sexy with one breast?
I have had unsucessful unilateral implant reconstruction that left me in constant pain and I am considering my options, one of which would be going flat. And even though my husband assures me that he loves and finds me attractive, I am very skeptical that he is that accepting - that he will look at me during sex with one breast and he will find it attractive and sexy. Now, he can pretend I have two, it looks like I have two breasts when I am in a bra. I don't want to wear a bra. I just want me.
Please tell me that your husband, boyfriend finds it very sexy or just as sexy when you had 2. Thanks
P.S. Yes, I am a shallow woman into fashion, 41 when I found out. 43 today. And just in case you were thinking how ungreatful I am, I am
super greateful that my small children have their mom. super
Comments
-
I’m not a man so I couldn’t say, but my father in law still found my mother in law hot with just 1 breast and flat on the other side - dint ask how I know, it was embarrassing for me and father in law and mother in law thought it was hilarious. 😂 Husband aside, how do YOU feel about it? Implants are rapidly going out of favor for DIEP. Have you looked into DIEP? Here’s a link if not:
www.breastcenter.com
-
AliceKo- I was half flat for over a year before I started recon. My husband was fine with it as far as I could tell. If anything, I felt self conscious when he would run his hands over me.
As far as being/feeling sexy- there’s nothing sexy about being in pain. (Well I guess for some folks there is! ) But it’s about how you feel and how you make him feel. It takes a while to adjust, but it’s doable.
-
Lula, yes I have looked into DIEP and that was my original choice. I have looked into APEX as well and two PSs have told me I don't need APEX, that I am not that thin and I don't require APEX. I have looked into robot assisted DIEP at UPenn which is laprascopic, no long scar on the abdomen. I am afraid of the DIEP, I feel like I am only getting basic information and not the real detailed stuff.
Just like with implants, did not tell me I was going to be in pain for the rest of my life.
-
Cpeachymom, how I feel about it...? I don't know. I want to close my eyes and pretend it did not happen, but I can't do that. Because of pain. I just want to feel like I have healed after this ....whatever. I am locked into cancer lifestyle for almost 2 years. 1.5 years of suffering since the first surgery, 6 months of suffering with the expanders, 12 months of suffering with permanent implant....
By no means I am looking sexy right now. In fact, I take a shower in the bra (!) or close my eyes, I don't want to see it. I have seen it many many times (I am strong! Or I am strong? or maybe even I am strong...). I look like nothing happened to other people and I can wear my regular clothes.
it just upsets me what I see. It's a mound with a scar accross it, it has a rubber look to it, it has these depressions in it, especially when it moves and my muscle moves. it's a different size and shape than my real breast. Its really unappealing. It's ok in a bra, especially full coverage by Victoria Secret.
I really don't want to make any of these decisions, deal with any consequences or live like this. I feel damaged to point of no return.
-
Hi AliceKo,
I'm in a similar boat in that I have decided I am not going to proceed with recon--I just do not want a major, long, flap surgery or more general anesthesia or the risk of a pain syndrome-- but I still have my tissue expander (and annoying saline port in). Ugh. I really think I am eventually going to go half flat, and I don't want to keep the TE in forever, but I am kind of dreading getting it out, and having a drain again, and adjusting to being half flat, so I keep putting it off. Plus even though the TE doesn't look great when I am undressed, it looks sort of ok under clothes and actually pretty good in a swimsuit.
It took me a while, but over time I have adjusted to having the TE there, so I guess I will probably be able to adjust to not having anything on that side. And hopefully I will feel more comfortable once it's out. My DH has encouraged me to do what's best for me, and I don't think he will mind when I only have one.
Anyway, just wanted to say that even though it's a somewhat different situation, in my own way I understand how it is to be on the fence about this kind of thing. And also that I think healing physically and emotionally can be a long process with many phases. If you're not feeling like making these decisions right now, could you defer them a bit until you feel more ready? Go easy on yourself. I wish you well. Hang in there.
-
AliceKo - I think from your words that you are hurting more than physically. Do you think that you'll be able to adjust to having one breast? Perhaps you should talk with a therapist. I think there's more going on here. I'm so sorry.
naps - Is there a reason that you don't want to exchange the TE for an implant? Most who do that exchange like the implant better and it's not major surgery.
-
Naps, thank you for your reply. If you are ok with TE, implants will be better. It's not a major surgery, you will be back to work in 2 weeks, honestly even one week is ok. I did not have any additional pain from the implant exchange, I did not have any drains, you should not either unless it is some special complicated case.
I don't want the long surgery and recovery either. I get sooo depressed. Just i think it might be my chance to really heal, when it all heals a year or two years later. The implant never heals and it does need to be replaced, I know many providers hoping we will just die and no need to replace them, but hopefully we live.
-
Hi Alice,
I'm 43, and flat as a board. My hubby loves me and wants to make sure I'm pleased during sex (i.e. goes south). He strokes my chest, which tingles and has no issues with my body. We BOTH miss my nipples and I guarantee if I had one breast, he'd play with it while pleasing me to enhance things, so to speak. And while that would be great, as there's only tool left in the tool box, I would NOT want to be lopsided or have to hold up my big heavy DD boob. I'm so happy being flat … I look better too, more like a ballerina than when I had large breasts.
bottom line: My husband wants my breasts to PLEASE me, not himself. He's all about loving on me. I think that's the point. Does your hubby want the boobs for him or for you? If he wants them for him, he needs a Fing attitude adjustment. : )
Confidence is a thing. Because I feel confident, I've had men friends say they find me attractive flat and they'd let their wives know flat is an option. (I have honest good guy friends). -
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also 43 and newly 1/2 flat. Recon options for me were not great, so I decided to go with prosthetics.
Surgery was just a week ago, so I'm only at the point of wearing pillow stuffing in a little cloth bag pinned to my undershirt.
Everyone is different - but I think 'thinking' about this is often tougher than dealing with it. Not saying any of this is easy, but maybe our brains make it worse. My husband is happy to have me around. We'll figure the rest out.
Ana Ono has some nice pocketed camisoles for lounging around, which I plan to wear until I'm comfortable and adjusted.
It sucks to have your body changed for reasons out of your control, but I think if I can find a way to accept it and accept myself again, my husband will, too.
EDITED to say, Lisey, you are awesome!
-
Not very brave, thank you for your reply and your suggestion. I am a trauma therapist and so it makes perfect sense to me. I have a therapist and I have been seeing him since my diagnosis and I have seen him before too. He is great and we discussed it a lot. I just told him I am taking a break from therapy, as it is truly not going anywhere with him now. Sure, I can find someone else. Just feels like not now.
Ended my relationship with the cancer support volunteer too, just can't say anything less than amazing, positive and great to her and as a trauma therapist I can see it was hard for her. if you are reading it, we have already talked about it. Thank you for all your support and time
I saw the pictures of the brave women who took pictures with one breast and while I applaud to them, I just don't see myself liking it. I think it feels good, not to have anything attached to me and anything artificial under my skin.
Avoidance has been my best coping mechanism. And duct tape on my scar when I go to the shower, it gives some mild support and covers the scar
-
Hello again,
A long-term implant is not a great option for me for various reasons, incl the relatively high failure rate post-radiation. Both PS I've seen strongly recommend a lat flap, and I just don't want all that. Plus, for symmetry I would need various things done on the other side...it's just too much. For me, the benefits don't justify the costs.
When I initially decided to proceed with recon, I think I was in a damage control mode...how could I possibly make things seem "normal" again?! But I'm at a different stage now, more adjusted to the new (and changeable) normal, more accepting of my body however it is. Also, I have seen that DH really doesn't seem to care...he has tuned into the remaining breast (for my enjoyment).
I wish I had gone half flat from the get-go, but I couldn't have known how I would end up feeling, and I made the decision that made sense to me at the time, influenced in part by some of my doctors. My female MO still doesn't really get why I'd go flat, but my female breast surgeon is quite supportive. I suppose if being half flat turns out to be a problem in some unforeseen way, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. There can be a lot of decision fatigue on this path! Right now, I am mainly trying to psych myself up to proceed with getting the TE out...I think the scales are starting to tip in that direction bc the TE is beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable.
Good luck to all!
-
Naps.. good on you. that's the key truly.. Our husbands focus on our bodies for OUR enjoyment, not their own... My hubby was fine with 1 boob, 2 numb mounds, or a flat chest... didn't matter to him, just wanted me to be happy and still let him love on me.
So the shift needs to be made Alice, what does YOUR soul want, not what does your hubby want?
Sexiness is completely in the head. If you think you're sexy, you are. I have a friend who is a bigger gal. All about the bass style. She's sexy as hell, her confidence is everything. If you love your body, others will too. -
I will confess I didn't 'like' the half-flat look either. The pictures made me feel like I might be devastated afterward. I don't feel at all as I expected. I feel better than I thought I would, physically and emotionally.
If you can take time to think about it or just take a break from thinking about it - do whatever you need. Sometimes this stuff gets fatiguing.
-
Thank you Lisey. That's great that you love how you look flat chested and that your husband does too. I do think that not having boobs is a little better than having one and being lopsided. But I already chose one, long story.
My husband says he wants what is the best for me, but I don't think he is entirely honest with himself. How do you know what something will make you feel like until you are in the situation. I had no clue I would hate this implant so much. The pictures I saw were beautiful, better than the boobs these women had before. I spoke to a woman who has the implant and then added another small implant to the other boob and it was great for her.
I think I am also hard to please customer. I am very sensitive, I have fibromyalgia and I loved my boobs. They were perfect size for me, for my height and size - C (D when I was breatsfeeding). So many women hate they boobs, too small, too large, assymetrical, tubular shaped.
-
Alto, yes it can get fatiguing for sure
-
nap, Latissimus dorsi flap? I thought the latest information is that it greatly destabilizes the shoulder? It sounds like DIEP is the best autologous option.
-
I remember when a younger guy flirted with me on the street. Little did he know that I was wearing a wig (much more beautiful than my own hair) and I had one breast, they just started expanding the fake boob. That was interesting...Did not feel good. Literally physically I felt so uncomfortable with this equipment inside of me.
-
When I was diagnosed, I was out of shape and 50 lbs overweight. I am minus one breast, 50 lbs thinner and in excellent physical condition. I have not felt this sexy in 20 years. I have gorgeous clothes that I carefully select for my body type. My husband loved me and thought I was sexy both ways. Sexy is about me and how I feel. I am not defined by my beauty (thank goodness) or my breasts. I am defined by my accomplishments and my generosity and my humility. My new body demonstrates my new definition of confidence and hope. Please accept your new bodies. And I have to wonder about our aging partners. We accept pot bellies and other parts going south. Why are we so critical of ourselves? Hug yourself and your less than perfect partners tonight.
-
Not everyone is a good candidate for the DIEP flap. Also, the lat flap doesn't tend to significantly destabilize the shoulder, according to any of the surgeons I've spoken to. But I don't want any flap anymore.
-
TB90, thank you for your reply. Sounds like you are healthier and better looking now than before, 50 lbs is a major transformation. Maybe it gave a kick in the butt that you needed, albeit a scary one. Good for you. I was almost at my goal weight when I was dx'ed (a lifetime of being on weight watchers and really watching it). All the major risks factors like weight, poor nutrition, smoking, drinking, drugs, family history were not in my life, yet I got it...
-
Naps, you are correct, not everyone is a good candidate for DIEP. I store my fat in that area, some people store it in the hips and buttocks area.
Your Plastic surgeon will not give you all the information, only the information you need to make the decision to follow his plan. My plastic surgeon did not lie, just omitted information so I would follow her plan. It was not what I wanted and now I have to deal with the damage and other surgeons are now saying different things. You don't want to have my experience. You just need to make sure his plan is the best for you. Please read this, this is the latest research. Best of luck on whatever you decide.
https://www.breastcancer.org/research-news/lat-flap-causes-more-shoulder-issues
-
Yes that's a good point about our husbands and that they age and change. And my husband has aged too. I would say he aged well. No pot belly. He always has been thin, does not care about food at all.
-
I have one breast. I was fairly big breasted so having one is not such a good look. However, with significant weight loss, the big boob is smaller now too. I wear a sport bra. Took a while to find the right one. So I looked flat chested now, plus very thin. Nobody cares. I am seen daily in tight exercise clothing at our local gym. I undress in locker room. I simply do not care. I feel great. I have not felt this good in decades. That is all that matters to me. Women say they are sorry for my condition, meaning cancer. I tell them not to be. It does not bother me. I can do everything now that I could do decades ago. I feel blessed
-
Aliceko: Damn those husbands that age so well. Lol. I hear so often that it is not as much about we have or not have, but about how we carry it. Confidence is sexy in any shape or size.
-
1redgirl: You rock
-
I had one breast for 9 months. I wouldn’t say I thought it was sexy, but I didn’t think I looked bad. But all along my plan was to have DIEP, so it was temporary. If I planned to go flat, I would have had a double mastectomy. If I had decided later not to have the DIEP, I probably would have had my other breast removed. I’m happy with my decision to have the DIEP.
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team