Stress is going to kill me before the cancer does

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Jadedjo
Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
edited July 2018 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

So it's going to be weeks before I see the BS and 4 days before I see the GP. I am in diagnosis purgatory waiting .

So far  since Friday (or built up to Friday in some cases)

Shakiness (thankfully less then I last posted but there)

Body aches all over which before didn't used to bother me as I wrote it off to aging but now have me going aw crap mets which logically know is unlikely if it's as early as they say ..one hopes...but still pops up in my head. All those little brown spots that popped up the past couple of years are they a sign of something.? If I wasn't a hypochondriac before I am now. And I wasn't. I went to the doctor reluctantly.

Both my breasts hurt. Shark week is almost over and Breast  pain usually ends before then.Could be cysts.could be tumor in the cancer boob. Who knows. That area is still acting up and I don't know if it's the healing from the biopsy or what. But any kind of pain right now has me going aw crap.

Here's the doozy HAIR LOSS. Both natural and me-made as I had forgotten during high stress (like when my mom died) I tend to unknowingly yank my hair.and of course it comes out if I do it enough. Naturally it's coming out ingroups of 4-5 strands It's somewhat long down to my back bra strap. That's a lot of hair floating around. I could probably build up a couple of slim friendship bracelets with what I lost so far since ties. It just cemented my plan to get it cut super super short for what is going to happen in the coming months. Not buzz cut (more super short with less then inch length on top to play with styling  but not enough to easy yank on)but pretty close so ok once I got money that's dealt with.. not helping me right now though cause I still got a week to go.brought up bad memories of that time too.

Here's another doozy and I don't know how to feel about it. Weight loss due to lack of appetite. I have to force food down.i have lost 10 pounds in under 2 weeks most in the last week alone. Ordinarily I would be throwing a parade I'm morbidly obese weight loss is a good thing  but with the sword of cancer hanging over my head?  ...Well ...actually I'm still kinda ok with it but it doesn't thrill me like I used to. Bright side: if it keeps up and I actually start my muscle building workout regime on Tuesday I may be in decent (health wise) shape by the time the surgery happens. Better a1c and blood pressure numbers and stronger muscles means less chances of complications right ?or at least reduced.

Here's the one that bit me in the arse and actually had me crying so hard that my nose plugged and my ears popped..4 times... 

The health condition that ruined my life 15 years ago that I finally got control of after 11 years only to develop a new one. Appears to have returned.don't know if it's short term or long term.  It can be aggravated by stress so I should have expected it but  it took away my life for over a decade and it hit me like a semi when I realized what was happening.

Some of these I can deal with or find ways around them like the hair and the food even though I don't want to eat i Make myself do it anyway. Meditation  didn't work, can't concentrate on anything not even my usual escapes from life. I would give anything to be able to ogle arrows Stephen amell's shirtless chest from the shower scene of season 7 trailer ...actually i still do it....just not as dedicated if I didn't have at the back of my mind I have cancer and no matter what stage it is bad things are coming that I'm not sure I can mentally survive.

I just want my pathetic awful life back instead of this pathetic awful life that's gonna get much worse cause you got cancer and your going to  have to do painful things if you want to make it go away . Things that are going to scar you forever mentally and physically more then you already are and it's probably going to come back because your body is a jerk and has been trying to kill you since puberty.

And I'm thinking if it's like this now imagine what it's going to be like when medical things finally start moving?

I know there are people way worse off then me. I think it everytime these thoughts pop in my head.who would give everything to have years I'm almost ready to give up. They have something they feel the need to fight for. I can't find anything for myself I been trying since I got the call.

I really am sorry I seem to be on this forum so bloody often. I have had to call the local crisis line everyday just to talk me through some dark places. Nothing accentuates how alone you are when you need someone and all you got is a crappy empty apt.

I can only imagine what's going on with my heart and blood pressure right now.im not even asking what's next anymore I'm too terrified of the answer.

Blessed be.

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Comments

  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Yes I will totally be asking my gp for some kind of light short term  anti anxiety med.

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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2018

    Hugs to you. Having a cancer dx is devastating and scary. And having to wait for appointments, treatment, info from doctors does not help with anxiety.

    If you can get some anti anxiety and/or antidepressant meds that would be helpful. Many on here, including me, take them. Never be ashamed of your feelings. Its your health, and life affected.

    I have poured out my heart on these pages alot over the years. Women on here are wonderful.

    Hugs again

    wallan


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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    @wallan

    Thanks.i appreciate it.

    I haven't had the best of luck with anti depressants but will defientely be looking into something that I can take as needed.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited July 2018

    Jadedjo, we're all here for you. Waiting for results is very, very difficult. We all understand this too well. It sounds like you have alot on your plate, so one step at a time. It's great to hear that you are on the path to managing some things that are an issue for you (e.g. starting to exercise is great, trying out things like meditation, getting your hair cut). All these things will help you feel stronger, and better.

    And great advice from wallan. If one med has not helped in the past, perhaps ask for a different kind.

    We're thinking of you!

    The Mods


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  • NineTwelve
    NineTwelve Member Posts: 569
    edited July 2018

    Jadedjo, so sorry you are going through this. And yes, sometimes the hell in your own head is much worse than anything your body or your world can dish out. I think I avoided the anxiety phase of diagnosis by assuming the worst. I was diagnosed after a few weeks with a Stage IV cancer, so my expectations turned out to be realistic.

    Instead of grieving about what I'm not going to have, I decided to focus on why I still wanted to live (because I did, you know? It surprised me, but life became precious when it was threatened.) I turned my OCD qualities to my advantage and read up everything I could find on breast cancer, diets, exercises, traditional treatments, alternative treatments. I started reaching out more to friends and family. I let myself be imperfect and broken. I worked on letting go of shame and anger. It took a lot of effort to accept myself as a flawed but decent person with a reason to be here. I think if I can do it, then others can, too.

    You are a witty and observant writer, and you have more resources and more strength than you know. You got this. Ask for what you need. Let people help. Let yourself breathe and enjoy simple things. Don't worry about losing weight, at least in the early days. You won't waste away to nothing. Don't worry about pains, don't worry about what you can't fix or change in this moment. Accept that what you need to know will be revealed, and that you are okay right now. Keep posting. You will find your way through this. You can do this.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    @mods

    Thanks

    @ninetwelve

    Thank you. I'm so sorry you have gotten the stage iv diagnosis. Nobody should have to hear those words.ever.

    The irony in this and there are plenty about my whole situation  is I'm usually the one to assume the worst. And I remember clearly saying to the doctor "I'm more concerned about the reflux issues I'm not worried about the thing in my breast" as I said at  my appt while he was making the req' for the mammogram.he wasn't able to find anything examining and neither had i so I figured cyst that had disappeared I held that thought until the tech came in and said we need you to stay for an ultrasound. The first time in years I was thinking positive and I was betrayed.

    I'm trying to do what I can. It's the nighttime it hits the most and when I am having the most difficulty. 

    Considering how betrayed I was by "positive thinking" I'm having a hard time believing when they say it's very early and in all honesty can one really know until it's removed which is why I tend to have a mini aw crap moment at every pain or symptom that seems new. I try not to.but it happens anyway.

    Blessed be to all. May your years be plenty no matter where your at.


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  • vlnrph
    vlnrph Member Posts: 1,632
    edited July 2018

    You call yourself Jaded but I’ll just use ‘Jo’! Being able to articulate fears, recognize nervous habits and remember that you got a health condition under control in the past are all good things.

    Be sure and start your muscle building workout tomorrow no matter how crappy you feel. Don’t compare yourself to others. Deep breathing does a wonderful job of bringing down blood pressure (and stress)

    Go ahead and make a few of those hair bracelets - in centuries past people did things like that and now their handiwork is in museums...

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    vinrph, that's beautiful, all you said, esp. that first line! me too, Jo it is for me.


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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    Actually jo is the first two letters of my name and people I know shorten it to that so technically you are  calling me by my name :)

    I will be starting and I'm pretty sure I have a pink Pilates DVD that focuses on strengthening the chest and arms.no matter what my decision for treatment those need to be a strong as I can make them for any surgery.

    Thanks.

    Blessed be

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    Pilates is fantastic, Jo, and being proactive that way, getting your chest muscles in shape beforehand, makes so much sense. And it gets those muscles to burn more calories, even at rest :)

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    Tonight I went out for a second walk, Jo. Snowball effect. See what you made me do ;)

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  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited July 2018


    image

    Hi Jo....Sending you a hug from NY....I hope everything works out for you.

    I also suffered from depression and anxiety still on medication.

    This is the most difficult part of the journey but once treatments start you start feeling releived.

    Wishing you good luck from one sister to another.

    Sheila

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Thank you @sheila @oxygen18

    And all who responded. 

    I am grateful for hugs and support.

    I am also grateful to all those who share their stories. It's helped me get through this past week easier. I probably would have been in the mental crisis care unit  by now otherwise. I may still end up there but for now I'm holding it together and making decisions.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    @oxygen18

    Snowball effect indeed.

    It took everything I had to get through it but I did  the 59 min postnatal tae bo workout today. (Low impact enough for big girls like me but still enough to make me sweat)

    I kept thinking I don't want to do this,then I remembered your post and thought "I don't want to disappoint oxygen18 by not following through" took everything I had to get through the 59 minutes and I learned I better have a juice before I start because I exercise fasting and I was pretty much wore out by the cool down. It's not one I could do everyday but it's one I can do a few times a week. I got a light half hour Pilates for tommorow because of an appt. I'm not going to succeed to much at first due to everything going on but I'm hoping to at least be doing something daily even if it's just a light Pilates or yoga. 

    So you inspired me too

    Blessed be

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    Tae Bo, that sounds fantastic. Glad to help the inspiration cycle going. Of couse, I hope you keep at this because YOU are worth it.

    Meanwhile, I 'll have you know that today too, I went on a second walk.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    :)

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