Who am I now?

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CPN88
CPN88 Member Posts: 6
edited November 2018 in Life After Breast Cancer

I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in May of 2017. Went through 16 weeks of chemo, double mastectomy and several surgeries. I celebrated a year in October. Now I am really struggling trying to figure out who I am. My body hurts all the time, my nerves, muscles, and bones have residual effect from the chemo. I’m still so tired all the time. It’s hard because my hair has started to grow back and all of my friends are like you are fine. However, I’m not fine and when I share how I’m feeling they don’t understand and I get the impression they are just annoyed hearing that I’m not 100%. I feel very alone and sad right now in my journey. I am not sure what makes me happy now. I’m married with children and they keep me super busy but I’m lonely. I need to figure out what brings me joy and I’m not sure where to start. Anyone else ever feel this way? What things fill your cup and what brings you joy?

Thanks

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited November 2018

    Hi there, CPN88. We want to welcome you to our community here at BCO. You have definitely come to the right place for support! A lot of people don't understand that living with breast cancer doesn't end after your treatment is over and you are NED. It's a huge adjustment, trying to find your "new" normal. We're so sorry you feel alone, but we hope you know that is not the case at all! These boards are filled with people just like you, and we're here with you every step of them way.

    The Mods

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  • rachelcarter35
    rachelcarter35 Member Posts: 368
    edited November 2018

    I'm newly 'done' so don't know how I'll feel a year out but I think being creative is what fills my cup at this point. I garden, mosaic, do stain glass and bake. I think everyone has their way to create and it takes a bit to figure out what it is that feeds your soul but I think being creative is what gets me through. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I get the lonliness. Hopefully this helps a little.

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  • LoveFromPhilly
    LoveFromPhilly Member Posts: 1,308
    edited November 2018

    I think that now that I am “stable” and the adrenaline of it all is calming down - I realized how depressed and anxious I had become in the last 1.5 years. Going through all of this can definitely cause ptsd and I for one definitely feel a strange isolation that I keep trying to overcome.

    I don’t have kids and I am not married so I find myself running idle at times. I still work but cut back my hours but it does keep me busy and fulfilled.

    I decided to sign up for acting classes starting in January. I am so excited! I haven’t done an acting class since undergrad I remember loving it. I feel like it may help me “refind” myself - stronger, brighter, wiser and just a better version of me! Hope

    It is like going through a war and expecting to return to “normal.” But the thing is, for many of us, it changes us. I am really grateful for this website and the amazing people I have found on it! Keep posting and sharing!!!

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  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited November 2018

    CPN88 - I'm right there with you! I still struggle with a lot of what you're saying.

    I had a super hard time around the one year anniversary last year. I tried to fix it by seeing a counselor and attending a fitness and nutrition class for survivors. In some ways those did help - they got me out and talking to new people, helped me focus on what I could do. But the fitness class made more things start to hurt and that kind of brought me down. And the counselor was okay but maybe not the best fit.

    I work part time and have three kids in HS and MS. My husband is gone long hours. I'm responsible for the kids and house and pets. I do the laundry and shopping and cleaning. I'm tired all the time. And frustrated. And lonely. And nothing medical seems to ever be solved. It's exhausting.

    I think that this whole process has just brought to light some problems that were already there - both internal and external. From what I read here, I believe there is hope for a better future. It's just hard to find your way sometimes.

    I'm sorry (and glad) that you're here!

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  • Janetanned
    Janetanned Member Posts: 532
    edited November 2018

    It's been a number of years since the one year mark for me, but I remember it well. I found that seeing a counselor was just what I needed to help ground me and identify who the 'new' me was. She helped me keep everything in perspective and to deal with my relationships with others. I was 'dismissed' after a few months with a new outlook on this journey. I also know that I might return for some 'tune ups' along the way.

    There are therapists who are trained to help cancer patients or the chronically ill. My therapist specialized in PTSD. You might want to explore this option. It felt so good to speak openly about fears and concerns without the emotional connection that complicates communication with family and loved ones.

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  • CPN88
    CPN88 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2018

    Thank you!

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  • CPN88
    CPN88 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2018

    I love those ideas. I actually received several coloring books during chemo and will bring those back out. I find that relaxing and peaceful. xoxo

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  • CPN88
    CPN88 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2018

    Thank you. I see a therapist and that is so helpful but I think it's time to start talking about some of this day to day stuff with her. I appreciate you sharing your experience. xoxo

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  • CPN88
    CPN88 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2018

    I am so excited that you signed up for acting classes, that is amazing!!!!!! Thanks for your post. I really appreciate it.

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  • CPN88
    CPN88 Member Posts: 6
    edited November 2018

    Wow! You are telling my story about how I feel. What's the next step? How do we move beyond this?

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  • CaliKelly
    CaliKelly Member Posts: 474
    edited November 2018

    Its so interesting to hear you ladies express some of the things i felt.Almost like a letdown when I was done with active treatments. Like now what do I do? Life for 2and a half years was Doctors, treatments, side effects, then months go by, no appointments, no tests! Couple of things helping me. I'm a former fitness trainer so challenging myself at the gym, I love seeing my body respond to my workouts. The after effects of chemo, surgeries, and AI meds cause more aches and pains, but working out actually helps that. Any kind of exercise is going to help you,mentally and physically. It's true about friends and loved ones assuming everything is all done now, and you're finished, 😂,if they only knew! My husband actually forgot that i had lost ALL my hair, he's already moved on!😄 My other thought is, do what makes you happy now, be more fearless, do things you've wanted to do, but were apprehensive! I don't even listen to the news anymore, it's just aggravating, I try to only worry about things I can do something about. I never posted here during all my treatments, just used bc.org for information and encouragement. Now I'm all over it, trying to help other ladies with things I've learned ,through my cancer"journey" or cancer project as I called it. A good verse from the Bible for all: "She is clothed in strength and dignity, and LAUGHS WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE "! It's from Proverbs, and is my new mantra!

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