Need help from sisters...how to say goodbyes...

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sandrabecker
sandrabecker Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
My best friend is loosing her fight...It has been a long road...and she is not at peace...she is imploding...she is afraid...and does not know how to say good bye to her 12 an 8 year old girls. The husband is a nice and quiet man but not too good with words. She is so lost...even her faith in God seems to be very shaken right now...I would like to ask the community for support, in how she can have these important conversations...What books would be important for the girls to read ...now and later...what books and special gifts she could leave behind for birthdays and holidays...Please help!!! All imputs will be welcome!
Thank You!!!!
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  • MargaretB
    MargaretB Member Posts: 1,305
    edited February 2007
    Sandra, did you post this in any of the other forums? I can't help you because I have not encountered this situation but did want to respond.

    Margaret
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2007
    Sandra,
    I also cant help with your question, but wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you and your friend...
    I cant even imagine what her thoughts must be.
    So very sorry
    Jule
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  • Hattie
    Hattie Member Posts: 414
    edited February 2007
    Another Morning: Voices of Truth and Hope of Mothers with Breast Cancer

    I just read this, it helped me figure out how to think about this, and talk with my kids when I'm ready (or not). Not every one is at peace at this time.

    The book is interviews done with women, some at the end of life. They wanted to record messages for their kids.

    In thinking about my death (which is no longer front and center) it helped me to review my kids' strengths and all the supports they have and the really fine things they know--such as how to look for the good and find it, to ride out tough times, that they are loved by many, that they love to read, they can do new things, they find beauty in their world.

    Your friend will find her way and what will help is a compassionate listener who she can let it all out to (or sit in silence with). Ask Hospice for help.

    I believe that what has already passed in her life is what is most important, not what she will not experience in the future (altho that is a huge loss and certainly something to rage against).

    I'm thinking of you and your friend and families.
    Take care,
    --Hattie
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  • sandrabecker
    sandrabecker Member Posts: 5
    edited February 2007
    Thank You!!!! I think I just should make my self available and present at all times...even that today I live in Pennsylvania and she lives in Florida... I should just be there and support all her decisions.......Maybe that is what she really needs from me!
    Thank You!
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  • sandrabecker
    sandrabecker Member Posts: 5
    edited February 2007
    Thank You!!! Your answer was beautiful...and I should not look for her answers...I should just support her answers...and be present!!! Quiet love and acceptance is what she really needs. I got it !!!!
    Thank You!!!
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  • sjoc
    sjoc Member Posts: 133
    edited February 2007

    Sandra - I am so sorry for you and your friend. I have kept a journal throughout my kids lives. Started one for each of them when they were born and then kind of lost track with everyday kind of business. When I was diagnosed I wished I had kept these journals up for them. When I finished tmt I went away by myself for a long week-end and brought these journals with me. I updated them - private thoughts and my wishes for them. Memories of things throughout the years, their accomplishments, lessons learned from difficult situations and just my overwhelming feelings for them. I plan on keeping up with these entries. When I am gone (hopefully not for many, many years) they will be able to remind themselves how much I loved them and how important they are. Maybe you could help your friend write her feelings and wishes for her children down so that they will have a permanent reminder of how much their mother loved them. Also, maybe a video of her reading their favorite stories or just talking to them. I saved an answering machine tape of my father's so I could hear his voice once in a while. Just being there for her and listening to her fears I'm sure will help you both through this very difficult time. - Sandy

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  • geeta75
    geeta75 Member Posts: 102
    edited February 2007
    Hi Sandra.

    I am terribly sorry your friend is going through this hell right now.

    I have a very dear friend who thought she may be dying of cancer as well (I choose to believe she will live on forever). She began to write--her exact feelings, thoughts, smells, sounds the day each of her children were born. Journal entries and letters of memories and happenings that happened in each of their lives, things that only someone who thought they were dying would take the time to record. And then she began the hard part--getting cards and writing letters for milestone events--birthdays, graduation, marriage, birth of children--things that she may not be able to attend in the flesh.

    I don't know your friend's situation--but if she does indeed go home to the Lord soon, then these gems are a wonderful way for her children to not only remember her, but know who she was. The funny thing is, someone who feels they may not be on this Earth much longer will actually share things, stories, feelings, with people that otherwise would not have been shared. So it could be a good thing.

    My hope is that your friend will do these things, but be able to hand deliver the cards and letters herself on special occasions, and tell her children "I wrote this for you years ago when I wasn't sure if I'd be here on this day." That is my hope, and what I am praying for your friend.

    Love,
    Geeta
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  • freethought
    freethought Member Posts: 17
    edited February 2007
    Sandra--

    I'm so sorry for you and your friend...good suggestions here, especially the journals and milestone letters and cards. Many communities have non-profit organizations (stand-alones or hospital-affiliated) that deal especially with bereavement issues and children...the best ones start before the actual death of a parent. Maybe you can do some research and find one near your friend (FL is a big state!) A hospice or any major cancer center should be able to direct you to one. If your friend and her family can avail themselves to a program before she starts the next leg of her journey, it will probably be more beneficial and give the kids and her husband a familiar place to turn when they are grieving. Peace to you and your friend...
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  • sandrabecker
    sandrabecker Member Posts: 5
    edited February 2007
    Great idea...I will try to do the research.
    Thank You!!
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  • 50Lynn05
    50Lynn05 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2007
    Dear Sandra,
    My mother died from breast cancer when I was fifteen. Things were different back then (1972). She was not forthright about what was happening. She was trying to protect me, but that actually made the impact much worse. I wish she had been able to tell me she was dying and given me a chance to say good-bye. Letters such as have been suggested would have been cherished by me, bringing her into the future with me. I recently read the book "Motherless Daughters." It has much valuable information and was helpful to me even 35 years later. It is important for the girls to have loving mother figures in their lives, and as young adults to be prepared for this loss to revisit them at important times in their lives.
    Your friend is lucky to have you supporting her now.
    Lynn
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