My 15 year old daughter wants to be at the hospital

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Hazelhappy
Hazelhappy Member Posts: 9
edited January 2019 in Surgery - Before, During, and After

My very mature daughter wants to be at the hospital on the day of surgery rather than go to school. My other 13 year old daughter definitely wants to be at school. Can anyone give me any insight on what it might be like for waiting family? I assume there is just a lot of waiting so I personally think school would be better. However I don't want to deny her or exclude her from something she feels is important. Thanks for any insight!

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  • DebAL
    DebAL Member Posts: 877
    edited January 2019

    Hazel, I'm sorry you find yourself here. My first thought was how mature is she. You answered that in your post. Yes. Let her go to the hospital. I'm a preop nurse and we have many teens her age their with loved ones that are having surgery. At our hospital we get you ready then family comes back to wait. She may see you in recovery or in your room afterwards. You can prepare her a little. You may be in some pain or nauseous but there are meds for that. You never know, in addition to supporting you you may have a future doctor or nurse on your hands. Of course she will have at least one other adult waiting with her. Best wishes and I hope you heal quickly

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  • Hazelhappy
    Hazelhappy Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2019

    Thank you DebAL. This is very helpful! Best wishes to you also

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  • Wigging2000
    Wigging2000 Member Posts: 295
    edited January 2019

    My 17 year old daughter came to the hospital and I think it was really good for her. She held my hand right up until I was wheeled back. My 12 and 14 year olds went to school.

    You’ll know in your heart the best decision for your family! However I think if she’s expressing the desire to be there...I would vote for letting her be there. 😊


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  • coraleliz
    coraleliz Member Posts: 1,523
    edited January 2019

    If she goes to school that day, it won't be very productive. You will be on her mind the whole time.

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  • Munmunmary
    Munmunmary Member Posts: 18
    edited January 2019

    Hi Hazel,


    I think the hardest part of all of this was worrying about the kids. I have a 13 and 11 year old. The night before surgery they ended up sleeping over at a friends house since I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am.

    I had someone from school (administrator/friend) that we texted to keep them updated. What time I went in, I came out, etc. The kids definitely wanted to see me after school, but I wanted them to keep as “normal" day as possible. My husband said he was grateful his sister was there with him waiting with him. He said it's made the time fly a little bit faster! For my daughters being with her friends helped. For my son, I think he just wanted wanted to be home with with everyone. (I think he thought we were keeping the truth from him)


    Good luck! My kids showed more strength than I could ever had asked for! Cancer shows your vulnerable side, but it also show you your tribe and their strength to carry you.


    Mary

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited January 2019

    I think if you tell her not to be there, she might think you're keeping something from her and that the situation is even worse than it is.

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited January 2019

    You may want to talk to your surgeon about what your daughter may or may not be allowed to do on the day of your surgery. My husband stayed with me the whole time (except on the OR of course). He was there when I met the Anesthesiologist, when they placed the guide wire, when they injected the radioactive material to locate the sentinel lymph nodes, etc. Would your daughter be able,to do that too? Would you want her to? If yout husband is with you, and you're daughter can't be, would she beok waiting alone, or would you be able to find someone to sit with her?

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  • Hazelhappy
    Hazelhappy Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2019

    Thank you all! This is great information and tips. I've told her she could go and she said she is going to ask her teachers today what she might miss on Wednesday. So she's weighing her options. If she goes to the hospital, my parents and my husband will be with her. I will ask my surgeon some additional questions as well.

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited January 2019

    One of the most meaningful aspects of my cancer treatment has been the support of my kids. I am divorced, so several of my out of town friends volunteered to help, and timed visits to be here for the hardest days (for me, day 4/5) . My middle son who lives in New Orleans said he wanted to cover one of my chemos. I said, "you don't have to do that," and he replied "yes, I do." He came to CA for two weeks, to be there for one chemo/ recovery, and some fun days. Cooked for me, fetched for me, and hung out w me. I was so overcome with emotion that he did that. He is 27. It was like a flash-forward to seeing how he will be as a father and at that moment I wasn't sure if I would get to see that so it was twice as sweet. It was a huge gift to me, and I am tearing up just to write about it. One of the highlight moments of my maternal career.

    I am sure that if you let your Daughter 'in' you will get the same kinds of gifts. You have raised a compassionate girl. Bravo to you!

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  • Salamandra
    Salamandra Member Posts: 1,444
    edited January 2019

    I love that you are open to letting her come and I think it's the right call. This process is full of anxiety for kids, in some ways even more so than for us. Forcing her to go to school would be even more disempowering and possibly traumatic.

    That said, even a mature 15 year old is still a kid. I think it's worthwhile to be thoughtful about preparing her for the day with knowledge and information about what she might see that could be jarring or scary for her. It might be a good idea for her to wait to see you until you're awake again, for example. If she wants to see you asap, it would be good to talk about what anesthesia looks like and means and how it might be strange for her to see her mom on a hospital bed in a gown looking helpless. Even if she doesn't see you, depending on the hospital setting for the surgery, she might see other distressing-looking patients or medical situations that she hasn't been exposed to yet. Maybe she could read a little about hospitals and surgeries, visit in advance, watch a documentary, speak to a nurse, etc, whatever suits her style of learning. Also she should bring stuff to do and prepare for hours of sitting around!

    Good luck!

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  • Hazelhappy
    Hazelhappy Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2019

    Santabarbarian, that is a wonderful story. You've obviously raised a great son. That is an excellent example of some of the similar silver linings I'm already noticing in my life. Thank you for sharing.

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  • Hazelhappy
    Hazelhappy Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2019

    I just wanted to update you all. My daughter did choose to be at the hospital, and she ended up being my best caregiver. She was so observant and helped me with the ice chips, water, adjusting pillows and even noticed when I was nauseous. She also helped send updates via text to my friends and family. She was happy to be there and it all worked out great. Thank you for your advice and suggestions. They were all very helpful!

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited January 2019

    Hazelhappy, you do have a wonderful daughter!

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  • santabarbarian
    santabarbarian Member Posts: 3,085
    edited January 2019

    Hazelhappy, very happy it worked out!! xx

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  • DebAL
    DebAL Member Posts: 877
    edited January 2019

    great news Hazel!! Wishing you a speedy recovery!

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  • Mamihen
    Mamihen Member Posts: 15
    edited January 2019

    Thank you, Hazelhappy, for this thread!

    While our 20 year old son is going to be in the waiting room along with my husband, I had never even considered asking our 16 year old son. I will do so today. Our 22 year old daughter is taking time off work and will travel to be at hospital when I wake up.

    I see you got great comfort from having your family there and I am hoping for the same. Best wishes for your recovery xoxo

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  • windingshores
    windingshores Member Posts: 704
    edited January 2019

    My daughter went with me too. I had a regional block so was pretty good after surgery, no pain meds. She wanted to spend the night but I sent her home :) If she had really wanted to I would have let her.

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  • DebAL
    DebAL Member Posts: 877
    edited January 2019

    Many times the unknown creates more worry and anxiety if the person isnt there. Each situation is definitely unique. Nice that you are open to the idea mamihen. If he chooses not to be there it certainly doesnt mean he doesnt care. It's nice you are offering. Best wishes!

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  • AnnieSF
    AnnieSF Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2019

    Hi Hazel, my 15 year old daughter went to school and then visited me. She was there when I first came out of surgery. She brought her best friend with her and I encouraged that so she could have support besides from family members. I was so happy to see her smiling face.

    It’s not easy dealing with cancer and raising a teenager. Please message me if you ever need support.

    Best to you. 💞

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  • HoldingOnToHope
    HoldingOnToHope Member Posts: 12
    edited January 2019

    We have 4 kids, ages 12-17. Our 15 year old daughter wanted to be at the hospital during my double mastectomy also. My surgery took place 4 hours from home, so she and my husband both came. It was important to her to be there, so we didn’t question it. She tends to be more sensitive. Our other kids chose to go to school. Praying it goes well.

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