and talk. Now I just want to be able to help her no matter how while she takes this godforsaken journey! I heard in a movie once, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger!"

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · March 2007

I know this thread got a lot of attention...and the sad thing is that I don't think Anabanana got the benefit of much of it; her last post was 2/16. Don't know what happened (parents forbid her to come here?!) I hate to think what she's going through....

wendyfrommo68 · March 2007

I have a dog and cat, and 3 children. After each of my surgeries I slept in a recliner in the living room with my dog sleeping between my feet and the cat on the back of chair. My kids would wake up in the morning and say that it looked like they were both watching over me (top and bottom) And after each chemo my dog would sleep with me and follow me around when i got up. My kids take care of the animals (litter box, bathes)

someone please help me

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