Advice on telling family

Could you call in sick? That's what I did the day of my biopsy and the day after. I didn't want to tell anyone other than my husband until I had the full diagnosis. But Robin is right, it's really up to you and what makes you most comfortable. I did end up telling some people via text because it was just too hard to talk about it at first but it gets easier. Best of luck to you.

Agh this is the toughest part. I can't really tell you how to tell your friends and family but I can tell you how I told them. Maybe that will help?

I'm 32, single with stage 1 IDC. I was officially diagnosed a month ago but I had been waiting to get a biopsy for months. When my MRI showed the mass I only told a couple of my friends. I'm a nurse and so are most of my friends so it was easy talking to them and asking for advise before my diagnosis. I didn't want to tell my family until the results came back.

After I got my official diagnosis I told my mom and it was the hardest thing. My mom is in the medical field as well and her first reaction was to take me to all the oncologists she knows (she knew quiet a few of them). As annoying as that was I knew it was her way of coping and I wanted her to feel like she did everything in her power to help. She still will call me every day and tell of a new treatment she heard about or a new diet. I just listen since I know she's really scared.

I let my mom tell my dad and of course they were heartbroken. I've lost my aunt to breast cancer a few years back so this is terrifying for them.

I'm a very private person and only share my personal problems with very few people. After my diagnosis I would come home from work and just stay in. I stopped seeing my friends, going out and even texting anyone. After two weeks I realized that’s not healthy and I started telling one person at a time. It was the best decision I made. It feels so much better talking to people. I'm still breaking the news to some of my friends and still haven't gotten the heart to tell my sister (she's very fragile and lives far so I don't want to worry her yet).

Anyway, however you tell them it's going to be tough but after you're done with it, you can move past it and start caring for yourself.

I told my family & friends I was going for diagnostic mammogram and then later for biopsy. I was just matter of fact about it. I told some people over the phone, some people in person, some by text/email - just whatever way it came up. I found during the testing & biopsy stage, most people weren't that nosy or concerned. Lots of people get call backs and need further tests etc and I didn't say what they were looking at specifically - just that there was a mass and they're trying to diagnose it.

Once diagnosed, I told people quickly - again whichever way was more convenient, and i also told people they were free to tell other friends & more distant relatives. My only caveat was that I didn't want phone calls and I didn't want visitors. And I only answered texts and emails when I felt like it.

I didn't see the point of keeping it secret & even during the testing stage, I appreciated the friends who were supportive, encouraging and hopeful. No reason to stress alone about it if you have kind friends who can help with emotional support.

No matter the results, it will feel good to tell someone before. You’ll want to celebrate if its benign and not having anyone know how relieved you would be would be kind of a let down (same idea with a new job, if no one knows how bad you want it, they aren’t gonna pop confetti for you when you find out —- sorry if that’s random, it’s in a book I’m reading about vulnerability and authentic relationships). Same for not great results. You can at least call and just start crying if they know you’re waiting for possible bad news without needing explain much.

Having a point person was great. My mom handled all my family knowing, only a few knew right away that I was having lots of appts to figure out medical stuff but once I had a plans/surgery date she went ahead and sent an email with my address if anyone wanted to send a card but that I may not be up to visiting about it.

People I saw more often I told. I wasn’t broadcasting it but not keeping a secret either so they didn’t need to feel bad if anyone else brought it up. I did tell some friends via text or email starting with “this really sucks to tell you this way, saying this out loud is hard to do right now but wanted you to hear from me ....”

And for work/lifting restrictions, you can just leave it as a medical issue. I’d hope most people will understand you didn’t offer more info because that’s all you wanted to say. If they are concerned or dense enough to probe, you can judge if the moment is one to share or leave it as “I don’t have enough answer so for myself yet to share

The waiting part is rough. My biopsy was surgical and I had to wait 2.5 weeks for my results because they got another opinion on them. I’m not sure if a core biopsy is tested different, or may depend on your local facilities, but there’s probably a little more waiting ahead

At that point for me if it was bad news I just needed to know what the plans were to fix it (which I’ve since learned varies soooo much for everyone, so even that isn’t an immediate decision but you at least start in a direction other than unknown).

Your body and mind will figure out a way to armor yourself while you wait so don’t think too much. It’s also okay to check out a bit and Netflix a series with 76 episodes in 2 weeks

Hugs to you, keep us posted

Dani444 - so very sorry you got the news nobody wants. As moth said above, it gets easier when you know

what you are deaing with and when you have a plan in place.

I find there are two kinds of cancer patients - ones that tell everyone, and other ones that are really private and

don't want to tell anyone anything. It is totally up to you. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

I was single and got through it.

Some women start a private Facebook page only including friends or family that they want to give updates to...

that works for many as it gets too tiring to tell a broad range of people.

All my best wishes to you! You can and will get through this!

Sorry to hear the diagnosis. I hope the visit goes well and you're able to get the information you need to make the best decisions for yourself.

I found that getting second opinions for practically everything helped to answer my questions and make me feel more confident in my decisions.

I can't tell all family members they are neg and use this to try and control me and my life but there may be some I can tell and they support and help me go through the battle anyways I only seek God 1st and hopefully being connected to you all is my comfort

Johned9:

You might just have to tell your daughter to back off even though she is well intentioned. I had to tell my sisters that to some extent. They had decided where I was going to have my treatment before I had a chance to think about it and were pressing me for a confirmation. Meanwhile my father was insisting I not go to the place my sisters wanted me to go because the hospital associated with that facility made a mistake that resulted in the death of a family member.

The only people who could give me concrete compelling reasons as to where to go were the doctors.