moms breastcancer back 3x- 2x one year, spouse passed suddenly

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ltabaka
ltabaka Member Posts: 2
edited September 2018 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

my parents had the most wonderful marriage for 51 years-- they were best friends. my father passed away very suddenly sept 15, 2017. (saturday will be 1 year)

he helped mom so much with her first go round of stage 1 lobular breast cancer-- she had chemo and radiation and took aromadex (? spelling) after a lumpectomy.

then 3 months (yes Christmas) after dads sudden passing she went for a follow up visit and her cancer was back stage 2 lobular this time. my brother, myself and mom

met with doctors and mom had a mastectomy and MORE radiation. she completed radiation the end of april (four months ago) and is taking Ibrance.

at the end of august, she had a slight pain in chest, we called oncologist, (she wasn't scheduled for follow up yet) they ordered a mammogram and ct scan and bone density test. 2 days later oncologist called to say cancer is back and NOW metastatic stage IV.

we are seeking other opinions currently. my mother has really fought hard -- to look at her she doesn't look sick at all, but I'm afraid she's getting to end of fight.

she's been kicked down so much with her cancer and with dad gone and anniversary of his passing , its a lot to handle.

also she refuses to talk to a professional --she says they didn't know daddy or our relationship, they won't help me!

any advice????

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  • skyfly
    skyfly Member Posts: 85
    edited September 2018

    hey Itabaka,

    I’m sure someone wiser than me will be by soon, but Ill kick things off. I’m new here representing my mother too. My dad passed last November too. Unlike your folks, they had been long divorced and had at best a talking relationship. In any case, his passing hurt us all a great deal. So I guess Im saying I know what it feels like to get hit with the one-two combo. My mom is kind of resisting treatment, or at least goes along begrudgingly. So while i wont pretend to know what’s best for your family, I’ll tell you what ive been doing for the last month.

    I'm trying to support my mother, keep her spirits up without misleading her. Ultimately, I suppose the most important thing is that she get treatment even if I have to gently prod her along. Originally, I was letting her handle the scheduling and stuff but I've slowly taken that over since I felt it was becoming kind of overwhelming. Also I’ve noticed things happen more quickly with me at the helm. I try to encourage her to get outside with me. Walks, trips to the park. She's never excited as we are leaving but always feels glad we went once we get there.

    If I were in your shoes with respect to the professional theraputic treatment, I might try to frame it as being for me and wanting her there to help out working throughthings. Maybe once you're there she will be more inclined to continue in the future. Idk if therapists are amenable to a few family sessions before individual ones but just a thought.

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  • ltabaka
    ltabaka Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2018

    thank you i wish you and your mother well through your journey.

    as of now i do try to tell mom that i could use her help with things and she's fine with coming along for the most part. she's retired and likes to stay with my husband and me.

    its mainly times when she's alone that are difficult for her and i worry about her frame of mind and depression. (she won't take anything -she says no more meds).

    she makes her own appointments for now and either my brother and i OR my husband and i accompany her to all of them.

    i pray the second opinion we are going to gives us some hope.


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  • obsolete
    obsolete Member Posts: 466
    edited September 2018

    Hello Itabaka,

    You have my sympathy on the loss of your Father. You have earned the right to feel the fluctuating mountain of emotions that you & your Mom are now facing. I'm sorry your mother's BC dx changes have presented at this time. Please remember that your Mother is very blessed to have you in her corner for guidance & support.

    A similar scenario with bad timing had also occurred in my family. The hospital's & rehab center's team of volunteers were good in giving a shoulder to lean on, a companion to chat with and offered ways to connect like souls. Local volunteers in the community delivered fresh baked goods & puzzles and offered their support with yoga, TaiChi, etc. Also every hospital also has a team of Social Workers who are willing to visit homes to explain local available community services. I hope you & your Mom will consider scheduling some of these informal services. Best wishes to you both!

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