This isn't going as well as I planned

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Jadedjo
Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
edited August 2018 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Remember a previous post where I mentioned I'm going through my stuff and getting rid of some of it.

Whelp that isn't turning out so well. I was supposed to make more room in the basement but when we had our little 4 day heat wave that had us over 40c I went through my apt stuff instead and ended up downgrading all I had here so not only do I have more room but I don't have to reach as high for items for awhile.instead of downsizing downstairs I actually added to it cause I moved three jumbo  containers worth of stuff to the basement. Thankfully my neighbor came home as I was taking one of the containers out in the hallway to drag down and he took it down for me. Nice guy. Told him what was going on and he said he's not home a lot but when he is and I'm in some sort of trouble just knock on his door or text him and he will help. 

(I had jumbo containers piled 3-4 high in most corners and the closet and use the tops for pots pans and in one corner my laundry soap/ bags thus why so much stuff )

Now I'm frustrated,anxious and upset.

I'm supposed to be getting rid of stuff and I have done a little but it's not all that much as it should be. Whenever I keep going through stuff I keep being reminded of the three times (moving home after dad died,packing and clearing out house after mom died,being forced to downsize because moving to a much smaller space)I was forced to give up so much of my stuff when I didn't want to those previous times.

 The only one forcing me this time is me but it sounds nuts but I feel traumatized from what happened before.its just stuff. I know it's just stuff.

it shouldn't be this hard to let it go and donate it.It's just stuff. Is it wrong that I'm reacting like this? I don't know how to get past it to finally achieve what I was planning to do.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should just finish what's in the basement and then go back in the spring after I have healed if I survived the surgery  and know where I stand health wise.

I'm kinda angry sad right now. I know it's just stuff and I should let it go but stuff is all I have left and I'm already losing so much because of this cancer.

I guess I just needed to vent.

Thank you.

Blessed be.


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  • Stawzie
    Stawzie Member Posts: 12
    edited August 2018

    Jo, I have read a lot of your posts and had you on my heart and in my thoughts but haven't connected with you yet. Everything gets tougher. I make decisions all day long - no problem. After my dx, I was standing in the grocery store in tears because I couldn't decide which bag of grapes to buy.

    Stuff is just stuff but it can trigger powerful memories.

    Keep venting here, Jo. Sending you lots of love and hugs across the miles.

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  • NancyHB
    NancyHB Member Posts: 1,512
    edited August 2018

    Jo, you sound so anxious. This is a traumatic and difficult time right now as you’re in flux between diagnosis and treatment and there’s so much up in the air and chaos all around and it feels so overwhelming and exhausting....... take a moment to breathe in...and out...and be kind to yourself in this moment.


    You feel you want to downsize and organize and get rid of things, but if the process is bringing up more anxiety than joy, I urge you to consider taking a step back and re-evaluating. If letting go of things - which are, as you say, only things - is hard right now, maybe it’s okay to wait another day. Or two. Or four. You’re already in a period of grief and mourning (so natural and expected with a diagnosis such as this), and forcing yourself to get rid of things you aren’t fully prepared to part with may create more grief and anguish and - in the end - you may find regret instead of peace.

    I also fully understand the sense of urgency to clean up and resolve things when you fear the end is near, too. Maybe today is just not the day for this? Maybe tomorrow, or the next day?

    I hope you rest, and find peace for a few moments in the midst of all the unknowns and uncertainties. Thinking of you.
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  • hapa
    hapa Member Posts: 920
    edited August 2018

    I'm sorry Jo. You've had such a hard, hard time and life has been dealing you shitty cards lately. Cancer is tough on anyone but when you're already emotionally frayed it's even harder. This is a great place to vent because people can understand what you're going through. I put on a brave face every day but sometimes I find myself crying in a stall in the bathroom at work because of all the crap I've had to deal with and all the unknowns ahead of me still. It's daunting. But I agree with Stawzie, keep venting here.

    My old boss had a sign on the wall of his office that read "if you're going through hell, keep going!". Good advice, though it's not like we really have a choice.

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  • MexicoHeather
    MexicoHeather Member Posts: 365
    edited August 2018

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/7/topics/...

    We're here for you.

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited August 2018

    jo- I can relate. I’ve got a basement that really needs clearing out. Normally, I’m great at getting rid of things. I don’t have a strong attachment to “stuff”. The thing is, it’s got a bunch of baby clothes and stuff. My little one is two and I was saving this stuff for the next one. But there’s not gonna be a next one...Not with cancer looming. I need to first accept that fact and that no one will let us adopt any time soon. Then I’ll be ready to let it go. But not yet.

    Take care.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    @stawzie

    Thank you.

    @nancyhb

    We are about to hit another smaller  heatwave in wensday so I may take a week and just veg after doing my daily workout(I have an AC and 2 fans going when I work out so I don't pass out from heat exhaustion the basement has nothing).thank you.

    @hapa

    I been trying to explain this to the doctors and nurses. If you have something worth fighting for you will go all the way in treatment. I have nothing but belongings I will fight but I won't fight to the point I'm suffering way more then I am already and the threat it can be permanent.. I was coasting suicidal already before diagnosis. I don't even bother crying anymore I've wasted too many years on this body and this life and both keep betraying me.

    But man am I angry. Like rage angry.I think that's why I workout so much lately (I been slowly upping to two barefoot cardio a day roughly 95 min and yoga at night unless I have an active day like today when I went up and down the back stairs to the basement about 7 times then I just do one.my legs hate me so much right now :/  )I don't have anything or anybody to punch so I'm putting it into the movements of the exercise. I suspect I would be in worse mental shape if I wasn't doing that.

    I just don't understand how so many people on here have to endure so much hell and then they get diagnosed and have to start walking an even worse kind of hell. When is it enough?

    @mexicoheather

    Thank you. Will read through more when I got time.

    @cpeachymom

    I think that's the issue with my childhood stuff.i was going to hand it down to my kids. Now there is definetly not going to be any. And it is hurting too much as I've already lost that dream and now I have to give up the tangible symbols for it...eventually..I'm not there yet either.

     I think the grief from the murder of that hope and dream because of this disease is doing more damage to me then the cancer diagnosis itself.theres no adoption for me either once I hit the acceptable time wait, I will be almost 50.

    I was supposed to have 5 kids by now according to the plans I made when I was six and held onto my entire life hoping that I would at some point get one out of the five  and I never got one.

     July was supposed to be the month I looked for a decent job, stayed where I was living and lived sparingly to save enough money to get a decent 2 bedroom place then I was going to look into adoption. Now that dream is dead too. I might be able to look for a good job eventually after this is over (but is it ever really over?)but there isn't going to be any adoption.no kids.so i guess we are both grieving for the loss of the children we are never going to have here.

    Ive always had a hard time letting go. Probably has to do with things and people being taken away from me with no explanation since I was a wee small child.i couldn't do anything about the people but I held on tight to my things.i got over attached and now I'm paying the price for it by not letting go of it even though I should.

    Thank you. And I'm sorry your hope for the future has been ripped away from you too.

    Blessed be to all. (Which is my way of sorta borrowing from the wiccans by saying positive thoughts,hopes and wishes into you and yours)


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  • ksusan
    ksusan Member Posts: 4,505
    edited August 2018

    It's normal to feel vulnerable in surprising ways during all of this. Keep breathing.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited August 2018

    @ksusan

    Thank you I will do my best.

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